Written by Precious Nwosu
“Mommy is in the kitchen cooking food. Daddy in the parlour, watching film…”
Like many children’s songs, Nigerian children could sing this with wide grins without realising the full picture it painted. Mummy was in the kitchen, cooking and taking care of the home, while Daddy was in the parlour, watching television. Beneath the simplicity of the song was a familiar picture of family life: the woman takes care of the home, while the man is understood as the provider who sits in the sitting room.
Except real Nigerian homes have rarely been that simple. Mummy has always worked too. She has gone to the office, run businesses, traded in markets, taught in schools, farmed, nursed and done whatever work was available to keep the family going.
She has provided too, even when Daddy brought home more money.
But what if Mummy no longer wants to be the one cooking? What if she can pay someone to cook? What if she can pay her own rent, take care of her parents, buy her own food and build a life that does not depend on a man’s income?
If women don’t need a partner financially, what makes a relationship worth staying in?
For generations, financial provision has been closely tied to the role of a man in a heterosexual relationship. But when a woman can provide those things for herself, does the basis on which she chooses a partner change? And perhaps the question becomes even more intimate in the bedroom.
What happens when the man who is no longer necessary for her financial survival is also giving her terrible sex?
“?I have stayed with a partner for what the relationship provided financially despite being unhappy with the sex and it was the most self-deprecating thing I’ve ever done so far. I don’t recommend it.” Joke tells me regretfully.
For Ola, that has never been up for discussion. “My last sexual relationship ended because I wasn’t enjoying sex as much as I used to. I like sexual satisfaction too much to stay in a relationship with terrible sex. If my body doesn’t get excited when I see you, I leave.”
For a woman who depends on her partner financially, leaving an unhappy relationship and an unsatisfying sex life can involve more than heartbreak. Research from Nigeria and other parts of Sub-Saharan Africa shows that when your feeding, housing, healthcare, or general well-being is reliant on a man, the decision to leave becomes complicated. Similarly, global research links women’s economic autonomy with greater ability to make decisions about their relationships.
But what happens when she can provide those things herself?
Now being financially independent, Joke refuses to compromise on her needs and wants for a relationship. “Being financially independent has made me more critical about the type of men I allow into my life, and it has made it easier for me to let go of men who are not treating me the way I want to be treated. I no longer have to compromise on the basic qualities I desire in a man.”
For Melanin, being financially independent improved her standards for relationships. “I can never stay in a relationship where I am not sexually satisfied despite the money. Never been in one like that. Financial independence has made my standards way higher.”
And what happens when a man is kind, successful or financially generous, but sexually incompetent?
“I think I would consider leaving. I can still stay if they decide to work on it and make the sex better. Sex is really important for me in a relationship. I said I would consider it because sex can be unsatisfying for so many reasons. If it is something we can work on, then good.” Melanin staunchly declares.
Joke disagrees, “?At this point in my life, no. I currently think sex is overrated. I hope I eventually have a good sexual experience that’d change my stance, though.”
But sex is not the only thing these women want from a relationship.
Joke declares, “Lots of romantic gestures, emotional intelligence and genuine interest in me and things that matter to me.”
Melanin tells me, “Good sex, a financially stable partner, and a progressive man – I would rather stay and die single than date a misogynistic man. ?Maybe companionship? I’ve not gotten to a stage where I feel I need a partner, sha. I don’t really think about the love aspect of my life like that. But it would be nice to have someone you can always rant to and have an emotional connection with.”
Ola reemphasises “Clarity. In my past romantic relationship, I stayed with someone for two years without asking for clarity because I was scared the answer I wanted wouldn’t be one I would get. At this age I am at, I would definitely ask for clarity. Your words need to match your actions too. If I enjoy spending time with you and find you attractive, then a relationship is worth staying in.”
Perhaps financial independence does not mean that a woman stops needing or wanting anything from a relationship. It simply gives her more room to decide what those things should be.
She can still want a man who provides. She can want good sex, companionship, emotional safety, romance, clarity, stability, or someone who makes her laugh after a terrible day. But there is a difference between wanting these things and needing them to survive.
And that is the beauty of it all.
