Written by Aliyah
Like many other girls, I grew up being told to remain “a virgin” till I got married. At the beginning, it made sense—that my worth was tied to sex or in this case, lack of it, till a specific time. Simultaneously, I saw that my brothers were never told any of this. Again, I was told that they were boys, and I was a girl, and that should make all the difference.
When I started to read books, I saw many stories of women who didn’t allow society to dictate what they could do and not do with their bodies. I saw women have safe sex with whoever they wanted and saw women not have sex because again, that was what they wanted. This was the beginning of my personal sexual liberation.
The first time I read about masturbation, I almost couldn’t believe a thing like that existed. That you could take this whole process of pleasure and give it to yourself. It felt almost empowering, owning your own pleasure. I had read that you shouldn’t put foreign objects that weren’t sex toys made for that purpose into yourself, so I didn’t. I’d later come to realize I could only have clitoral orgasms but then, I was a newbie, and was eager to follow the instructions of women who had enough experience to have written about it so that other women may be guided.
I had sex for the first time a couple of years later and as someone who had consumed a ton of romance novels, I was awfully disappointed. Was this what romance novel authors wrote about with so much flourish? Were their vivid descriptions solely fiction? I got caught up in the world of trying to figure out why sex wasn’t as good as it had been described. That was when I discovered the whole topic that was the orgasm gap.
The books I read already told me that sexual partners were meant to care for each other and ensure that all partners were satisfied. In the real world however, that didn’t seem to be the case. I was astonished by the percentage of women who never got to orgasm with their sexual male partners in comparison to the men who did.
Women were infact content with solo sex because that way, they got to orgasm and care for themselves, in comparison to what would happen if they had sex with a man. I then decided that I had to be conscious and intentional about myself and my satisfaction. I went celibate.
It was at this time that I expanded my knowledge on BDSM, something I already had an interest in, and met my current partner. We met online and so our sexual relations were limited to the online space. However, he was also interested in exploring the kink space and we both read and shared our knowledge on what we knew, how to go about it and all the things that were important, especially safe words and aftercare.
We finally met mid-year of 2022 and I got to experience the type of sex I had always read about—a careful, caring and intentional partner; not a selfish or self-centered one. We tried some of the things that we both had interest in and for the first time ever, someone other than myself made me orgasm. It felt very much like what I’d always read about in books and it was exciting to have experienced my own storybook romance with all the spice.
It also made me realize that many women settle because they think they can’t find better or are ashamed to admit they also need sexual satisfaction. The greatest favor you can do for yourself as a woman, is own your own pleasure. Whether you would have sex, or not, make sure that you’re doing all of this because you want to and not because of anyone else.