My Honesty Chronicles

Written by _Soleil

I don’t identify as straight or gay. I believe it’s way too early to be putting labels to my sexuality just yet. And this may shock people especially since I am a young woman who identifies as Christian. So, it’s pretty much obvious how my religion somewhat doesn’t believe in this ideology of mine. I recently lost my virginity at 19 years, the last one in my friend group to do it (there was no pressure). Not many of them know this. As I sit here and write this, I still can’t believe I did that. First, it was crazy painful; there is absolutely no pain that compares to this one. Wattpad, Inkkit and Patreon authors lied to us. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows and no matter how aroused you are, or how much lube you have, it’s going to hurt. Not only that, but I was also not prepared for the mental and emotional turmoil I am currently experiencing – the “what ifs” I have going on in my mind. That is something I am currently trying to navigate around. Although it was protected sex, the majority of these contraception methods are not 100% effective hence the mental torture. I have cried myself to sleep for the past few days and my mood swings are terrible. It hurts when you have no one to talk to, and it’s just you and your thoughts. Not necessarily that you are alone, it’s just the idea that you don’t want to be needy or seem attached. Weirdly enough, I was ready for the physical pain. It was as bad as I thought it would be and I would say out of this experience that was the only ‘okay’ thing for me. Now the part that has my knickers in a twist is my religion. I believe my fellow young Christian women, or at least those who are trying to walk this journey of Christ can relate to what I am about to say.

The guilt that comes after realizing you just broke a vow you made to God hits hard. I think for me that’s where the majority of my emotional turmoil is coming from. It hits you like a ton of bricks; like damn, I have fallen prey to lust and pleasing the flesh and I am not so pure anymore. Like now it’s real. And then you sit down and think and blame yourself as to why you didn’t let the Holy Spirit somehow guide you. To add salt to the wound I lost my virginity to someone I am not married to. Hell, he is not even my boyfriend, but more of a one-sided relationship. We are friends, but I think I may love him, and I beat myself up every day for that. But I think the biggest guilt of all this, is how I know deep down that I would do it all over again with this person. I also hate how in as much as I am praying to God that I am not pregnant – and hope I am not pregnant – all I have been thinking about is having sex with him again. And it’s like God is looking at me and probably saying “am I a joke to you girl”? That feeling is not pleasant at all. The regret part of this experience is from the religious aspect of my emotions.

Now that we know all that, this is what I wish I knew about sex. I wish I was told how much of a shock it is going to be in terms of how to deal with emotions and all that. I wish they taught us how to deal with all these emotions, especially guilt and embarrassment and even shame. I wish they taught the boy child that it’s okay for them to feel a certain type of way too, in as much as it is for the girl child to be feeling a certain way since more times than usual, it’s always the first time for most girls. I wish I was taught that moaning and wantoning are just as normal; that it’s how your body reacts to pleasure. I wish society, more especially black communities, would really go all out and freely talk about sex and it won’t be awkward to do so.  I wish these religious leaders would be real when talking about this and stop using big ambiguous words when explaining. I also wish that even in schools when being taught about sex, we would be spoken to more like people with actual feelings and emotions rather than robots. That we would be spoken to as people who are also currently going through whatever that is being taught.

This is how I discovered masturbation does play a vital role in having sex for the first time. Be mindful of how much self-pleasure you do. It was also one of the things I felt guilty about. Science says it’s beneficial to one’s body yet, just culturally and somehow religiously, it’s seen as bad. In my case, although the pain was bad, I was able to somehow orgasm because I knew my pleasure points and was able to communicate this better. Another thing I learnt is, who you have sex with the very first time is very important. Is the person willing to entertain how you’re overthinking and help you feel better or if both parties are inexperienced are you able to comfort each other? Or is the individual somehow not putting up for ‘drama’? I for one do not regret who I had sex with, and I don’t think no one should regret their first-time partners so be wary of this. Also, the aftercare that comes after having sex is important. If you are somewhat words of affirmation and physical touch lover like me, that can make the experience better. If there is some sort of understanding between the parties, I believe it makes the experience a tad better.

Over and above, I believe sex is not overall a bad thing. Of course, a few things can be tweaked by society in general and just by everyone individually to meet their partner’s best interests. But I can say that apart from these overwhelming emotions I am currently trying to navigate around, I won’t be having sex anytime soon. It’s however something worth exploring all over again in the near future.

With love


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