Sex and the Movies

Not everything in the movies is meant to be tried or copied in real life. If Tom Cruise threw himself off a 50 foot cliff into a swirling ocean below, I wouldn’t try it. If Angelina Jolie slid across a field of ice on her knees in a pair of booty shorts, I wouldn’t try it (mainly because I’m too big to fit into a pair of booty shorts). If Batman threw ninja darts at Joker’s henchmen as the fired live rounds at him, I definitely wouldn’t try it! These scenarios in real life would ultimately end in disaster. Why then, would I or anyone else, think it would be a good idea to copy an erotic scene from a movie and think that things would go any different?

Don’t pretend you haven’t done it yourself.

There you are, in bed with your boo, and itching to try something new, you both hop in the shower together under the assumption that you’re going to have some of the best sex you’ve had in a while. In your mind it all looks very sensual and astounding. The water will drip seductively from your body as you moan in pleasure as he hoists your glistening skin against the tile/porcelain shower walls. What happens in reality is quite different, however. First of all, you find that the shower is too small to accommodate the pair of you. As you clumsily try to create enough space for the two of you, one (or both) or you will invariably slip. Once you manage to gain your footing, you lean against the wall and wait for the magic to happen. That is when you discover that you’ll need to be a little higher up OR you’ll need to raise your leg and spread the other to allow entry. Both require an extreme amount of skill and muscle strength – you posses neither. After going on like this for 3 or more minutes, you realize that you are wasting time and water. You finally give up and bend over, commanding your man to “just hit it from the back!”. Again, because YOU are an African woman, you’ve got a huge booty and wide hips. The tub width of the tub will not allow you to maneuver your lower extremities properly. Eventually, you both give up and opt to do it on the floor/bed.

Or what about the time you thought it would be a good idea to poor hot wax on your man like Madonna did in one of her films/videos. Instead of drawing a sharp breath of surprise as you expect, your man screams out in pain! You will unfortunately spend the rest of the week begging his forgiveness and nursing his burned raw skin.

In another scenario, your man wants to try something he saw on some freaky online show. After going through the ‘traditional’ moves, he pulls out quickly and cums in your hair. Now why in the hell would he do that??? Instead of being turned on, you find yourself pissed because you just spent 4 hours and loads of money in the salon earlier that day. You are then faced with two choices: Wash your hair yourself, or make an appointment the next morning and do your best to explain what that silvery substance that is clogging your scalp is to the hair dressers.

Oh, and then there’s my personal favorite: Sex on the beach. I myself am guilty of this one. My boyfriend took me to the beach after our prom and attempted to re-enact a scene from a Bond movie. We had no blanket and were still clothed in a tux and a prom dress. By the end of the 12 minute ordeal, his knees were rubbed raw from the sand, my French twist was askew and there was sand in all the cracks and crevices of my body. 2 days later I was still discovering it every time I showered. Hei! Please don’t try and act like I’m the only one.

I could go on and on, but what is my point? What is all this to say? Keep the sex scenes where they belong: In the movies!

Or am I wrong?

12 comments On Sex and the Movies

  • your post is hilarious!I suppose its because I can relate to it.hehe! The shower idea!! complete waste of time, water and energy!

  • Abena, hilarious post! You didn’t talk about one genre of movies: porn! I know a ton of guys and gals try to pick up positions to try out from porn. The results are usually painful! Tried out one or two myself and made the decision to stop watching that stuff. You’d think they CGed most of the scenes.

  • They are all LIARS, these film makers! It doesn’t matter if it’s a romantic comedy, a hard core porn, a chick flick…liars! And then they have poor chaps like you and me try to ‘gei skills’ like we’re also porn stars. Anthony, I agree with you. the scenes HAVE to be CG animated.

    Lucy…oh, Lucy! I can only laugh.

  • This is why missionary (with a couple of modifications & accessories) is still my fav!

    On a more serious not, this unrealistic expectation of sex is one of the biggest downsides of porn. I hate that a lot of men want to ‘cum’ on a woman. Eugh!

  • this post is soo on point! there will certainly be no running of hands through MY hair in any passionate sudsy embraces… not with my scarf + trusty polyurethane shower cap firmly in place!

  • Gurl your article is more than ‘on point!’Totally loved and found it soo true and most especially to know that I aint the only gurl who can’t perfect the near perfection and seemingly effortless sex skills of the movies I watch and story books I read!They definitely make me feel inadequate and boring but hey now I know better.I remember when my beau and I took a vacation to Dubai and wanted to try the bathroom skills!It was unbelievably difficult &embarrasing and the annoying part is I burnt myself with hot water all in the name of being exciting &adventurous(it casts a pall over my vac)Looking back &reading ur article made me laugh real hard!And as for the beach…the least said.How romantic can one get on Ghana beaches?Ur musing is as good as mine!The unrealistic stress we put ourselves in just to please ourselves??All hail good,tried,tested and proven to produce result missionary!!lol

  • At the risk of sounding duller than molasses, I will remind ND and Abena that I often inveigh on these pages against pyrotechnics of any kind, preferring the simple mantra of communication, relaxation and patience. As anyone can see, none of this is happening in any of these sex scenes people seem so eager to copy. The extreme exertion required to hold a pose means that no conversation is being held. Other than, perhaps, an internal monologue damning all cineastes. Forget about relaxation, you need to know that in movies the director yells “Cut” every five seconds and actors get to regain their equanimity. Patience? I challenge you to be patient when all you want to do is for the dick/bitch to come so you can get out of the jacuzzi because a) it really doesn’t fit the natural contours of your body, and b) it’s too freaking hard to maintain the right water temperature… In fact, your loved one’s skin is now puckering up into an unlovely shade of grape with the texture of a rubberized orange peel. Remember this and throw out the lingerie, maintain the shower as a place for showering and retain the right to yell “cut”.

  • OMG you ladies are way too excited about this post. Yea I love this post too especially the “just hit it from the back” part. Hello! :-p

    I agree with you on this one Abena that the movies lie to us.
    BUT only a little.
    Movies and books are a resource for monotony-breaking styles/ positions.
    I say, when you try one and it doesn’t work as expected, move right along and try another. You’ll find one that works like magic.

  • Oh Mike. I couldn’t disagree with you more. A “little lie” is like a”little poison” in my soup. They will both injure (or possibly kill me!) in the end. 🙂

  • after working on a high budget movie, i do not allow these things to bother me. Lighting,props,the angle of the camera, costume and fantastic directing all make up a sex scene. at times, the actress has to work out for weeks just to portray a firm body in the scene. all the head turning and emotion is directed even though part of it is left at the discretion of the actor and actress.if u have the opportunity to work on a good movie, i say go for it. u would learn a lot more than u think.

  • hi, Nana. i have started contributing..doing my best not to let u down..

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