I was incredibly stressed. Everything was going according to schedule but every time I looked around I couldn’t help but notice things that were not as perfect as I imagined. Chairs weren’t sitting right. I hadn’t yet unpacked the refreshments and people were already streaming in and I knew they’d want a drink or snacks to distract them from the nerves of attending a kink party.
In the corner of my eye I caught Snow walking into the room, as timid as I always remembered her to be. I knew she was coming, but I couldn’t have prepared myself to see my old sub for the first time in more than three months. I couldn’t bring myself to make eye contact lest she noticed a vulnerability and guilt in me that I was not ready to admit. I had been keeping my distance from Snow on purpose since I found out my best friend was her new Dominant. I had never found the words to express how happy I was for her, but also how jealous and sad this made me feel. I wouldn’t have been able to tell her how my best friend and I had fallen out just the day before this very event, over my unresolved feelings of their new relationship. A part of me wanted to hurt Snow too, so perhaps a part of me intended to appear distant on purpose.
As I shut the door of my car, I noticed Snow had reappeared, this time, kneeling on the gravel driveway, head low, and hands on the knees, a familiar position that immediately sent butterflies to my tummy. Was Snow deliberately trying to distract me? I wish she knew how nervous I was about being in the same space as her. The last thing I needed was to be reminded of how we used to be. I pulled myself together and reminded myself to retain control.
“Snow, what are you doing?”
“I missed you, Mistress.”
I gasped softly and my heart sank at the admission, and the sound of Snow calling me Mistress. After all this time, her soft, sweet voice still elicited a warm fuzzy physiological response when she addressed me like that. It was a bittersweet feeling, knowing she still revered and regarded me as such.
I locked the car and stalled a little while longer, hoping a thought might come to mind as to how to handle this encounter I had not prepared my mind or body for. I emerged from beside the car, and looked at Snow. The urge to relieve her from her uncomfortable kneeling position on the gravel and take her into my arms did not surprise me. This image of her, voluntarily enduring pain just to acknowledge me felt like deja vu. It was so tempting to touch her, but I stopped myself, turned around, and hurried back to reality.
“Don’t catch a cold, come inside and sit with everyone else” I said, consciously changing the tone in my voice from dominant to acquaintance.
I was grateful for the distraction when I walked into the main playroom. I made eye contact with my best friend and was conflicted with both fear and hope that she had seen the brief encounter I had with my sub. I was surprised my mind used the words my sub and not hers. I feared a conversation would ensue so I made an announcement that the event would start and everyone should gather around. My palms were sweating, and I felt a quiver in my voice that I hoped no one would notice as I did my welcoming speeches. I wondered if my co-host could tell I was distracted because she then interrupted my rambling and started going over the rules.
Please ask for permission before you touch or play with anyone. Say please and thank you to your partners. Do not use toys that are not yours without consent. Please refrain from drinking excessively. Only take photographs of yourself.
We allowed our guests to have the last of their welcoming drinks as our Rope Master finished preparing for the workshop. I made small talk and helped the guests settle in all the while watching Snow as discreetly as possible. I wanted any excuse to talk to her, so I walked up to her and confiscated her drink, giving her a look that reminded her how I felt about her being in play spaces under the influence.
I was relieved when the Rope Master announced that he was ready for us to start.
I watched from a distance as the guests carefully listened and followed the Rope Master’s instructions for the first tie. I watched Snow at the end of the room and couldn’t help but be hypnotised by the slow and deliberate movements of her hands as she weaved patterns and knots on her legs. She’d gotten so good at it. My heart warmed as I remembered how good Snow was at following instructions. I wanted to take the credit and say I taught her well, but I allowed myself to admit that it was largely because of the lovely girl she was, who truly derived her own pleasure from pleasing. She wanted nothing more than to please.
I was desperate to engage Snow, do something or say anything, but I wasn’t sure what. I started walking around the space and pretended to help people with their rope so that it wouldn’t look weird ending up next to her. I pretended to fix Snow’s knots and tugged at the rope, pulling harder than necessary. She didn’t resist, like I knew she wouldn’t. Our chemistry was that of dance partners who’d known each other’s bodies for ages, and whose feet moved in perfect synchronicity despite how long it had been since they’d heard the number.
“When you’re done with this tie, you’ll leave the workshop and go to the front room, and I will find you there in your first position.”
I walked away and carried on facilitating the rest of the space, wondering if Snow would follow the instruction. Did I have a right to speak to her like that? What if she didn’t do as I asked, what would that mean? What if she did? What would I do or say with her if she did? Not even I was sure I knew what I was doing.
I did a double take as I heard Snow leave the room behind me. My heart started to race and I could feel my body heat up with nerves, and a tension sweat started to break. My best friend was having a lovely time in her nudity, the rope looking beautiful on her caramel skin. My host was distracted with folding up the left-over rope of the guests who didn’t show up. Their oblivion of my presence made it easy for me to slip out. I walked for what felt like forever into the room that was just a few metres away. I opened the door and there she was. Snow’s dark skin looked like it was glowing like an angel’s ready to worship in the dark room with nothing but the moonlight shining through the large windows. I approached her like a god and a devil, as I felt myself easily ease into the power I held to free and captivate her. Snow looked up at me as I shut the door, but looked back at the floor as I returned her gaze with a stern look.
