Guest Contributor Voluptous Voltarian: Coming On to Her After She Came Out to Me

So I have a confession. I am not proud of it. I had sex with a woman. And it sucked. It sucked big time. Though neither of us did. Suck I mean. At least not each other. Perhaps being cunning linguists might have helped the interaction be more exciting. As it was, it wasn’t. What I am ashamed of is not the having sex with a woman. It is how much it sucked. If the phrase “womp, womp, womp” could ever be the soundtrack for a sexual experience then that would be the one playing in the back ground while she did me. The hookup consisted of some making out, some boob sucking and her fingering me. She had her period so I didn’t get to touch her. In the hetero world this would be considered second base. But in the queer world it was fucking. And it fucking sucked.

The entire time I was in her bed I kept thinking how much I missed my ex-boyfriend. And kept thinking how hot it would be if the guy I was crushing on was the one sucking on her nipples instead of me and I was just sitting on a chair watching it all. I adored her body but I had more of an anthropological interest in it. While she was on top of me i was considering how much more I weighed than her and wondering if this is how my voluptuous frame felt on top of my sinewy ex’s chest. I was basking in her skin and thinking that I now got why the men who had touched me were so turned on. I was feeling her body melt into mine and thinking how I had a new appreciation for the beauty of the female form. Now I don’t know a lot of what one should feel when having sex with a woman. But I know that is not it. So after the night ended we talked about it and decided not to do it again and I decided that I must not be questioning or the least bit bisexual and that despite my attraction to another woman I had met the day I  met the woman I eventually fucked I must be strictly dickly. When I raised this point with the woman I spent the night with she said something that really made an impact on me: “VV,” she said “I know the first time you had sex was amazing and it was with a man. Do you think this is what made you straight?” “Nope.” I responded. “I was straight before” “Hmmm,” she said, in her best professor impression.  “What if the first time you had sex it hadn’t gone well and it had been what it is for most of us, awkward and uncomfortable and infinitely forgettable would you have thought that was evidence that you weren’t straight?” “Of course not,” I said. “It would just have been commentary on that particular sexual encounter. Not even necessarily on that particular person  because if I was invested enough in them i could tell myself to try to make things better. I wouldn’t say I wasn’t straight. I would just say i had bad sex with a guy.” She raised her eyebrow at me and said “Well then I would hesitate to say you aren’t bi-curious because the sex we had was bad” Her words rattle around in my head till this day.

Before her I had never thought of myself as questioning or bisexual. Female bodies are alluring to me and big puffy nipples and swollen pink labia have always turned me on visually. But my attachment to dick is strong, chale. No matter how alluring the female form is visually, if a hard penis doesn’t enter the scene in ten seconds I lose interest. I always loved watching women being made love to. But if it was by another woman, unless a dick made an entrance, my interest always waned. So I was pretty sure I was pretty straight. But then the day I met this friend and made her acquaintance I was at the Nubuke Foundation. I met four women. One of them, not the girl I slept with who is now one my closest friends but another girl I haven’t seen since, well, she blew me away. I took one look at her and got all tingly. She was a little androgynous with velvet-black skin and a cloud of an Afro. Woo. Mawu! All of a sudden I questioned my straightness. I called Lily, my best friend from childhood, and told her. She was excited for me and said “Paddy her.” Sadly I got busy with other things and never got the chance to. Over time my crush faded and I totally forgot about it until the day the woman I slept with, who following that day at the Nubuke Foundation kept in touch and became one of my besties told me that she was bi. What? “A” was bi? How had I never known this? I have had people come out to me all my life but never a brand-new friend and never in quite that way. All of a sudden all of the things “A” had said to me before came flooding back. All of the times she had invited me to her place to hang out suddenly took on all these sepia tones. Had she been flirting with me? Was she trying to fuck me? Was she interested? I asked mutual friends and they all thought she was. So I brought it up one day with her and she admitted she had been flirting a bit and we ended up in bed. And it sucked.  Womp womp womp.

