I have this wild idea, inspired by a picture I saw on Instagram.
Scene: I’d just woken up from a Tangawizi sex dream, so naturally, I went on his Instagram page to tend to my early morning thirst. In the process of doing that, I saw this:
It got me thinking about hosting a dinner in that exact setting, and who I’d invite.
At first, the list was made up of the typical loved ones (bestie, sisters, other close friends)… and then my vagina took over and the guest list went down a more risqué path.
What if instead of typical loved ones, I invited my lover-friends?
Let me deviate for a second:
I define myself as polyamorous, but more and more I’m finding that maybe I’m not. Because polyamory is about being in multiple relationships with varying levels of commitment. I am in no romantic relationship and I have no desire to make any type of romantic commitment.
I can hardly commit to consistent texting or daily phone calls. Oh man, those daily phone calls.
The last time I was in a monogamous relationship, we did daily phone calls. (I call this period of my life Dope, But Predictable). It was dope, our conversations were fun and they went everywhere. We could always talk for hours.
But then, I got depressed (living with Bipolar 2 disorder is motherfucking hard). During these depressive episodes, just seeing my phone light up is jarring. Having to pick up a call and have a normal conversation? Takes all day to muster the energy.
I felt obligated to pick up those calls. Like, by being monogamous, we had agreed to a silent pact that we had to be emotionally available to each other. I’d invent stories about my day and hear about theirs, and laugh about this and plan for that… Then we’d hang up and I’d go back to my endless darkness.
I remember feeling trapped. I didn’t want them to know how bad the darkness was. At the same time, it was getting harder and harder every day to put up a front. Of course, this reality prompted me to think hard about this Dope, But Predictable relationship and whether it was serving me… I’ll tell you more in a separate story.
Fast forward to today, being romantically unattached, I feel free. Free to not have to talk to anyone every day. Free to show up as I am right now, not as who I was when we started x years ago. Free to step up and take care of myself. Fuck co-dependencies.
I love it here. Free is where it’s at.
So, I don’t think polyamory is the right label for me anymore. The better term is self-partnered. My calling is to first and foremost love on myself. Everyone else I get to love and be loved by is a bonus. I call them lovers who can be friends.
a January lover;
a lover I can go dancing with;
a lover to fuck and make art with;
a Monday afternoon lover;
a lover who lives someplace I love to travel to;
lovers who will write me songs like Despacito…”
Let’s call it a social experiment. Kinda like what Nola Darling did in the TV series She’s Gotta Have It (a Spike Lee joint) but the Naba version.
I mean, it sounds narcissistic as hell just thinking about it. I already expect that everyone will be fawning over me.
No, this is not a power game. I don’t need power games. I have always been able to get my way through charm and authenticity (thanks to my strong Pisces and Aquarius placements), and I know how to take no for an answer.
This is what I would watch for in my little experiment:
(i) First & foremost, did I tell everyone upfront that all of the guests are my lover-friends? Did I tell some and not others? Why? What was each person’s response when they found out?
(ii) How each person wants me and how I respond to them. We are already sexually/ romantically attracted to each other. How does that express itself in public?
(iii) Are there any feelings of possessiveness? Who am I possessive with and why? Who is possessive with me and how do I feel about that?
(iv) That lingering expectation that everyone will be fawning over me. How do I react when that is not the case? How do I react when that is the case?
(v) Do I get self-conscious if let’s say someone wants to kiss me right there? Or am I self-assured and completely at ease? Do I feel like I have to mind anyone’s feelings? Who? Why?
(vi) Hmm… What else?
I like this game.
Assuming the table in the picture sits twelve, I need eleven guests to hypothetically invite. I’ll call it “a gathering of lovers & friends.”
(Can you imagine how dope it would be if this or something better actually came to be?!)
In Part Two, I will lay out the guestlist for you. Introduce you to more of my lover-friends and tell you why they get invited. You have already met some of my faves like Babe & Tangawizi. I’m excited for you to meet even more faves.
Are you ready?