“So you feel worthy of looking me in my eyes now?”
Snow remained silent.
“You know I don’t like it when you don’t answer me when I talk to you.”
Snow mumbled something softly and it annoyed me that I had to strain my ears to make out what she was saying. I hurried forward and crouched in front of her, talking directly into her ear, half as my panicked normal self, and the other half as the Dominant she’s always known. I chastised her,
“Why would you kneel in front of me like that in the parking lot?? What did you think was going to happen?? You can’t just do that when I haven’t seen you in so long!”
I felt myself getting emotional, so I got up to pull myself together and just watched Snow’s small body kneel there, not moving, still waiting for me.
I walked around Snow, examining her body, sorely picturing all the torturous and pleasurable things my best friend could be enjoying with my old toy. I felt like a remorseful pet owner who had given up her baby to what I thought was a loving home, only to see a “sold” item plastered in red tape over her glass box. A longing feeling for one last caress, one last cuddle, and one last play made me pull at Snow’s top and undress her bra-less chest.
“Is this what you want?” I asked her.
“Yes, Mistress.” She sounded relieved.
I bent down to brush over my pet’s torso, and noticed the goose bumps and her nipples hardening. Snow twitched uncomfortably as I pinched her nipples. I alternated between the tenderness I felt towards her and the lust that came with the reminder of how delicious it was when Snow surrendered to me. The power and control she so gladly offered me. I slipped my hands into her pants and wasn’t surprised to feel how much she had already soaked her panties in that short interaction. That’s how it had always been with us. I wondered if she knew how wet I was. Thoughts of how we used to be, coupled with the intense desire I had for her made it too difficult for me to maintain my dominance and roleplay, so I pulled my hand out of her pants and put them in her mouth, making her suck them clean. She obliged, the way I expected my well-trained slut to. She let out a moan as she was starting to enjoy herself, but I pulled my hands out of her mouth, got up and left the room.
I rested my back and head on the door and raised my eyes as what felt like tears threatened to cascade onto my face. I breathed as I tried to think straight. I returned to the party just to show my face for a second, and then locked myself in the bathroom to pull myself together. I knew I would have to go back into the front room and release Snow.
The conflicting emotions made me cry. I was so jealous it was my best friend who was now training Snow as her sub. I wondered if Snow knew that her new Domme was my best friend. Did her new Domme know she was kneeling for someone else at this very moment? What would be the consequence of that? I wondered if I should tell Snow. It had taken me almost three months just to tell my best friend how I truly felt about their new relationship. I didn’t know anyone better to take care of Snow as well as I would have wanted to. I feared that admitting how I felt would make my best friend change her mind about training and caring for Snow, and strip her of an experience a part of me really wanted for her, that I knew I had failed at giving her. I shed another tear at the thought of ‘failed’. With my anxiety and depression this year, failing seemed to be something I had been doing often. I felt disappointed, sad, hurt and bitter to count yet another experience my mental illnesses had robbed me of. I wondered if I would ever have the guts to tell Snow how I truly felt about her. How much I cared. How badly I wanted to be a good Dominant to her. How I stalked her social media just to see and know if she was ok, happy. How I wanted to ask her about varsity, her family, her life, and her own mental health. I wonder if I’d ever be able to tell her how my lover had to hold me while crying on the day I learned my best friend was taking an interest in Snow. How, for three months, I endured the pain of hearing my oblivious best friend talk about her lovely new sub and all the amazing things she was experiencing with her. This was the only access I had to Snow. Hearing the stories from my best friend was the only way I could find out if she was ok and happy. At least, I thought as I dried my eyes, I knew she was well taken care of.
I walked back into the room where Snow was, and she was still in her position. I had no energy to put up the roleplay, so I sat on the couch, my head buried in my hands. I didn’t know what to do or say, I just knew I wanted to be close to her. I heard her move closer to me on her knees. Then Snow did something that startled me. She cradled her arms around my legs and lay her head on my lap. Automatically, my hand reached out to stroke and rub Snow’s head, and I could feel her relax into me.
“It’s okay. I’m not mad or upset at you. It’s just that… you’re still so desperate for Mistress sometimes, it concerns me. And it concerns me how hard it is to resist you. I wonder if I did a good job of releasing you. Or maybe you didn’t do a good job of letting go. Or maybe it’s both.”
Snow didn’t reply. Suddenly the air between us became really loud and the smallest noises desperately tried to fill the silence. There were so many words at the tip of my tongue, but I somehow felt incapacitated by all the emotion.
I missed Snow but feared that telling her would spark a hope I wasn’t sure I’d be able to be held accountable for. So instead, I pulled her onto my lap and held her tight in my arms, and hoped that at the very least, this would always be how she remembers experiencing me.
