This is a message I received recently from Ms E:
“…Nana…I have a problem and i really need your help. I have been going out with my boyfriend for the past three years and we haven’t had “penetrative” sex all this while. Before we started this relationship i told him that i was a virgin but the truth is that three years before i met him i had sex with another boy and just last year i had another with a different boy. He still thinks am a virgin and he keeps worrying me that he wants to do it. I also want him to have me but i am scared he will leave when he gets in finds out someone else has been in. What do i do now? Arent there drugs or activities that i can do to keep me really tight?”
Hi Ms E,
My main concern is that you felt the need to lie to your boyfriend. Why did you feel the need to pretend to be a virgin? Did you think he would like or love you any less if you were not a virgin? Is your boyfriend a virgin? I suspect not, but I bet it doesn’t change how you feel about him, does it? I’m aware that our society has double standards around sexuality, and that the penalty for women who step outside societal norms can be harsh. This harshness can be experienced in a number of ways, and in your particular situation could be your boyfriend rejecting you when he finds out that you’re not a virgin.
As a general rule I hate to tell people what to do, so let me offer you a couple of alternatives. You could do any one of the following, or indeed none:
* Tell your boyfriend that you lied to him about being a virgin because you feared that he would judge you for your sexual past. (skip the bit about the other men you have been with in the course of your relationship) The advantage with saying this is that if he starts to judge you, then you can say, “this is exactly what I was scared of” 🙂 which I suspect is the truth anyway.
* You could choose to say nothing at all and consummate your relationship with your boyfriend if that is your desire. How would he know that you’re not a virgin? As long as you don’t start acting like an actress in a porn movie he should be none the wiser. Not all virgins are difficult to ‘penetrate’, and really no one should be difficult to penetrate. You can tell him you want to use lots of lube (this could be a tip you picked up from reading up about sex) so the question about ‘tightness’ shouldn’t come up.
* Tell your boyfriend you lied to him. If the sh*t hits the fan, end the relationship to leave you free to start a relationship with someone who won’t judge you for your past.
Let me know how it goes.
P.S: You can do kegel exercises to strengthen your vaginal muscles. Squeeze and release the muscles in your vagina, you can even kegel during sex but that will be a dead giveaway that you’re not as inexperienced as they come 🙂 You can exercise your vaginal muscles whilst peeing as well, just hold your urine mid flow and release after a couple of seconds.