Abstinence in a sex obsessed world?

A post on abstinence on a blog that seeks to provide a space for African women to share tips, experiences and more… Well, why not? When I read the request to write a post on abstinence I had to laugh. I laughed because I haven’t ever made a conscious decision to practice abstinence and frankly I do not want to be celibate. I have had conversations with one of my friends on the subject of abstinence several times but I don’t really feel like celibacy is for me.

I suspect that there are a variety of reasons why people practice abstinence. One of my girlfriends is celibate at the moment because her last relationship ended a few months ago. In a conversation with another girl a couple of months ago she mentioned to me that she has been celibate since her last relationship broke up – her reason was to develop a closer spiritual relationship with God so it was out with everything sexual – no kissing, vibrators, nothing.

According to my dear friend Abena (and fellow collaborator on this blog) the only thing worse than no sex is bad sex…

I am very curious about abstinence though and because I do not have a great deal of knowledge or insight on the subject I am going to pose a series of questions aimed at people who practice celibacy or abstain from sex. I hope you can provide some answers to so we can learn more together:

  • What do you do when you feel horny?
  • How long have you been celibate for?
  • How do you experience your sexuality?
  • Have you had sex before?
  • What are you looking forward to the most when you next have sex?
  • Do you know anyone who is celibate?
  • Is it better to abstain from sex than to have bad sex?Nana Darkoa

11 comments On Abstinence in a sex obsessed world?

  • I don’t have sex unless I am in a serious ‘committed’ relationship. and since I’m so picky about who I date, sometimes I’m celibate for years. Last count before I met my ex was five years without sex.

    Though I definitely enjoy sex when I have it, and am very aggressive when making love, I have never been able to have one night stands. I need a strong mental connection and need to feel emotionally safe before I can engage.

    If I get horny, I use my imagination…, but for whatever reason my Catholic upbringing leaves me unable to masturbate. 🙂

    Or if I’m in my celibate phase, every couple of months, I may watch something erotic for five to ten minutes, just to “get the monkey off my back” – something made by women for women. I’ve never been able to watch regular porn because for one, I always think about whether or not the woman is a sex slave or is being forced to do it, and two, most of it is demeaning to women. Also, I get sick watching women being called sluts and whores and whatnot. Why does porn have to be so demeaning to women?

    But the other thing is that porn does not satisfy me. I get tired after ten minutes. But the truth is that if I am horny and without a boyfriend, I will watch something for a short while usually every six months or so when it really gets bad!

    What am I looking forward to next when I have sex?

    – Multiple orgasms!

    – Sex with a wonderful, loving, and giving man who actually is interested in MY pleasure as I am in his, and wants to spend the time to give me great orgasms.

    And definitely, to answer your last question, it is better to abstain than to have bad sex. The memory of bad sex – especially after you’ve broken up with the guy – can really make you angry.

    Sorry for hijacking your blog!

  • Ahhh thank you. Nana.
    Well lets see abstinance/ celibacy means you need to have been sexually active and then to be refraining from all such activities.

    I was abstinant for a year and then later on for 9 months.

    The year was just after I became sexually active in College. At the time I really wanted to meet someone special and not expend energy on guys that I wasn;t really into. It worked out well and was a very productive period for me.

    The 9 month period was due to a seperation from my then boyfriend. I was in another country and so I abstained. That is until I saw him again.

    Like fasting from food, detoxing, purging, silence, alone time, I think celibacy and abstinance should be a healthy part of ones life.
    It is really and truly refreshing to be able to live totally above the animal desires and it I believe it makes you more selective when you decide to break it.

  • Since I share a bedroom with an African woman, may I be permitted to comment on abstinence?

    My wife (then my girlfriend) and I decided to go the way of abstinence till we got married. We abstained (with much difficulty) for five years till we married. We’ve been married for four years.

