Written by Precious Obiabunmo
I had just finished having sex with my partner when I came across a Facebook post of a woman sharing her experience with sex toys. The comments section overflowed with images and testimonials of the different toys women used. It wasn’t my first time seeing posts like these, but this time I stopped to reflect on the sex I’d just had and had been having. As a young woman in my mid-twenties practising safe sex, I’ve had my fair share of good sex and bad sex. My most recent partner is the most attentive I’ve had, and sex with him has been comfortable and genuinely good. If there’s anything missing, it’s that I have never orgasmed. I try not to think of it as a big deal. After all, there are different types of pleasure I’ve experienced but the testimonials in that comment section made me reconsider.
Then I came across an image of a man using a rose-thrusting dildo on a woman, and the jolt of pleasure I felt just from looking at it confirmed something: I needed to try that. I turned to my partner and said, “What do you think about us trying sex toys?” He looked confused at first, then a wide grin spread across his face. “You’d be into that? I wanted to suggest it but didn’t know how to bring it up. I was glad we were in agreement. “We’ll try it for our next mekwe,” I said. He laughed out loud.
That conversation is more common than many people think. Studies have consistently found that the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women is significant. Many women report that they rarely, if ever, climax during penetrative sex. This is partly because female pleasure often requires more targeted stimulation than penetration alone provides and partly because too many women haven’t yet had the space to learn what their bodies need or the confidence to ask for it.
Sex toys, it turns out, are one of the most practical answers to that gap. A 2023 peer-reviewed study published on ResearchGate found that women who used sex toys during partnered sex reported higher orgasmic intensity, greater arousal, and increased sexual satisfaction. The research affirms what many women have already figured out on their own.
Elizabeth Adewale, a public health professional and sex educator, explains why: “Sex toys can play an important role in bridging the orgasm gap because they make it easier for many women to get the kind of stimulation they need to orgasm. We know that most women do not orgasm consistently from penetration alone. Many require direct or indirect clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Sex toys can provide that stimulation in a way that is often more consistent, intense, and reliable than manual stimulation alone. Ultimately, sex toys are tools. They don’t create intimacy or connection, but they can help many women experience pleasure and orgasm more consistently.”
For some women, the journey to bringing toys into partnered sex started solo. Bolu, who is in her late twenties, began using toys on her own out of curiosity before introducing them to a partner. “I enjoyed sex without sex toys. But I was curious and I wanted to expand my sexual awareness and ability. Then, I asked a partner about it and he was excited to use it with me. And ever since then, it’s been a criterion for me when choosing lovers.”
Abby echoed the same. “I introduced sex toys because I wanted to have that experience with him. The experience of him sharing one more thing I enjoy was a huge inspiration too.”
For others, it was their male partners who first raised the idea. Kistune, a journalist in her early twenties, had been finding sex frustrating. Her partner wasn’t into oral sex, and things had grown predictable. Then one day, he suddenly asked what she thought about the rose. “I said it’s a good idea because I’ve always heard about vibrators, dildos, and the rose, particularly how much of a good girl the rose is, so I said no problem. The next time we met, he already had it. It was so, so nice. I probably wouldn’t have suggested it if it were left to me.”
Ann, a communications professional in her late twenties, had a similar experience. “It was actually men who introduced me to toys. Even though I knew women used them, if F hadn’t placed a vibrator wand on me and I nearly passed out from the pleasure, I may not have bought mine. V also introduced me to toys before F. They both made me comfortable using them and when they fucked up, I left and started using toys on my own. I also flee from men who have discomfort with toys.”
That last line points to something real. For women like Ann and Bolu, a partner’s openness to sex toys has become a relationship criterion, a signal of whether someone is genuinely invested in their pleasure. But this kind of openness isn’t universal. Misconceptions about sex toys remain common on both sides.
Uke Odah, who runs sex toy business LuxbidoMystique, has seen this up close. “Since I started my business, very few men have bought toys for their partners. It is rather the other way round. Yet, both men and women still believe sex toys reduce the pleasure that comes with being with your partner. Another myth for ladies is that they will not find men attractive again.”
Adewale pushes back on these claims directly. “While it’s true that our bodies can become accustomed to a particular type of stimulation, that doesn’t mean someone is addicted or incapable of enjoying other forms of pleasure. I also hear people say that toys damage nerve endings or permanently reduce sensitivity. Again, that’s not true. Some people may experience temporary numbness immediately after using a powerful vibrator, but the issue usually resolves quickly. It doesn’t mean the body has been damaged. Ultimately, sex toys are just tools. I like to compare them to a calculator. Using a calculator doesn’t mean you can’t do maths. It just helps you get to the answer more easily. In the same way, sex toys can help people experience pleasure, but they don’t replace intimacy, connection, or a partner.”
For men willing to set their hesitations aside, the rewards can be unexpected. Bolu has noticed this firsthand. “When I try using the toys on the guys, the reaction is always very crazy. Recently, I used my wand on a guy and I’m not going to lie, I saw his soul come out of his body. I was giving him head, and I took the wand and placed it in between the space between the ass and the balls, that soft skin. I just placed it there, and I kept stroking his face, and I put the balls in my mouth, and it was amazing. The way they react, it’s awesome. It makes the whole experience more fun, because it shows that the person is willing to explore. In my opinion, a partner that is very against sex toys is not someone that is going to be exploring or would really take your feelings or your experience into consideration.”
What toys can do, when introduced thoughtfully, is open something up — in the body and between partners. My own first experience confirmed this. Honestly, I didn’t know sex could feel that sweet. And finally, I got an orgasm!
Kistune got one too, though her first attempt was more overwhelming than pleasurable. Her partner had skipped foreplay entirely and gone straight for the toy. After a conversation, they changed their approach. “We spoke about it. I told him how everything made me feel. I didn’t really enjoy just using the toy right from the beginning and then going straight into sex. The next time we met, we started off with the usual smooches and everything, and then we made use of the rose again. This time, the feeling was so strong and wonderful that I almost squirted and the only reason I didn’t was because I was trying to control myself.”
That conversation — honest, specific, and low-stakes — is precisely what Adewale recommends for couples considering toys for the first time. “Start with a conversation first. Many couples feel awkward because they assume bringing up sex toys means admitting that something is missing. Instead, approach the conversation from a place of curiosity and exploration. You can say, ‘I came across this and thought it could be fun for us to try together,’ rather than, ‘You aren’t satisfying me.’ Choose the toys together. Start simple. You don’t need the most advanced toy on the market. A beginner-friendly vibrator or couples’ toy can be a great starting point. Most importantly, remember that introducing a toy is not a test of anyone’s performance. It’s simply another way to explore pleasure together. The goal is shared enjoyment, communication, and discovering what works for both partners.”
For first-time buyers, Odah keeps her recommendation straightforward: “I’ll recommend that they should be open about sharing how they want themselves to be explored. For first-timers, I usually recommend the single rose; it is very easy to use. Then for men, they can go with the masturbating egg. It is another simple toy to use.”
For too long, female pleasure and orgasm have been treated as a bonus. This occurs only if there is time, if the stars align, and if a partner is generous. Sex toys disrupt that passivity. They are, at their most basic, a refusal to leave your pleasure or your partner’s to chance.
