Celebrating women’s sexuality is one of the more prominent improvements feminism has yielded. However, it seems that this sex positivity is being confused with promiscuity. And it’s not judgy African aunties making the conflation – it appears within contemporary feminine culture itself. When did high body count become something women are patronizingly loud-and-proud about? Equality with men doesn’t mean following their questionable examples just because we can. If that’s the feminism we’re cultivating, then we’re wrong.
Let me give a bit of background on my viewpoint. I was raised in a fervently religious home. Because of that religious setting, my mother reared us to be very sex positive. She tastefully explained how sex was a gift from God, and therefore was something to be thoroughly enjoyed. She’s the one who taught teenage-me about cunnilingus. She had books on sex positions in her private library. Mama even shared mood-setting tips in church, in front of the en-taya congregation. Amen! I was thus imparted with the mindset that you should sex the shit out of your partner – as long as it was within the boundaries of marriage. The distinction between promiscuity and sex positivity was thereby established.
I’m agnostic now, so I no longer focus on the marriage requirement. But my emphasis on boundaries remains: have lots of juicy sex, but with not just anyone. This choosy approach has yet to place me at a disadvantage in terms of sexual satisfaction. Rather, I’ve observed the opposite to be true – my sexual sybarite companions were more likely to be sexual empty barrels. They would chase the dragon but never quite catch it, then compensate by loudly proclaiming how sexually liberated they were. Meanwhile, “prudish” little me was (still is) a renowned dragon slayer, on the downlow.
In Africa, spotlighting women’s pleasure is a relatively novel concept. I, therefore, believe there are not yet enough masterful sex partners to justify allowing randoms to hit that thang. And even when the focus on pleasing women becomes more mainstream, we should still be selective. Women have the only human organ whose sole function is providing pleasure, the Lamborghini of erogenous zones. Isn’t it better, then, to invest our limited lifetimes in developing a solid and dedicated roster of skilled clit technicians, than to zoom from workshop to workshop for subpar servicing?
Scientific research concurs. In a 2019 study, women reported “higher orgasmic function and sexual satisfaction in committed relationships compared to casual ones.” Another study noted that women in the top percentile for female promiscuity were generally less happy than their more discriminating peers. Promiscuity may not have caused their unhappiness, but it clearly gave them no pleasure advantage.
All this being said, there are those who get off on anonymity and multiplicity. If that does it for you, great! But women should not feel pressured into thinking they’re less liberated if they’re not whipping out their cats willy-nilly.
Sexual liberty is determining what works best for you and building on that.