There is a ton of material out there that advocates for the use of pleasure products and toys, and how instrumental they can be in the journey of exploring pleasure. Toys have empowered a lot of us to really be curious about our pleasure potential. Whether alone or with a partner, these objects and products have brought much excitement and adventure into our bedrooms.
In a similar way, many people have welcomed the arousal that comes with the visual stimulation of watching porn. Porn has become many people’s go-to to warm up before sex, to experience orgasm or to enjoy everything in-between. Performers in pornography have also opened up our minds to more creative ways of playing and enjoying sex. Porn has allowed us to embrace some of the fantasies and desires we’d usually be shy to admit we have, even to ourselves, and it has also allowed us to access parts of our imaginations that may have otherwise been closed. Opening these previously shut doors in our minds can have positive impacts on how we experience sex on both a psychological and physical level.
While I will always encourage a healthy exploration of sex toys and pornography, there are some concerns around indulging in these that we need to be more comfortable talking about. The good intention to move the world from a less shameful approach to pleasure, to a more sex positive one can sometimes gloss over people’s legitimate experiences and concerns.
These are a few concerns that many people have experienced, and some ideas on how to overcome them.
Playing with my toys has decreased my ability to experience pleasure or an orgasm without them
It’s important to note the choice of language when talking about this concern. While it is tempting to read this statement as “this person is addicted to their toys”, this misleading conclusion and judgement makes us miss what could really be going on in their body and the mind. Our understanding of addiction is one that suggests a person is dependent on something to the point of possibly not being able to function without it. It suggests a hard stop and abstinence as the only ‘cure’. This approach unfortunately doesn’t solve the problem and can leave one feeling disempowered.
There is nothing wrong with needing to use pleasure products to experience pleasure. The potential problem lies in when we think the pleasure we derive from toys is the only or best kind, and our minds and bodies automatically associate any kind of pleasure with these pleasure products. The trick here is not abandoning toys completely but reframing what we associate with pleasure that is good enough as it is. It may not necessarily be true that your body doesn’t enjoy other forms of pleasure. It could be that you rush over or completely ignore the other sensations your body can feel simply because you have been enjoying the toy-induced pleasure so much as of late. It is normal for our bodies to get overly excited and fascinated by the new sensations and waves of pleasure that pleasure products can induce. The same way you may fixate over a new flavour you taste, a new series you may watch or a new song you’ve come to love, our bodies will crave and want something new or that feels really good.
If you want to be able to still enjoy pleasure without using your toys, the first thing is to admit that different stimulants will have different effects on you, and comparing them is impractical and may be unfair. Your fingers, for example, cannot move as fast as your clitoral stimulator, but there is also pleasure in gentler, softer stimulation of that part of your body. You may just need to give yourself more time, be more present in your body and really be invested in the journey to fully enjoy the experience.
My orgasms are no longer as intense with my toys
In economics, we talk about a concept called marginal utility: the more you have of something, the less the added pleasure or benefit of having it becomes. It doesn’t mean there is no more added pleasure, but it’s not going to be the same as it was the last time and the time before that. For some people, the same concept applies when it comes to how they stimulate and pleasure their bodies.
Fortunately, our bodies can be taught, reset and ‘reprogrammed’. If you feel like your orgasms are no longer as delicious as they used to be when you first started playing with toys, all you need to do is switch it up. Switching it up could simply be, changing the position or location where you are playing with your toy. Instead of using your regular and trusted frequency or tempo, you could explore the other settings your toy has. Our bodies enjoy variety and exploration in the same way our taste buds and any other pleasure receptor in our beings do. Perhaps take a break from using your toy and focus more on using your hands, or other non-electric objects in your space. Experiment with the feeling of a leather crop on your clit instead of using your wand. Put the rabbit away and make an ice dildo and see how that feels as a penetrative play object.
The first few times you try this, you will have to allow yourself the torture of delayed gratification, because your mind and body understandably might crave what it already knows and is used to. Don’t give in. You might feel like the pleasure is not as intense the first few times, but keep at it. At the very least, the day you go back to your regular toys and patterns, your body would have missed them enough to experience a different intensity, and hopefully more pleasure, than it did the last time you used them.
