Conversations with my buddy on ‘The Politics of Coming First’

Kojo: You’re usually first to cum, aren’t you?

Nana Darkoa: Where is this coming from?

Kojo: Oh oh!

Nana Darkoa::). Why ‘oh oh’? I’m curious about the genesis of the question

Kojo:Eish, the genesis of the question paa!

Nana Darkoa: :).

Kojo: Oh oh because I have stirred the hornets nest.

Nana Darkoa: Which hornet?

Nana Darkoa: You haven’t stirred anything at all o

Nana Darkoa: I’m merely curious what makes you ask?

Kojo: Figuratively speaking.

Kojo: No nothing. I just said you always come first but you don’t really. Sometimes maybe but not always.

Nana Darkoa: :).

Nana Darkoa: I have a whole thought process on the politics of coming first 🙂 and its not what you think :p

Nana Darkoa: But its a long convo which maybe I should blog about and send you the link…or we can bb about this later tonight and I’ll post the blog with you annonymised

Nana Darkoa: The choice is yours

Kojo: Excellent, let’s bb and post the blog.

Kojo: I’m very interested in your thought process on the politics of coming first.

Nana Darkoa: 🙂  Its a date then


Nana Darkoa: Anyway let’s have our coming first convo 🙂

Kojo: Haha, let’s.

Nana Darkoa: So I think the way ‘modern’ men try to guarantee women an orgasm is by making (or trying to make) sure that the woman comes first

Nana Darkoa: Which in an obvious way is a good thing BUT

Kojo: You’re not wrong there.

Nana Darkoa: Is also quite limiting…

Nana Darkoa: Cos the goal of sex becomes ‘let me get her to come, and then get my rocks off’

Kojo: For most men, its the safest bet as sex is mentally over when they come.

Nana Darkoa: Yeah but that shouldn’t be the case

Nana Darkoa: Why should sex end cos a man has cum?

Kojo: Any action after a man ejaculates is considered round two.

Nana Darkoa: Yeah but does there need to be a round 2 for him?

Nana Darkoa: It could be a round 2 or 3 for just her 🙂

Kojo: Again, because to a man, when he’s come, he can’t continue to ‘fuck’ therefore sex is over.

Kojo: To avoid coming across as selfish, he ensures she comes first.

Nana Darkoa: But is sex just fucking? For me its not

Nana Darkoa: The fucking aspect is usually the most boring aspect

Nana Darkoa: If I had to rank sexual activity 🙂

Nana Darkoa: The other aspects are more fun: the mental anticipation, the visual excitement, the physical foreplay which for me is really the main play…

Nana Darkoa: Depending on how I feel about the person the post coital experience

Kojo: She could have as many rounds as she wishes as long as its before he comes.

Kojo: For most guys, sometimes me included, its about the fucking.

Nana Darkoa: I actually want to practice coming after HE has come

Nana Darkoa: Sometimes if you come first as the woman you loose interest (same way he looses interest after cuming), and also get dry…

Kojo: After he has come, you’ll more than likely be bringing yourself off.

Nana Darkoa: But why should I have to when I’m in bed with someone else?

Nana Darkoa: In that case I might as well have sex with myself abi?

Kojo: But sometimes you want the physical contact.

Nana Darkoa: True

Kojo: So back to coming first.

Kojo: For most (I think all) men, the older we get, the longer it takes us to be ready for round 2.

Kojo: For someone like me who gets too sensitive after I’ve just come, I can’t even stand being touched for a while.

Kojo: That means I’ve got to make sure the lady comes before I do.

Nana Darkoa: Yeah but my point is it doesn’t have to be about you 🙂

Nana Darkoa: I’m saying for eg that there are several scenarios we could explore

Nana Darkoa: The emphasis doesn’t have to be that ‘she comes first and then I come’

Kojo: Agreed. But you tell me how/why I should make it about you when I’ve just lost interest.

Nana Darkoa: For eg orgasms do not even need to be part of the goal (but that would kinda suck in my opinion)

Nana Darkoa: Hahahahahahhaahha

Kojo: Happy to explore scenarios but I’m just pointing out how it is.

Nana Darkoa: Cos you’re an unselfish, loving being who has the pleasure of his partner at the forefront of his mind?

Kojo: That would suck big time all round.

Kojo: Errrr nah.

Kojo: You there?

