I am a control freak. It’s one of the reasons I don’t have a boyfriend. I tend to intimidate the guys I date. I try to be weak and needy but it’s just not me. I don’t try to be dominant. I just am. Even when I have sex, I’m rarely on the bottom. I would never willingly allow someone to take control of my body, which is why I’m sitting on my couch in my comfortable PJs asking myself what the hell happened at work today.
I let her tell me what to do. I did what she asked me to do. I felt defiant but I still did it. The very thought of us in that bathroom had my pussy clenching.
Don’t you dare touch yourself.
I needed release and I needed it badly and yet, that text kept flashing in my mind’s eye. Somehow, I felt if I gave myself an orgasm, she’d know. I sighed and flicked the television off. I wasn’t watching it anyway.
When I slept, my dreams were filled with her touching me, her fingers filling me, and her mouth lapping me up. When I woke up, my sheets were wet with my juices. I dumped them in the hamper. In the shower, I began to stroke myself, teasing, making my toes curl.
Don’t you dare touch yourself.
I groaned in frustration and stopped myself. I dressed hurriedly and got to work much earlier than usual. Perhaps, losing myself in work would take my mind off all this. I stepped into the elevator and just as the doors closed, a hand shot in between them to keep them open. She stepped in. I wished there were someone else in the elevator.
“Good morning.” Her voice made me clench.
“Good morning.” I replied. She stood next to me, cool as you please and then the doors closed. We went up to our floor in silence. Why was she at work this early anyway?
I turned to look at her. She was smiling at a text on her phone, totally ignoring me. That should make me feel relieved but it unsettled me. When the elevator got to our floor, she just walked out and to her station.
I walked to mine, slightly unsettled but with an odd sense of relief. We were not going to talk about yesterday. I settled in and then as much as possible tried to ignore the pull of those gorgeous brown eyes.
At lunchtime, I went to this quaint little café around the corner. I went there for lunch each day. I usually spent the hour on a plate of salad and then a book. I ate salad because I was self-conscious about eating outside. Something heavier would be better but that could wait till I got home.
I was engrossed in my book but the minute she slid into the chair opposite me, I knew. Whenever she entered a room, my body registered the fact before my mind did. I pretended not to notice she was there and kept my nose in my book.
She didn’t talk to me, no. She just signalled for a waitress, got her order and ate as if I wasn’t there. She did not attempt to make conversation. This was getting annoying. I wanted to put my book down and talk to her but I didn’t want to be the first one to make a move. That was what she wanted was it not? I would play her game, and she’d lose.
I checked my watch. I had ten minutes till lunch break was over. I could just get up and leave, refusing to acknowledge that she was there. I could talk to her, prove that I was unaffected by her presence and then leave. I could also wait for her to leave and then leave later.
I closed my book with a thud and gathered up my things. I stood up to leave but her voice froze me in place.
“You want to walk back to work together?” I turned around and looked at her. She was wiping her mouth with a tissue. The look on her face was pure innocence as if she had no ulterior motive for asking to walk back together.
“Don’t look so distrustful. We work in the same building, on the same floor. It’s nice to ask. If you’d rather not though, I understand.”
I sighed and sat back down across from her. “What do you want from me?”
“That’s the first time you’ve spoken to me. What changed?”
“I asked you a question,” I said
“And so did I.”
“Well, I asked first so you have to answer first.”
“Well, I don’t want to answer till you answer.”
“We’re at an impasse then, because I won’t answer till you do.”
“Too bad, cos I think you would have liked my answer.”
I groaned in my head and stood up. Straightening my dress, I turned to her, “Still want to walk to work together?”
“You’re still talking to me. I should antagonise you more. It makes you talkative.” She smiled at me and stood.
“You should answer questions; they make me want to hurt you less.” I bluffed.
“Honey, you shouldn’t lie to us. You don’t want to hurt me.” she smiled a small smile, and then she cocked her head to one side. “Or you do want to hurt me, but not in the way you mean right now. I think you want to do sinful things to me, you want to make me plead and beg, you want to cause me pain that will culminate in pleasure, and you want to do it so damn much that your pussy is clenching right now with the thought and you just wet your panties. You want it so much your hands are shaking and you’re glad you didn’t wear heels today, or you’d be unsteady on your feet. You want to hurt me, but more and more with each word I say, never less.”
The whole while, she spoke as if she was talking about the weather or the Liverpool game last night. Her voice never wavered or faltered and she kept walking steadily, never breaking stride.
I neither confirmed nor denied what she said, I just kept walking until we got to the office. We waited for the elevator in silence.
I wanted to be able to tell her she was wrong but I couldn’t. Every word she said was true, though she missed out on one detail; I wanted to do them to her but I wanted her to do them to me too. I shook my head and stepped into the elevator when it arrived. She stepped in too and then backed me into a corner.
“You want me, it’s in your eyes. Why are you fighting it?” she stroked my cheek, so gently. Her hands were warm and her touch delighted me in more ways than one. I sighed and leaned into her touch. I closed my eyes.
“You asked me what I wanted from you. I’ll tell you; you. I just want you. Can you give me that?” She didn’t wait for my reply, she just leaned in and rested her forehead against mine. It was a comforting feeling. I didn’t try to resist it this time. I let her proximity meddle with my senses.
The elevator pinged and we stepped apart. We went to our respective stations. I tried to concentrate on my work but I couldn’t. I was trying to figure her out. She was confusing; one minute all warm and soft, and the next she wasn’t. She wanted me, and I wanted her. It was quite simple. Why wasn’t I giving in to her again?
Because you don’t understand your body’s response to her. You don’t understand why a control freak such as yourself would want to give control over to another person. You’ve never felt this way and it frightens the shit out of you.
My phone buzzed on my desk and interrupted my thoughts. I opened the message.
“I see the cogs turning in your brain. You don’t have to understand everything.”
I looked up and her eyes met mine. That familiar jolt went down my spine. Her gaze was steady and intent and I didn’t look away. She raised one eyebrow slightly, almost suggestively and her lips puckered ever so slightly, it was almost imperceptible. Then, she looked away and went to work. I did too.
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