I can no longer experience an orgasm without watching porn
Again, resist the temptation to understand this as “I am addicted to porn.” You may have simply become dependent on it, which is also something you can work on by disrupting your patterns and reframing your relationship with the performance art.
What can help you understand the reason why porn has a bigger effect on your potential to orgasm than anything else is isolating the different parts of the watching experience that really turn you on. Maybe you’re a person who really enjoys and needs visual stimulation to get turned on. In this case, experiment with other ways to get the stimulus. Perhaps looking at old nudes and videos of your partner could elicit the similar effects. Perhaps watching them touch themselves or play with someone else while you give them orders is a kink you never knew you had. Through this approach, you realise it’s the visual stimulus you enjoy, and you can play around with how you indulge it. Watching porn doesn’t have to be the only way.
For some people, the sound effects in performance porn are what they really enjoy. In this case, you can play with yourself or a partner while listening to erotic audio and stories. You can express to your partner the sounds you like hearing and ask or encourage them to replicate them while you’re enjoying each other – if they’re comfortable with it of course.
Similar to our previous concern, exploring other ways to stimulate your mind could pleasantly surprise you. Try reading an erotic novel, attend play parties where you could possibly watch people play live, or dare to live out one or two of the scenes you have watched to teach your mind that the magic doesn’t only exist in performance porn. You can have it in real life too.
I feel depressed or disgusted in myself after watching porn or masturbating
This is a common feeling for people who may still be struggling with shame around exploring their pleasure or admitting to some of the things that excite them and turn them on. It’s not only a feeling that comes up when playing with toys or watching porn; it can also happen after living out a forbidden fantasy with a partner.
Remember, the endorphins that are released within your body during heightened states of pleasure or orgasm are like a high. Inevitably, that high will have to come down. One way to make this ‘come down’ easier is to cushion it with things that make you feel good. We call this aftercare. Aftercare is a term often associated with kink and BDSM acts, but, in my opinion at least, any experience that might give an unusual spike in endorphins could need a form of aftercare so that the body can better register plateauing as reset back to normal, as opposed to a depressing downer.
Often a depressive feeling after sex or masturbating can be a sign that you desire more intimacy, and not necessarily more sex, in your life. Remember intimacy isn’t only found in romantic or sexual partners. You can look to your friends, family, community, and pets for intimacy. If you do have a partner, talk to them about the possibility of them holding and caressing you while you masturbate and sharing cuddles and words of affirmation when you are finished. If your partner is far away, a phone call may help. Aftercare doesn’t have to come from someone else; you can put on standby some of your favourite things to help balance your happy hormones after your sexy time has ended. Sit in a hot tub with candles on while sipping on your favourite wine. Fall asleep watching your favourite show. Eat half a tub, or a full one, of ice-cream. Usually, the more intense the orgasm or experience, the most likely you will need some aftercare.
One last thing about porn – remember that most porn we are exposed to is made up of performers who are following a script and direction. Unfortunately, we seldom see the behind-the-scenes parts that allow them to be able to perform the way they do. We don’t see the parts where the performers are telling each other how their bodies work, what they’re uncomfortable with and what their boundaries are, for example. We don’t see other people coming in to give oral sex to help the male performers maintain their erections, for example. We don’t know how long it actually takes to get the female performers to a heightened state of pleasure enough to induce those squirting orgasms. Porn is made to entertain and to excite. Whenever you indulge it, appreciate it as such: entertainment. Be more intentional about outsourcing porn that can have better effects on your subconscious and psyche. While you may have to pay for it, there is some great porn out there that shows people in different bodies, with different sexual orientations and gender expressions enjoying pleasure. They show how the discussion of consent and safe sex habits does not, in fact, detract away from having a good time. This kind of porn is better at setting our expectations of ourselves, our bodies and the very normal, human, sometimes awkward and uncomfortable moments that can come up during sex. Allow yourself to consume porn that makes you feel good about your humanness as it is, instead of only exposing yourself to performers who are trained and experienced in putting on a show.