Nana Darkoa: In a meeting now :):


So that is how that particular BBM conversation ended but I’m curious about you. Who comes first in your relationship? (please state whether you are sleeping with a woman or a man) If you’re a woman sleeping with a man does it bother you that sex ends when he comes? Does sex end when he comes? What happens if you’re still horny after he has come? Do share your thoughts

9 comments On Conversations with my buddy on ‘The Politics of Coming First’

  • Why don’t we cum at the same time? It is possible. there gets to the point, if you know your body, when you know that this last touch/stroke/lick/turn/kiss etc etc will make you cum, so can keep postponing till you both get to your points….then GO! but maybe a largely spontaneous act like sex, (largely spontaneous uhm, maybe not), becomes too mathematical. (is there anything wrong with that?)

    The men I have slept with cum first ALL THE TIME. Some try not to be selfish and stay up doing whatever the hell they do after they cum to a body that is clearly expecting more/asking for more. The half baked attempt to seem still interested is enough to drive me out of bed for a shower. (A girl can always touch herself in a shower, no? 🙂 ). Taking showers after sex with a man is a ritual (even if it ended right), I do. I don’t even know why but I ALWAYS find a shower as soon as I can.

    Sleeping with women… 🙂 I generally like to watch people cum but I looooove to watch a woman cum again (and again). So even though it may seem selfless for prioritizing my partner’s orgasm it really isn’t about selflessness. It is about my pleasure as it is about hers— I actually like to watch her in perhaps what’s her most vulnerable state, makes me want to cum. Women unlike men don’t necessarily lose interest after they cum. An ex gets sensitive after cumming, the type that doesn’t even like to be touched, yet right after “getting back into her body” as she calls it, is over (takes usually about 3-5mins) she crawls right back into your arms and starts kissing on you.

    Bottom line is, it shouldn’t matter who comes first, so far as we both will ‘arrive’ (as many times as we can take). And like nana said, the fucking bit is like the part of the movie you can skip without losing the essence of the story, you watch it anyway because oh what the hell!

  • …He makes sure I come first like the “modern man”. I find it nice cos there have been the ones who just want to cum(them no send those ones, I hardly looked forward to sex. I understand kojo’s point and I have come to accept that after a man cums(most men at least) e don finish be that(for that round).

  • I’m sorry to disrupt the cummings and goings of this post, but eh OZOHU, you look incredibly SEGGGGAZZZZZY with that cigar, blowing smoke. I find it SEXY when chicks do that!!!! Well, classy ones! Not just any!

    That is all……orgasms can continue!

  • I think so long as you are pleasing your partner it shouldn’t matter who cums first. Like your friend said, the sex does kinda stop (albeit for longer periods for some) once the man cums, but women should be willing to take one for the team every now and then because…it happens. Now if he is only interested in getting his (or she’s only interested in getting hers), then there’s a problem.

  • @African Mami: awww thanks! I am so blushing right now(and u know how difficult that is for a black woman.loL)

  • wow I love reading your post, they are both interesting and hilarious we need more out spoken women like you! tell me do you reside in the UK or Ghana?

  • @Your Name – EXCELLENT points! Why had I even forgotten about the possibility of cuming together? That’s something I’ve experienced in the past (only a few times though), but that’s definitely a more exciting goal to aim for. And oh for a partner whose primary turn on is to watch me cum again and again…#bliss

    @Ozuhu – I hear you but I don’t agree with you. If we accept whatever our partners set as their (sexual) limits we may end up being thoroughly dissatisfied. I wanna come last!

    @Lady Ngo – Take one for the team???? I don’t even get you. Which team? The team of sexually frustrated women? Okay I exaggerate but no thank you :

    @African independent – Thanks for reading. I live and work in Ghana. What makes you ask?

  • LOOL. kojo u whuss. chew pawpaw leaves. your nerve endings are too sharp. about i don’t feel like getting touched for a while..smh

  • Cumming first? That is if we equate coming with ejaculating in a man or the state of climax in a woman. Or does it include all the other heightened states of pleasure either could bet taken to before penetration. I prefer my partner pleasured by the warmth and ease of the motion of the ocean with touch by hands lips tongue and toys. Penetration is last but by then she is more than fine and happy to see me milked. I’d still say talk about what works for you two and share.
    Worked for a lady client in a divorce whose husband wanted to be tickled analy before he could ejaculate. Otherwise even with a priapic erection he never ejaculated. And she found the whole act of teasing her husband in the anus gross. So all the accusation of violence and all were false, but a little tease was the problem. When I advised that she talk to him about it she refused. Lending her a dvd titled ‘better sex’ did seem to help though, especially with some doctors on it saying such sensations in men are normal. She came for her file, but the divorce was not completed. I hope she found it necessary to study her husband sexually and he likewise. It takes 2 to tango. And sometimes more. Lol

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