Fuck You Dyspareunia! (1)

Here I am once again, crying about my pussy. This has been happening a lot lately. Since things ended with that man. Although I can’t be sure things ended because of my dysfunctional vagina, I can’t help thinking it might be part of the reason. See, if my sex life was a chapter in the book of my life, it’s title would probably be “Well, Used to be Fun. What Now?”.  Last night I dreamt I was having sex, intercourse, of the rough kind.  I remember I was on top and it felt a-ma-zing! It’s curious that my subconscious chose this position because in real life, the cowgirl position hardly made me feel anything. You might have noticed that I am speaking in the past tense. Indeed, I barely have sex these days because my dyspareunia won’t let me. 

Dyspareunia describes recurring painful intercourse for people with vaginas. The pain can occur just before, during or after intercourse and it can have diverse causes. In my case, my dyspareunia is the result of my endometriosis and adenomyosis. Looks like the person in charge of distributing incurable pussy illnesses was generous towards me. You probably have heard of “endometriosis” at this point but the term “adenomyosis” might be new to you. So, allow me to go Wikipedia on you.  Endometriosis is related to the presence of tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (the endometrial mucosa) outside the uterus. This disease can cause pain, sometimes disabling, and infertility problems. Uterine adenomyosis, on the other hand, is often defined as “endometriosis inside the uterus”. It corresponds to an infiltration of the endometrial mucosa into the uterine wall muscle.

Endometriosis has been known in Western medicine for centuries but there is still no cure. Women’s suffering has been so normalized that doctors haven’t found it interesting enough to research a cure for this disease that affects 1 in 10 women. Yet,what does Viagra cure?  I could write a whole article about medical sexism but let’s come back to my pussy issues, shall we? I was lucky enough to be diagnosed early 5 years ago, and since then, my sex life has gone downhill. Because I started having sex rather late,  compared to people of my generation, I feel quite cheated. I often think about the fact that I wasted my best pussy years on white men who fetishized my black womanhood and then I become sad because what a miserable way to waste one’s best pussy years. 

I know, I know, sex doesn’t necessarily mean penetration.  I know we all ought to decenter the “D”. I’ve read that on every endometriosis website. Yes, I should develop sexual practices that don’t involve penetration. Yes, I should practice slow sex or even tantric sex. Yes, I should choose positions that create shallow penetration (bye bye doggy style, one of my faves). Yes, I should always keep communication open with my partner etc. The gag is … I don’t have a partner. I’ve never had one and I’m never getting one, at least not anytime soon according to current evidence. The problem is that every advice I find is directed towards women who have steady male partners. Yet, nothing about queer women or single women. How can one live the hoe life with endometriosis and dyspareunia? Can somebody write a book about that?  I’d buy ten copies. Besides, although I agree with all this advice, what if I wanted intercourse because sometimes I’d like to be pounded like fufu?  

(to be continued)

*** this is a two-part story and the second part is coming soon

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