Part 1 – The date
I met Skater Boy at an arts workshop this week. I hardly noticed him over the first three days and we barely said a word to each other. On the last day however, we started talking and essentially didn’t stop until midnight.
He’s so easy to talk to; the words flowed smoothly and easily as we covered different topics of our life – childhood, freelancing, parents, experiences and aspirations. He opened up to me completely and was very real, I didn’t sense that he was embellishing himself or the truth to try and impress me and I found that attractive. As a loud and confident person myself (Fire Girl), people tend to simply agree with me and what I say goes. With Skater Boy, he was able to speak his truth in a non-aggressive way, whilst also being very accepting and non-judgemental of my truth. I came out to him as bisexual on the first day, and was relieved to see he was totally cool with it as I was used to receiving either hyper-sexual or pure homophobic responses from straight men.
Skater Boy is a skater (duh), talented animator, and freelancer like myself. He calls himself “kenyeji” which he describes as 60% village and 40% urban.
I hadn’t been on a date with a man for a while, and I loved the sense of normalcy to it all… and that he paid for everything. At one point, he opened up to me about how his father had abandoned him, his mother had re-married, and he essentially had no place to call home.
All the attachment and empath wounds within me deeply resonated with him in that moment, and honestly I kind of wonder if I didn’t form some type of instant trauma bond.
I know the feeling of abandonment, and frankly live that reality everyday. Having him open up about something similar, I internally assigned myself to hold and heal those wounds for him, so he wouldn’t feel the pain I myself am so familiar with. Oh to be a lover girl.
By the end of that day, a Wednesday, long after the workshop had ended and we had skated, eaten and talked for hours, we finally parted ways. I was ready to sleep with him on that very first day, but he insisted we wait and take things slow. I found that surprising, and my ego immediately wanted to take it as a slight on my appeal or attractiveness, but that wasn’t the case. He bought me roses and kissed me goodnight while shaking, and the whole thing wildly turned me on.
A few days later, we went on a “real date”. He took me to see some live music and we had giant beers, kissed in public and basically acted like a couple. Though I had a few reservations about how committed it all came off, I deeply enjoyed myself and was once again relieved at the normalcy of it all. Me, Fire Girl, notorious queer, was out here on a date with a man and loving it. I felt young, desired, and normal – all very welcome feelings in my typically chaotic life.
Part 2 – The sex
The sex. Skater Boy had suggested that we “wait” before we open up the sexual chapter of our relationship. He said it takes him a while to trust women, and prefers to take things slow. Honestly, I found this refreshing. Extroverted me also took it as a challenge and so while he’d initially wanted us to wait for a month, it ended up being five days. Temptress temptressing.
Personally, I don’t believe in the concept of “waiting”. I find it tied to Christian pure moralistic virgin values, and I find it attaches this huge weight to sex that then becomes a central point in a relationship. If one holds what they view to be a sufficient connection with another, I don’t find the value in waiting.
In this case, our brief waiting period meant I spent a lot of time fantasizing about and really craving this interaction with Skater Boy. I honestly think we both hyped things too much in our heads and when the moment came, I was honestly a bit disappointed. Not to say the sex was bad, but it wasn’t this sexy utopian image I had conjured and replayed in my mind for the days prior.
While he wasn’t trying to impress me in conversation, I do feel like he tried to do so sexually. Putting on a hyper-masculine and borderline aggressive persona which he maybe assumed I was into, being the sexually open being I am. It’s not what I had wanted. I’d pictured something much more slow, sexy and intimate. Just as easygoing and real as our conversations.
The first time was a bit too pornographic for me, with him bending me in all kinds of positions except missionary and only thrusting fast and hard. Good thing I expressed myself and my preferences pretty early on, and he wholeheartedly listened, and even apologized (there was no need to, we were figuring things out).
On the other hand, he verbally worshiped me and I was positively overwhelmed with his compliments.
“Who are you? You are so beautiful. Where did you come from? You are unreal. You were sent to me.”
All those words made me feel that he saw my higher self, and I found that very fulfilling.
Thankfully, the next morning we got to try our hand at the sex again and now that the beers had settled more into our bloodstream, it got to be more of the slow and intimate version I had pictured.
The thing with sex I find, like most other things, is that it takes practice. Getting to know each other’s bodies, preferences and desires is a process like many others, and we hardly get it right on the first try.
We have since slept together again, and I can happily report that it keeps getting better and better.
Part 3 – The morning after
The morning after, Skater Boy made me french toast with honey and showed me a couple of music videos on his TV. While his (slightly older) body was still processing the beers from the night before, I lay on his couch enjoying the natural light and reflecting upon everything.
Different feelings came up – first all of the inherent weird “shame” that comes after I’ve been sexual with a man. Due to my typical patriarchal upbringing I still hold shards of the beliefs that “you lose your value after sleeping with a man” and “he’ll start seeing you differently – with less value as he’s already gotten what he wants out of you”.
Being Fire Girl, I asked him straight up if he saw me any differently – less interesting or desirable – because we had had sex and he said no.
I then sat with this – allowing myself to believe and to release any remaining strings regarding my being, my sexuality and my worth. Afterwards, I had feelings of gratitude for the experience, this new person and his new (to me) space. His house is so sunny, simple, safe and reminded me a bit of my home – but in a different timeline.
Finally, Skater Boy woke up and being the artist he is, showed me his drawing pad and some projects he’d been working on. I was impressed. Something about meeting a fellow artist as a creative yourself – that shit is attractive. Especially his dedication to his art as well as the self-belief it takes to venture out and be a freelancer. I made sure to tell him I was proud of his achievements – easily embodying my feminine energy that can replenish and build the masculine soul.
Afterwards, he walked me to the bus stop and happily agreed to take some pictures of me on the way – another win.
I hold such fond and intimate memories from the morning after, and felt happy to keep connecting with him and be able to heal some of my own inner wounds in the process.
Until next time, let’s see where the adventures of Skater Boy and Fire Girl go.
