“You are a pastor’s wife. How do you reconcile that with the sort of material you blog about?”
It might amaze you frequently I am asked this question; or then again, it probably does not. The idea of the model Christian woman – a woman who is betrothed to the frock, particularly – is that she be frigid, dutiful and demure both in bed and in public.
I am none of those things.
I never was when my husband met me 21 years ago, and I certainly am not now.
I think it’s wholly unfair to expect your significant other to change who they are on a fundamental level in order to further your personal/political/professional aspirations. Barack never asked that of Michelle (instead, he lovingly thanked her for taking a job she never wanted and ultimately making the endeavor her own), so I don’t see why it should be asked of me or any other woman who runs with the wolves! A Christian woman can (and should be, in my opinion) wild, exciting and unpredictable. There’s space for that in the bible.
I understand how difficult it is for people to reconcile the idea that a church-going woman should write so openly (and with such rawness) about sex. It flies in the face of everything we are taught about holiness and femininity. However, I believe that cognitive dissonance is as a result of a certain willful forgetting: Yes, Christians (and all followers of Abrahamic religions) ought to be holy, but we are human first and foremost. There’s that, and most people have never read their bible cover to cover. The contents might shock you.
There’s more to God’s word than harbingers of doom for the disobedient or the promise of prosperity if you would “just sow a seed” in faith. The bible covers a range of topics. For the lover of science fiction, there is a fire-breathing dragon in the book of Job. For the adrenaline junkie there is drag racing in the book of Nahum. And if you ever find yourself in need of something steamy to titillate your more primal senses, there is Song of Songs (Solomon), which is poetic in its delivery, but downright nasty when you read between the lines. I, personally, am a fan of nasteee.
The Church as an organization has made a big deal of premarital sex and promiscuity, and for good reason. Before the advent of penicillin, one (assumed) way of limiting the spread of STDs was to limit one’s body count. As the details of Usher’s recent lawsuit reveal, there are few things more horrific and life impacting than encountering a diseased dick. Nevertheless, promiscuity falls in the spectrum of human behavior, and Solomon loved the Shulamite girl for her less-than-chaste tendencies. In coded language, he describes how he craves her kisses, how he longed to fondle her breasts, and – I’m fairly certain – expressed an explicit desire to perform cunnilingus. Likewise, the Shulamite girl confesses her excitement about his inclination for voyeurism (he watches her through her bedroom window), how his cologne intoxicates her, and several mentions about consuming his ‘raisins’ and ‘apples’.
Let’s not forget how she opens the door in a state of undress when she heard her beloved calling her name on the other side (Unfortunately for our heroine, she failed to clothe herself properly before chasing after him and caught an L from the watchmen who were busy policing her body).
I slept, but my heart was awake,
when I heard my lover knocking and calling:
“Open to me, my treasure, my darling,
my dove, my perfect one.
My head is drenched with dew,
my hair with the dampness of the night.”3 But I responded,
“I have taken off my robe.
Should I get dressed again?
I have washed my feet.
Should I get them soiled?”4 My lover tried to unlatch the door,
and my heart thrilled within me.
5 I jumped up to open the door for my love,
and my hands dripped with perfume.
My fingers dripped with lovely myrrh
as I pulled back the bolt.
6 I opened to my lover,
but he was gone!
My heart sank.
I searched for him
but could not find him anywhere.
I called to him,
but there was no reply.
7 The night watchmen found me
as they made their rounds.
They beat and bruised me
and stripped off my veil,
those watchmen on the walls.
Can you see this scene in your mind? I do believe my panties got a little wet!
As the bible says, there is nothing new under the sun. Where the topic of sex and sexuality is concerned, there is little that I as a married Christian woman have written that has not been written before. Have there been other women married to the frock who have written risqué tomes? I have no doubt. The tragedy is that we do not know their names and faces because religion has inextricably glued shame to sex, romance and seduction and these women have been forced into hiding, either concealing their faith and/or their identities. Hell, I felt compelled to do the same when Nana and I first launched Adventures.
How can I be a pastor’s wife and still write erotica? Because God approved it first in the heavenlies and added hot sex into His/her holy word. 🙂
Selah.
