Pleasure is Power

Photo by Billy Hani

Pleasure is Power
it begins with sex
then you can see which parts of you are free
which parts are covered in shame
which parts are repressed
which parts are state/ church/ street-controlled
sex is mine, but who’s holding the power?

when sex becomes pleasurable
with no guilt or shame aftershocks
free takes up a larger space in your essence
(spreads to all other parts of your life)

when pleasure can be selfishly prioritized 
as an end in itself
the world as we know it
(a. k. a. patriarchal cis-het domination)
will be a place from the past
zitakuwa ni story za jaba

pleasure is power
they will do anything to make sure we are too caught up in Babylon to fully grasp this

pleasure is power
makes me think about,
how powerful I feel in my own sexual autonomy,
what it took to get here,
and how great that feels with every new wave of growth and self-awareness

how powerful I feel –
I know exactly what I don’t want
so I go towards the unknown,
curious & excited about what I will find that will excite me
I go where the excitement leads

how powerful I feel –
after a while, I start to know what I want with a good measure of specificity. 
I want lovers who can be friends.
friends who are life partners
sex. lots of sex
with as many people as are meant for me

I want short flings and long romances
dick sex and endless pussy
“my heart is a lesbian, 
my vagina is bisexual”
~a wise person said
~I found to be true about myself 

I want deep connections where I can lay my soul bare
I want deeper sex connections where our fucking heals the cosmos.
I want time with myself most of all; be my own primary partner
give myself everything
so that my lovers can come and go as is destined and I am whole through it all.

how powerful I feel?
I get to choose. 
I know best. 
only me. 
look inside, always.
free from other people’s rules
(which they can’t live up to themselves)
free from self-judgment. I accept all my parts & all my wants.
free from expectations. those go in the trash.
what you see is what you get.
you have the power to choose to stay.

how powerful I feel –
releasing the idea of one person forever
caused a cosmic explosion in my universe.
everything is possible.
time doesn’t matter 
the present starts to make sense
because that’s all we get anyway.
in the now, we just have to be!

pleasure is power
thinking about what it took to get here
I was an LGBTQ baby. connected the dots looking back.
surprised how I didn’t see it for so long when it was there all along
(not surprised also. because –
[grab a dictionary if you need one. it’s important]
it is queerness that always led me down the alternative path –
i may have been blind to the sexual expression of it
It still shone through all the real parts of me
my best parts are my queer parts #iykyk

pleasure is power
how I got here –
I was meant to get here
mind, body, spirit + environment led me here
my part was to be brave enough to choose myself at every fork in the road

fork in the road like:
we are so great together and it’s been 3 years and the friendship is as beautiful as the love & the romance
they are headed towards a corporate capitalist future and they want the benefits of cis-het patriarchal structures. 
Marriage and the nuclear family is a specific need. and exclusivity 
I am not any of those tracks of life. so it must end. 
Everything ended. including the friendship.

fork in the road like:
the first woman I loved as a sexually expressive queer person
I love her still
I wanted more than anything to be the person who could call her Girlfriend and make her my one and only. She wanted so much to be that person who could be ok with me having other lovers. We tried so hard for each other, until we really had to choose.
we chose ourselves.
and we chose friendship.
because the love doesn’t have to end.
This is a happy place.
pleasure is power.

pleasure is power
how great it feels… 
alone on my terms, because I want to be
attuned to my own needs because I am number one on the call list to fulfill them
present to what I need from others
choosing only those who align with how I need what I need
(sex, lots of it, with lovers who can be friends)
so much self-pleasure exploration
to be in horny season 
and to serve yourself all the orgasms your body asks for satisfactorily –
is godd levels of power.

how great it feels –
I’m currently obsessed with a man
I call him Pretty Boy
(more obsessed with the dick than the person)
(let’s be for fucking real)

Anyway, how great it feels?
I have a pleasure wishlist that I update constantly
pretty boy is just as excited as me to go down the list
and discover all the paths to pleasure there are
he’s a giver, 
I can take it. 
and that’s it. 
Our love for pleasure is what brings us together. 
a great friendship has formed on top of that. 
pleasure is power.

how great it feels –
don’t you find it weird when they tell us
that we must grow up to find a person with whom to build a life with
– almost making it like that is task one and THEN you can figure out what you are on this earth for. except by then you are in the business of raising children which means your best shot of success is succeeding in the matrix a. k. a Babylon a.k.a cis-het-patriarchal-capitalism

knowing that I’m not looking for one person leaves me free to worry about myself.
I’m grateful to the younger me for staying on top of her contraceptives, giving me the chance to choose a child-free life.
having only myself to think about and not having one specific person to do everything with –
has expanded my consciousness immensely.
It’s given me,
autonomy in places we are not conscious of
a falling in love with self deeply & eternally
I cherish seasons with friends and lovers without expecting forever
I cherish seasons when it’s just me

Building a life –
my path is mine, their path is theirs
where we collide is for kismet to decide
power is learning to trust my mind & my choices
power is going alone knowing that only I can create the life I want
and that others must fit in it or leave
(not the other way around)

power is feeling afraid and left out and choosing my path anyway.
power is getting past these feelings and noticing the divine companionship I exist in already. I am never alone.

pleasure is power
I feel powerful when I sit down to write my sex stories
when I can tell my lovers exactly what they do to me, how it makes me feel
what I want to do to them and with them.
when they can glow in my adoration and know exactly what I mean.
I serenade my friends too. they must also know what their love feels like

It gets better when I tell my stories outside and the result is folks getting up to find their own freedom.
I’m glad I’m a writer (hello mercury in pisces folks!)
I’m glad I can put words to all of my pleasure feelings
especially now. when the news is so ugly. when the fight looks larger than any individual.

now more than ever,
celebrating pleasure is the part of the resistance that is effortless, self-healing & rest-giving

pleasure is ours.
pleasure power.

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