Written by Miracle Okah
A few months ago, I came across a tweet asking why it seems like the marriages of our parents and older generations lasted longer than today’s. To be honest, it’s a valid observation.
According to Business Insider Africa, there has been a noticeable wave of divorces recently. Premium Times also mentioned that, based on a study by Divorce.com, Nigeria ranked 11th out of 26 countries with the highest divorce rate. Was it surprising that women in sub-Saharan Africa, especially Nigeria, initiate the divorce more than men? Not really.
So, why is divorce becoming more common? Why does it seem like this generation prefers to leave unhappy marriages? Well, it is because women are now rejecting what was once seen as their only reality. They are waking up and refusing to endure years of oppression and the belief that “Your husband’s house is your final destination, and you must endure whatever comes your way.”
While this is a very common saying across Nigeria and many other African countries, it didn’t just emerge from nowhere. There has always been a cultural expectation that once a woman marries, her Identity, well-being and life decisions must revolve around her husband and his household.
This sentiment has been formed over decades, if not centuries, by traditions, religious interpretation, and pressure from society to value women as wives and mothers. In many communities, especially among the older generation, a woman leaving her marriage, no matter what, is considered shameful. And although this notion is more common in rural areas, women from other places are also influenced despite their class or education. It is an inherited mindset that many women today are finally beginning to question. They are tired of putting up with partners who don’t care enough to build the same union they promised to commit to.
In most African homes, endurance, rather than love and mutual respect, has long been the foundation of marriage. Issues such as infidelity, lack of trust, domestic violence, substance abuse, emotional neglect, etc., have always been present. But for too long, women were told and made to believe they were the “strong pillars” who had to hold the family together no matter what, even if it meant enduring financial, emotional and physical abuse.
To understand this better, I spoke with a few women to hear their thoughts and personal experiences. Their insights reveal how endurance has often been mistaken for love and why more women today are rejecting it.
Mrs A*, a 30-year-old nurse and newlywed living in northern Nigeria, affirmed that it was not love that made marriages last in the past. She argues that it was the fear of what society would say that made them stay.
Eunice, an Ibadan-based social media manager in her twenties, agreed but pointed out a different reason: “Most women stay because of their children. African society places a premium on the concept of having a family with children so most women won’t accept anything that threatens this.”
She believes that even though things are changing, it is still very obvious that we have a long way to go.
“Judging from what I am seeing online, the progress we are making is small compared to the larger picture. Yes, we are more enlightened. We know what to do and how to do it but in the African context it feels like we are hustling backwards because the bedrock of our culture is hindering progress.”
Precious, a brand strategist and writer, also confirmed this – “I can boldly tell you that most married women in my life, including older women, are just enduring marriages and taking it as it comes. It doesn’t pay them. Hence, they fail to remarry after the death of their husbands to avoid going down that route again.”
She added, “Most of these marriages in the past survived on concerns about ‘what people would say’, ‘what will become of me as a woman in a patriarchal, misogynistic society if I leave my matrimonial home?’ and ‘what of my children?’ It was rarely about love.”
Culture and religion are major reasons why women are conditioned to believe that it’s wrong to seek freedom when a union no longer serves them. They are told to think of their children, who supposedly suffer in divorced homes, and to submit to their husbands no matter what. Women are taught to be good wives, to let their husbands lead, to pray and not destroy what they have built for years — forgetting that it takes two to tango. This belief system has left a lot of women feeling trapped.
In all this, let’s not forget how economic dependency has also played a role. Sometimes, staying in a marriage is about survival, especially in societies that limit women’s financial freedom. Some women stay because their very survival and that of their children often depend on it.
Thanks to social media and podcasts, religious men are now airing their dirty laundry in public, often hiding behind the excuse of “the holy spirit” to justify their behaviour. I mean, didn’t Pastor Eneche say that if he’d relied on sight alone, he wouldn’t have married his wife? Pastor Daniel Oyewande also openly admitted he felt disconnected from his wife and was no longer attracted to her, which made him angry and harsh towards her. Now, instead of addressing his behaviour, he went to report to her mentor, who then apologised on her behalf. Yes, you read that correctly. This same man once made her travel to Ibadan for a ministry event on Sunday, even though she had exams the next day.
Stories like these have opened our eyes to what many women endure in supposedly “happy religious families”. But today, women no longer want the kind of marriage that demands endurance from them; they no longer want to be praised for holding on to a marriage that strips them of their identity and who they are; they no longer want a marriage that is held together by their tears and suffering.
Mrs A* also shares the same sentiment: “I think we women are now getting bold; we don’t care about what society says anymore. I like that the stigma is breaking, even if it is still there. Women are now becoming nonchalant, and I think people are starting to understand there are valid reasons for leaving a marriage.”
Precious thanks God for the audacity and tenacity of young women. “I love how women no longer let excuses hold them back from leaving bad unions and finding themselves.”
When I asked if they would consider divorce, Precious said, “To divorce, there has to be a marriage, and honestly, marriage doesn’t excite me one bit. I have seen women lose their personality, enthusiasm about life, and autonomy in marriage. And that scares me a lot. There is no one’s marriage that serves as an inspiration to me. However, if my stance changes in the future, and I decide to try ‘bliss’, I will definitely file for a divorce if it does not work.
Mrs A*, who grew up watching her grandmother walk away from different failed marriages, said she would file for a divorce if she stopped feeling loved, fell out of love, caught her husband cheating, was abused, or experienced spousal sabotage.
“I would leave and never look back. My grandmother is one of my biggest OGs; she remarried three times and I do not hesitate to remind my partner of that.”
What I admire about this new generation of African women is that they are no longer content with the old rules. They are rewriting what love and partnership mean, making their self-worth an important part of their lives that they are refusing to give up. On social media and in conversations across communities, they are calling out the idea that most marriages are about a woman’s suffering and a man’s comfort. They are choosing partners who see them as equals, not as burdens to be managed or problems to be fixed.
When a new generation starts to reject endurance as an inherited virtue, the entire perception of what marriage should look like begins to shift.
This movement is not just about leaving bad marriages; it is about healing from the generational trauma that endurance has caused.
It is so inspiring to see young African women show us that a marriage built on respect, care and loyalty is quite possible and that anything less is not worth the cost. They are showing us that choosing themselves does not mean they have failed; if anything, it means they are finally free.
About the Author
Miracle Okah is the first daughter of two teachers. She initially dreamed of becoming a doctor but ultimately found her true calling in writing, where she discovered the power of words over stethoscopes. Passionate about African literature and amplifying the voices of Black women, her work has been featured in Amaka Studio, Black Ballad, Better to Speak, Black Girl X, and beyond. She is on the writing track for the 2025 Adventures Creators Programme.