8 comments On How Can You Be A Pastor’s Wife and Still Write Erotica?
Malaka, you must be a very brave woman for not blogging anonymously as a pastor’s wife especially coming from a very judgemental society like Ghana. And more surprising is the fact that your husband allows you to blog on such topics. That would have been enough to end many marriages. Your husband would have said that you are bringing his career into disrepute and that will genarate massive conflict. Thankfully you appear not to have such conflicts. You mentioned Barack Obama of not coercing Michelle to change when he started his political career but it appears that despite the resentment Michelle felt in the beginning, it looks like she changed and fully embraced it when she realised that Barack’s ambitions were not just a pipe dream. It appears she changed and fully embraced the package of being a politician’s wife.
I dispute your notion that a christian woman can be wild, exciting and unpredictable especially when you are expected to be a role model as the pastors wife. A pastor’s wife cannot promote promiscuity because fornication is sin in the bible. But I agree that sex shouldn’t be a taboo either especially for adults who are married or looking forward to getting married. I suppose the correct balance is key and sometimes it is debatable what is the correct balance. But all the same I admire your tenacity and open mindedness especially from your background growing up as a christian in Ghana with all the judgemental attitudes.
As you pointed out Songs of Solomon can be described as erotica but it still exists in the bible. I am even surprised they did not remove it from the bible like other chapters.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment, Kweku!
Full disclosure: my husband DID initially request that I not blog for Adventures or write any romance because of the reasons you stated. It might reflect badly on him, what if our children wanted to go into ministry in the future and had to answer questions about my writings, etc. We worked that out between us and the result is what you see today.
But I have to disagree with your point of contention. Being wild, exciting and unpredictable is not the same as being “promiscuous”, in my humble opinion. When we call women “wild” – as though it were a negative thing – we seek to put them in a box that says that they have no self-control and cannot be trusted to make healthy sexual and/or personal decisions. Wildness to me is to be carefree, and I think every woman – Christian or not – owes it to herself to have aspects of her life that are guided by carefreeness. Take risks, calculated or not. Whether we women adhere to Ghana’s rules or not, we are all going to be judged for not living up to or falling short of some arbitrary standard in the name of tradition. What has it netted us?
Love this post MASI, and I really appreciate how you have stood up for yourself, and been able to negotiate with hubby such that you can be your own version of a wild woman. Love ya
Love ya more!!!!
I applaud your writings especially this one. My two bits are these: At what point does the pastor shift from being a husband/wife to the spiritual/pious place? Does he/she lose his spiritual/pious place when he/she notices the beautiful ladies/handsome virile men in the congregation? How is he/she supposed to handle such moments, as human as we all are?
From the position of a pastor’s husband, does he curb his desires for his wife because people might talk or he works at providing the emotional and sexual balance to ensure that these “temptations” are adequately quenched? Especially, where he (husband) is concerned. Remember, the “tempter” is on the loose out there, sometimes within the congregation.
My take: Having a partner with the necessary “wild” tendencies, well-heeled and balanced with Christian values, can NOT be underestimated. My last question is: Should a pastor’s spouse lose their imaginative capacity because of the role they play?
I’d rather have a partner who is not wearing a straight jacket both in church and at home. Spicing up the marital relationship in a Christian home also works wonders.
I give you a thumbs up and say GO Girl!
Love this post and the response given to @Kweku. Sexuality should go beyond morals, but for a people so pressed to suppress any ideas of sexual freedom… You’re amazing, and I for one am glad to have you and your stories. Maybe one day tell us how you reconcile Christian views on sex and yours?trying here!!
I love everything about this. Your freedom in faith and your relationship gives me hope.
I agree with many of your idealogies, including the fact that God is the author of sex. However, I also believe that one don’t have to be so “raw” in the liberal thinking of sex. Even a pastors wife has a role in the lives of others. You can always worship the living God and still be human in a Godly way. We can go back and forth about what the word of God says, but for every verse you quote there are others that will rebuttle it. Just playing The Devil’s Advocate. Live, love and have lots of sex!