    I think the best thing abstinence does for a young couple, is it builds trust. I am photographer. I spend a lot of time with pretty young models and quite a number of them can be adventurous if you allow them. I have never ever cheated with one. I think the practice has made it easier.

    I am not saying practicing abstinence means one can never cheat. That’s too simplistic a thought. John Milton says “every whore was once a virgin”. That’s true for relationships that started on such strong grounds as abstinence too. Some just lose it when they discover how pleasant sex can be.

    The only point I’m making is, once you successfully practice abstinence, it is never too difficult to do it again when the occasion calls for it.

  • Personally abstinence was shoved down my throat for a long time, until I got out of Ghana. In a new environment, I began to take stock of the things I believed, and I realized that I do believe in abstinence – for both practical and religious reasons. As for sex, since I have never tried it before, only curiosity exists, no desire (i can’t desire anything i’ve not tried)……. who knows what will happen. tho?

  • I’ve been celibate for many, many years but not all my life. I have two reasons: 1) At some point, I decided to wait until marriage (or close to it), and 2) I haven’t dated anyone seriously in years. Shoot, I barely dated casually. lol

    That being said, I’m more of a romantic fantasizer than a lustful one (if you get what I mean?). Outside of a relationship, I don’t think about sex too deeply. I daydream more about affection, intimacy, and happiness in a relationship than anything else.

    I have a couple of friends who have decided to wait until marriage and some who have maintained celibacy (not all by choice, though lol).

    What do I look forward to? Aside from the actual act? LOL! I think about the progress/comfort in the relationship… for it to get to that point (sex). I look forward to that.

    BTW, I am SO not a hopeless romantic. lol I just feel this way about this particular topic.

    Bad sex or abstinence? Abstinence will always win if those are the choices.

  • ah this one!
    it’s easy!

    we all abstain don’t forget! it’s a natural thing!

    it’s just what you have before sex, in-between sex and after sex! that makes a count of 3 rounds @ the most conservative!

    quite simple see???

    and my expectations too a just simple: to make her come and come and come and come… no i mean cum till she can come no more! then i’d as for my turn to break the abstinence!


  • Bijou – I enjoy the comments so do not even think that you are in anyway hijacking the blog…I agree with your comments about porn and have written about porn in a previous post.

    Brown Angel – Celibacy and abstinence as a regular part of one’s life? Interesting thought…I am personally not good at depriving myself of things I enjoy (I’m thinking of chocolate cake of course:) but I’m sure that will work for some people

    Anon 1- Aawww, how romantic. Seriously. Ahem…are you trying to blame the models for any entanglements that may occur with photographers?

    Anon 2 – No desire at all? Seriously? I’m trying to think back to when I was a virgin…I think I had a lot of desires but for various reasons did not act on it. I think it’s nice though that you have been able to decide for yourself (without the societal pressure) that abstinence is for you

    Lovelylind – Thanks for sharing. Mmmm,the romance factor is a big plus for me too…

    Novisi – Lol!

  • just thought i’d share this link to an instructional video (not porn) on sex positions (ironic, since this is in response to a post on abstinence…lol).

    it’s about an hour long and just ignore the porn-ish ads and pop-ups, the video itself might prove useful 🙂


  • Thanks for sharing Shane. I shall try and check it out – that’s if I can deal with the slooooowwww internet connection in GH

  • be like people are pulling a Bill Clinton. abstinence needs to be defined. for some, oral sex is okay but vaginal/anal is not. people might be hiding behind definitions to claim celibacy…

  • @ Nana Darkoa –
    like I said, I am intensely curious – yes, i watch movies and you see people having sex (what movie doesn’t have that nowadays), but it is still pretty hard for me to imagine what goes on, since i have never been in the position….so I am really curious, but i don’t like NEED to have sex…..But I am NOT asexual either…..I am really curious. and one day I’ll find out! (hopefully, it doesn’t come before i get married, because once i pop, i don’t inted to stop, lol)

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