In my Google notes, there is a list of things I plan to do with my partner, as this is the first beyond-one-year relationship I have had. I have a folder of our memories; screenshots from video calls and pictures of wrist tags from shows we attended together, holding hands, all that. When we spoke on New Year’s Eve in 2020 from different cities, muttering “I miss you” and “I wish you were here,” I pictured the next New Year’s Eve and made mental notes of boxes to tick off.
Fast forward to New Year’s Eve 2021. We checked into a hotel. Catching up? Check! Ordering food? Check! While waiting for the food to be delivered, in between giggles and random talk, my babe flips me to the side and tickles me over something I said. Tickles lead to kisses and quickly turn into thrusts in the midst of laughter and silly jokes. At this moment, I’m happy. I am happy that we are counting years, that intimacy with him is great, that this is peaceful and a happy place.
The food delivery guy calls, and my man goes to pick up the food downstairs. As he leaves the room, he hands me my vibrator and instructs me to get busy. I obey! Flashbacks from a few moments ago drive me insane. I’m not seeing very clearly by the time he comes back with the food. We pick up right where we left off, with me screaming his name and singing “touch me, fuck me” as orgasm sets in.
Food? Check. I ate with a huge grin on my face that just won’t go away. If you could watch it in a video, you’d probably think I was high. It was on this night that I realized how much I enjoyed being spanked and where I preferred to be spanked; hearing and feeling it are both extremely appealing, as is watching him enter and exit the kitty cat. I could have kissed the sexiness out of him, but I’d like it to stay there. We showered together and slept wrapped up in each other’s arms. I woke up 13 minutes past 12. He woke up shortly after, and we shared a kiss. The joy in my heart and the fireworks that kept going off non-stop made me feel like a kid all over again. A New Year kiss? Check!
. . . .
It’s a new year, with new tasks and a whole new lifestyle. Our schedules kept us busy with long hours all week and busy nights. Three weeks into the new year, on a Friday evening, I texted him to ask about the possibility of sitting on his face that night. We made plans. I shaved, showered, and showed up super horny.
As soon as he closed the door, our clothes took their places on the floor. Our bare chests met and created warmth in a way only bare bodies can. Within seconds, moans of “I miss you” accompany every passionate thrust. I had missed him awfully. He planted kisses all over my face, and we just stared at each other. No words, just bodies doing their own expressions. It was refreshing. At that very moment, I started to think about sex and how magical and powerful it could be.
As my mind wanders, I think about societal perceptions of sex and the people who engage in sexual activities. If sex is an activity between two consenting adults who choose to explore each other’s bodies on their own terms, then why does society view both participants in the activity differently?
As much as there are freer conversations about sex on social media platforms today, women are still judged differently for being sexually active. You have to wonder if sexual urges for women are only activated upon marriage. I mean, as human beings, men and women are generally designed to have these urges; they are only taught differently about what to do with them. One gender is applauded for sexual activity while the other is shamed and taught to suppress these urges. If society can hand out approval cards to women who abstain from sexual activities based on personal or religious choices, it does not make sense that women who choose to be sexually active are judged differently.
Besides ripping agency away from women, the danger with this narrative is that it promotes the idea that sex is something taken away from women. And somehow, that makes a woman who is sexually active outside the institution of marriage a person whose value is declining. It also promotes other problematic issues like body shaming; ideas that a woman who has sagging boobs has them because they have been caressed one too many times, or that a woman who is sexually active definitely has a wide vagina or that body count is something shameful. Oh well. Boobs come in different shapes and sizes, the vagina is elastic and body count? Well, it shouldn’t count.
The problems with this narrative extend to other issues as well. For example, it means that sexually active women are unable to fully or properly deal with or seek help for the possibilities or consequences of being sexually active. It could be addiction to sex, or pornography, or masturbation, or as simple as buying pills because it is supposed to be shameful to be a sexual being in the first place. I made the mistake of buying pills near where I live, and for months, I was the most interesting thing the pharmacist had ever seen. He just kept on staring.
This whole narrative takes too much away from women. It influences too many things. It disregards the whole biology of it. I’ll explain. There is a plethora of biological excuses given to men as reasons why it is normal to be sexually active and have a high sex drive. These same biological excuses are not extended to women, despite our biological realities.
It is easy to say testosterone is a valid reason for a high sex drive. It’s also easy to ignore the effect of the rise and fall of hormones in the female body. My period app warns me about the rise and fall of estrogen and progesterone at certain times of the month and the nightmare of horniness that ovulation can bring. Why do high levels of testosterone give men a pass yet the one million and one things that occur in a woman’s body don’t?
The entire existence of the organs and the process of reproduction is evidence that women are created to feel these things. A sex drive is biological, normal, and not something that is suddenly activated because of the existence of a marriage certificate or yams. More than that, it shows that having a libido is human and not a gender thing. That means choosing to be sexually active and enjoying sex should be on an individual’s terms and not a gender-specific privilege.
It also means that individuals are responsible for their sexual activities. The existence of a high sex drive is not a ticket for reckless sexual activity. When society deeply acknowledges that sex drive is individual and not gender-specific, this will translate to actual change in bigger issues like consent, pleasure, and overall better sex education.
Speaking of which, the conversation about abortion rights is not too disconnected from this. It is the same idea of controlling women and their bodies. In a world replete with single moms, runaway dads, and a dysfunctional foster system, banning abortion rights ignores too many realities. Yet again, women are the vectors onto which culture must be engraved.
I move to a different city and another forever passes before our schedules permit us to reunite. The evening we meet, we are wrapped up in each other’s arms on a bed wet with sweat. Our eyes are filled with passion and the juices of satisfaction are flowing freely from our bodies. I am once again thinking about how wonderful this kind of intimacy is. Ugh. No adult should be judged for enjoying the magic device that a penis is, the heaven found inside a vagina, and the wonderland that orgasms can get them to. It’s their pleasure!
Written by NEVADA