We are never taught how to have great sex nor how to enjoy it. Our aunties, who are supposedly the sex gurus of our lives, will only talk about what to do and how to please a man. They have dozens of mental manuals on how you bend and fold so that the man can have deep, particular penetration and enjoy YOU sensually. They will tell you how much lengths to reach for a man’s pleasure on your body. But, what do they say about our own pleasure? How much of sex are we supposed to enjoy with or without men?
The benefits of sex extend beyond the bedroom, on the bed, where we customarily get it done. A woman’s pleasure in her own bedroom is a subject hardly touched and the slut-shaming and taboo surrounding female sexuality, hold back a lot of openness towards sexual pleasure. As a woman, you cannot be free to make your own voice heard and make your demands known without having a sly comment in return. Even when that does not happen, we are already conditioned to take a man’s pleasure into priority before our own. We would even forget that our own feelings matter. A lot gets in the way of women’s pleasure.
However, thanks to this platform, we can give each other reminders and tips. Since I am not a professional sex therapist, let me make this clear: THIS IS NOT A COMPLETE GUIDE TO THE BEST SEX IN YOUR LIFE. There is so much more beyond this article and bodies work differently to serve their owners. Take this as a, “how to create more heat for yourself in the bedroom”.
KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE AND DISLIKE IN YOUR BEDROOM
The first step is to create an intimate connection with yourself. Some of us would casually call it dating yourself. Learn about your body, know what you like and dislike in the bedroom. Masturbate, if you have to, to learn from yourself and explore your body more. You will know how you like to be touched and how far you can go, even beyond orgasms. You will learn so much about what your body reacts to and what strokes excite your vagina. Learning your body sexually will definitely leave you more sexually empowered.
ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT
Be able to communicate with your partner. Talk to him and tell him what you want and how he should touch you. Men care less about pleasuring women. Some do not even know what a clit looks like before they can even start to look for the G-spot. Talk to your man, and be open to him. If a position is uncomfortable, ask for a pillow to support your legs and relax some of your muscles. The angle feels a bit weird and you are feeling cramps all over your legs and thighs? Shift until it feels good for you. Is it too hard? Too deep? Too fast? Not fast enough? This might be awkward at first but takes more practice to get used to. Bear in mind that sex is nowhere near flawless. Forget the movies and porn. It is an exercise unique to each individual, and our bodies work differently for us. Voice your desires, be vulnerable, transparent and that will bring you closer together and help you enjoy.
FOCUS ON THE MOMENT AND SWITCH OFF THE NOISE
It is normal to get distracted even when having sex. Even when you would prefer to focus on romance, you would often find yourself worrying about other things like your body image and performance. It is essential to focus on and stay in the moment. Be in a relaxed place and deactivate the brain so you can focus and experience full arousal and orgasm.
Meditation and fantasizing can also help you focus. It shuts down the anxious brain and helps you get into a deeper state of arousal. You will focus on the moment and what is happening to you. You will have less time to think about what could happen; that is what ruins the mood. Even the body gives in to your thoughts.
FORGET ABOUT ORGASMS
Stop focusing on orgasms. The less you think about having an orgasm, the more you enjoy the moment. When you have your brain fixed on the ending you will hardly enjoy the present moment. Sex is not a race to climax or a completion of who gets there first or how many times one does. Give yourself the opportunity to experience pleasure, love and connection, or whatever you choose it to be. Open up the worlds of possible pleasure, deeper satisfaction and enjoyment. Give yourself the space to show up differently and enjoy all the gifts of your sexual experience. You miss out on the whole experience right in the moment if you are trying to get to the orgasm as quickly as possible.
HAVE A POSITIVE BODY IMAGE
It may be more challenging for a woman who does not feel good about her body to enjoy her own sexual attractiveness. Your body image and thoughts about the appearance of your body contribute to sexual satisfaction. Positive body image increases confidence. When you feel better about yourself, chances are you will even enjoy yourself more. Negative body image inhibits pleasure, since you will be too worried to perform at your maximum. Most men do not conform to what the media say is the perfect body of a woman. They focus more on the details and experience of sex than someone’s body and how it looks like. This is why they enjoy sex more than women do.
THE WETTER THE BETTER
Sex is like a slip and slide; get in dry and you will get friction and burn. Discomfort during sex causes so much underwhelm in women. Do not be ashamed to reach out for extra lubrication when you are dry. It is not every day that our bodies agree with us and what we do. Sex is not an exception. Vaginal dryness comes with various conditions and it is not something that is unusual. Age, menopause and sometimes other health conditions are contributing factors as well. Do not be afraid to reach for a lubricant when it is needed. Water-based lube is ideal and comes up most recommended. You may want to choose the flavoured ones to make things interesting. Others may prefer saliva as a natural lube, an option not very welcomed in most cases. You will have to talk to your partner about that. Know the right products that will help you make sex more comfortable for you. Foreplay is one natural way to allow the vagina to self-lubricate.
GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO GET AROUSED
Bodies work differently for both men and women. It is estimated that it takes about 20 minutes of foreplay to arouse a woman. Passionate kisses, oral sex and fingering. Pay lots of attention to the clitoris. The clitoris has 8000 nerve endings. It is nature’s most fabulous creation. Whatever you do, work on it and work with it the most. Keep the clitoris involved all the time. I cannot stress this enough. It will take you from the regular so-so sex to the fabulous mind-blowing sex.
INVOLVE THE WHOLE BODY
The neck, breasts, bums, and thighs. Kisses on the shoulders and the back of the neck. Engage the senses. Look deeply into your partner’s eyes. Listen to their sensual sounds. Smell the uniqueness of their skin. Be creative, until the skin feels electric. Switch the nipples on. Push the pleasure buttons. You know where you want to be tickled. You know your sensitive parts. Have your partner play with you. Let them explore your body and discover the corners you did not know you have. The ears are an underrated body part which gets the body excited when played with correctly. Use your breath too. Breathe into the ears and feel a warm fuzz run down your spine and straight to your vagina.
Most importantly, BE IN THE MOMENT. FEEL THE MOMENT.
Written by Miss Kay