This is a message I received recently from Ms E:
“…Nana…I have a problem and i really need your help. I have been going out with my boyfriend for the past three years and we haven’t had “penetrative” sex all this while. Before we started this relationship i told him that i was a virgin but the truth is that three years before i met him i had sex with another boy and just last year i had another with a different boy. He still thinks am a virgin and he keeps worrying me that he wants to do it. I also want him to have me but i am scared he will leave when he gets in finds out someone else has been in. What do i do now? Arent there drugs or activities that i can do to keep me really tight?”
Hi Ms E,
My main concern is that you felt the need to lie to your boyfriend. Why did you feel the need to pretend to be a virgin? Did you think he would like or love you any less if you were not a virgin? Is your boyfriend a virgin? I suspect not, but I bet it doesn’t change how you feel about him, does it? I’m aware that our society has double standards around sexuality, and that the penalty for women who step outside societal norms can be harsh. This harshness can be experienced in a number of ways, and in your particular situation could be your boyfriend rejecting you when he finds out that you’re not a virgin.
As a general rule I hate to tell people what to do, so let me offer you a couple of alternatives. You could do any one of the following, or indeed none:
* Tell your boyfriend that you lied to him about being a virgin because you feared that he would judge you for your sexual past. (skip the bit about the other men you have been with in the course of your relationship) The advantage with saying this is that if he starts to judge you, then you can say, “this is exactly what I was scared of” 🙂 which I suspect is the truth anyway.
* You could choose to say nothing at all and consummate your relationship with your boyfriend if that is your desire. How would he know that you’re not a virgin? As long as you don’t start acting like an actress in a porn movie he should be none the wiser. Not all virgins are difficult to ‘penetrate’, and really no one should be difficult to penetrate. You can tell him you want to use lots of lube (this could be a tip you picked up from reading up about sex) so the question about ‘tightness’ shouldn’t come up.
* Tell your boyfriend you lied to him. If the sh*t hits the fan, end the relationship to leave you free to start a relationship with someone who won’t judge you for your past.
Let me know how it goes.
P.S: You can do kegel exercises to strengthen your vaginal muscles. Squeeze and release the muscles in your vagina, you can even kegel during sex but that will be a dead giveaway that you’re not as inexperienced as they come 🙂 You can exercise your vaginal muscles whilst peeing as well, just hold your urine mid flow and release after a couple of seconds.
17 comments On My boyfriend thinks I am a virgin…
For heaven’s sake, not only did she lie about being a virgin but she also cheated on the guy who i assume has been patiently waiting on you? Thats all kinds of messed up. But the past is the past abi, what can you do.
I don’t think she should be as worried about whether or not he will know by her physical state as most men don’t know their left from their right when it comes to a woman’s body anyway lol. The real issue, to me at least, is all this deceit going on here.
But she didn’t ask me so all i can say is all the best to her and him regardless.
@Lady Ngo – I’m sure Ms E would appreciate your feedback even though she didn’t ask you 🙂 That’s the reason why I posted her query. So other people can also share their point of view
Alum should do the trick.
But dont tell Karma I said so when it comes visiting.
@ Mike, Alum? What would that do?
@ Nana Darkoa we should talk ooh noticed ur message about adventures not being a classifieds site let’s talk soon BB pin inbox?
Man bashing if I do say so.
@ Nana: The matter is not whether her boyfriend will love her less for not being what she told him she is but that she chose to – for whatever reason – to represent herself as being something she was not at the time.
I believe if she had said she had ab initio that she prior sexual intercourse experience, it would not have made a difference and this dilemma would not exist.
– Just because you disagree with Lady Ngo, this is the impression I get from your response to comment, does not mean her view is less valid that yours. Since you shared Ms E’s query “so other people can also share their point of view” then Lady Ngo’s fine as is. That quip about not asking her is unnecessary.
Making stupid errors is pet peeve – sorry.
— I believe if she had said ab initio that she had prior sexual intercourse experience —
— … i get from your response to her HER comment, does not mean her view is less valid THAN yours —
No hymen? No problem !!
Blame it on the tampon. I’ve been given that reason by at least 3 ‘virgins’ and I always buy it!
Jesus Christ.. What a bad woman. No wonder we have such a bad reputation around the world for not being faithful.
@Nkosazana – Is your comment ironic? Otherwise, I think its incredibly simplistic to label someone a ‘bad’ woman for pretending to be a virgin when she is not. Why would any woman feel the need to pretend to be a virgin when she is not? Is it because she would be labelled as ‘bad’. Human beings are unfaithful. Period.
Nkosazana, your reasoning might be different from mine, but you and I come to roughly the same conclusion. No matter how she feels, or has been made to feel, it’s her actions, in one case, lies actively maintained over an extended period of time, and in another, (mind you, I am for full sexual expression between consenting adults and don’t think fidelity is a very interesting or compelling construct), an act that is linked in some ways to these lies, it’s her actions that one must abhor. Don’t hate the sinner, hate the sin… 🙂
I could care less about the virginity issue, its a non issue. It’s the fact that she cheated on him and feel like she can sleep around behind his back while she make him wait. That makes her a bad and deceiving woman. Yes, human being are unfaithful but we have a reputation and it doesn’t help us when people live up to it.
@Mike – Yes, what’s alum? Enquiring minds want to know 🙂
@Kismet – I’m a tad confused by your comments. Who is man bashing? I think you misunderstood my comment to Lady Ngo..Au contraire I was assuring Lady Ngo that she has every right to comment…
@Apow – Hehehe. You made me laugh. Thank you
@Kofi A and Nkosazana – Its nice that you have a mutual appreciation society 😀
If I may, here’s where I would not go all the way, so to speak, with Nkosazana’s conclusions. I think Ms E is doing a bad thing, I don’t think she’s a bad woman. I don’t believe she is doing this maliciously,she’s trapped in her own web of deception.
Secondly, I think it is wrong to generalize from one person’s behavior in order to condemn a whole people. So I reject the notion that we have a “bad reputation around the world for not being faithful.” If the “we” is us black folks, I think it’s part of the general cloud of racist misapprehensions about what we are truly about.
So, not quite a mutual appreciation society, except for maybe seeing ongoing deception as being a “bad” thing.
@Kofi A – Thanks for the clarification. I appreciate it
@ Akoria & Nana Darkoa
The people I have seen selling alum used to walk thru the residential areas in Accra, selling select herbs. Always just a few herbs in their bag, and they usually had alum too.
A lady could get some of that alum, put a little bit down there and it would shrink it tight! Real-real virgin sef no go compare.
I don’t know how these esteemed medicine men make their alum, but regular potassium alum does shrink human body tissue.
While the cheating you did is sleazy, the truth is that the guy won’t have a clue unless he is very experienced. I lost my virginity 3 times in college. All three guys truly believe they were my first; obviously, only one really was.
hy, guys I really relate of this kind off issue,its the same thing I had now,my boyfriend he expected that I am still a virgin but I pretended that I was, we are in a LDR we almost 1year and 9 months since when I was starting communication each other,but he never meet up before only chat or call our communication we had. behalf of that he had inexperienced having sex intercourse to his girlfriend before,and now my boyfriend he desided to meet in personal I am scared and nervous because this matter how I tell him that I wasn’t does his expected that I was still a virgin ? at age of 23 I lost my virginity because my exboyfried he forced me to do that things until its happend ,but for myself I never gived him my virginity because I am not sure if he is my future husband, .my question how could I tell him ?I never mention on this before . I tell him before we meet in person or I tell him now in what ways ? thanks all.I need ADVISE