On Your Marks, Get Set, Sex Goals!

Dear Adventurers:

Happy New Year from all of us at Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women. 2022 came with a host of exciting surprises and we’re hopeful that we will replicate that energy in 2023. In that spirit, let’s start with one of longtime community traditions: The setting of our new year sex goals!

Over here on Adventures, we’re all about discovering and discussing new (as well as tried and tested) ways of unlocking and accessing pleasure and sexual satisfaction. This is the time where we invite you to think deeply and reflect honestly about what you want out of your relationships, your health,  spirituality and all aspects that guide and influence your pleasure journey. I will kick us off.

In 2023, I want to explore and lean into vulnerability. This is my primary and ultimate pleasure goal. As a typical First Born Daughter (shout out to all my sisters in this struggle), I rarely – if ever – had the luxury of being vulnerable in my romantic or platonic relationships. I had to be tough, shrewd, and always looking over my shoulder to make sure that no one could take advantage of me. We now have a term for that thanks to the Black feminist community: hypervigilance. It was only recently that I recognized how this has affected my experiences with intimacy and sex. I have always been afraid to let go completely and give myself over to the wanton abandon of pure pleasure. My orgasms (if I granted myself one) were guarded, suppressed and respectably performed. I would like to replace muted groans with shrieks of delight and allow my body to fold into its natural shape in the aftermath of coitus.

I also want to be more open with the expression of my feelings and needs. I don’t always trust that my partner will honor those feelings or not find them silly. In addition to that, death has often been a preferable outcome than the appearance of seeming clingy or needy. First Born Daughters never need anyone, ever. This is what has turned me off from considering indulging in any aspect of vulnerability. However, at my big-big age, I am finally ready to examine how vulnerability might be able to improve my sexual – and sensual – outcomes.

When it comes to setting your individual sex goals – or any goals for that matter – my advice is to try an approach that I have embraced over the years. Instead of focusing on what you want to stop doing, consider what you want to start doing instead. Change your language so that it becomes reflective of advancing towards a goal, rather than fleeing an undesirable outcome. Try saying:

I love my boobs, hips, thighs…

I want to spend more time with my partner doing x…

I feel good when I do x…

Rather than:

I wish I could change my belly, flabby arms and neck fat…

I am resentful when my partner doesn’t want to do x…

I want to change how bad I feel when I am doing x…

Channeling positive energy almost always forces everything else into the alignment you seek.

Now it’s your turn to tell us what your sex and pleasure goals are! You can leave a comment below or hit us up on any of our socials on Twitter, IG or Facebook. Whatever your ambitions are, your Adventures fam will be cheering you on with yummy resources, stories and vibes to motivate and support you along the way.

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