But then after our disastrous sexual encounter I did a little thinking and realized how unfair I had been to her. Why did her telling me she slept with women suddenly have me regarding her with different eyes? Why did I think she was telling me so she could tell me something? She told me she was bi. She didn’t tell me she liked me. I was the one who started rewinding every interaction we ever had searching for innuendo. Sure, I knew she was interested in having some casual sex while she was in Ghana. But why did I assume she was interested in me? Why did I put her on the spot by asking her? What did I really think she was going to say? No? That would have hurt my feelings and she probably wouldn’t have wanted to do that. If I am honest with myself I will have to admit that I wasn’t in the least bit attracted to her but was intrigued about whether I was attracted to girls and figured that since she was a girl who liked girls she might be the one to break me in. Basically as soon as she came out to me I came on to her. And I have come to realize that this is something a lot of women I know—even those of us who are straight allies and fight against homophobia every day—do to their queer or bi friends. We assume that just because they have told us they like women that they must like ALL WOMEN including us. And when we find out they don’t we get genuinely hurt and wonder “What is wrong with me?” “Why doesn’t she like me?” We get all Sojourner Truth and start asking “Ain’t I a Woman?”  We assume our bi or queer friend must be available for us to try out all our little fantasies on and a lot of the time I think we put them in a really uncomfortable position where they just decide to fuck us for the sake of peace and harmony. So “A” if you are reading this, I know we talked about it already and I apologised but I would really just like to say sorry again. Thanks for being nice enough to not turn me down. But next time someone does what I did to you bounce her 🙂 You deserve better than to be a guinea pig. However all that said, guinea pig and matchmaker are two different things so if you get a chance find you-know-who’s number for me. I still think about her from time to time. I would fuck the shit out of her.

My Dear Adventurers, have any of you ever come out and then been come on to? How did you handle it? Has anyone ever been in a situation like the one I put “A” in? Don’t be shy. Tell VV.

11 comments On Guest Contributor Voluptous Voltarian: Coming On to Her After She Came Out to Me

  • Ebenezer Scrooge

    My! My!! My!!! “Everyone” seems to be “curious” nowadays… Well, heard the mind’s the most important variable in the Sexual Equation and from your PhallusOde, ’tis obvious you are more inclined towards men… Well, well… Let me restrain myself from squashing the Explorer in you… Run along now, get with YouKnowWho and come fill us in… Cheers

  • Ebenezer Scrooge

    Apologies, but the imp in my head begged to know… With all the seeming acceptance accorded women being curious, as it appears women think of it, men fantasize about two (or more) women together… Ummmm, would it be same (from) women, if they heard two of the most eligible bachelors in town we getting to know each other?? Do women complain when the well documented androcentric double standards favour them?? Are men scared of being themselves?? Politics of Sex, perhaps… Oh, well… Lemme run off now… Cheers…

  • Ebenezer Scrooge you’re hilarious! 🙂 and You make an excellent point. it’s true, it seems that even in societies where the rights of lesbians, gays, bis, transgenders & queers (LGBTQs) r accepted, it’s considered ‘hot’ and totally acceptable for a woman have sexual contact with another woman but it’s considered icky or laughable for men to do the same. i have no idea why this is. obviously, there’s some politics of sex involved! as you probably know, i’m researching into LGBTQ rights and lots of people i’ve interviewed say they are not as appalled abt women being with women as they are by men being with men. i think it’s an unnecessary bias that people have. i personally am very turned on by stills of two hot men having sex or being sexual with each other. i find it sooo erotic! i dont think that beautiful sex is only limited to that which happens btwn a man & woman. cheers right back at you!

  • Nubuke Foundation? Where is that? i need to go there…. 😉

  • @VV – When I was in uni I became friends with this woman and the very first time we went out she told me all about the previous relationships she had had with women. I kept thinking, ‘Why is she telling me all of this? Does she fancy me?’, I waited for months for her to hit on me but she never did. I was even disappointed, and thought ‘Ah. Why doesn’t she fancy me?’. So your post brought back lots of funny memories. The good thing is I’m a lot more aware than I was before and she and I are still very tight friends 🙂

  • @Ebenezer: Everyone does seem to be curious these days, don’t they? I really didn’t think I was and that is why when that girl at Nubuke threw me for a loop I got so disoriented. I’m definitely closer to hetero than homo on the Kinsey scale and I am actually starting to think that the only I could successfully get it on with a woman would be in a threesome type of situation but who knows?

    I actually harbor this dread that I will see my crush again and realize that night was a fluke and she actually does nothing for me and with that realization i will have to kiss all my bi-curious dreams goodbye.

    I actually am very turned on by homoeroticism and though it’s true that society is less tolerant of gay sex between men I would hope the tide is changing. I personally keep segments of the male gay porn industry in business and i am too turned on by erotica featuring two men. The man I dated for years was bisexual and had been in a relationship with a man in the course of his extensive dating history and i didn’t see it as a minus. I didn’t take it as commentary on his virility or even on his ability to be faithful to me in our relationship. I didn’t see it as any different than if he had told me about an ex-girlfriend. I don’t think i am terribly rare (Ekuba seems to also be turned on by men in sexual situations) so i am sure there are others who share my view and over time those kinds of attitudes will permeate society and there will be more room for men to also explore their bicuriousity. And more importantly, once they do they won’t have to declare homosexuality exclusively–there will still be room for men to be bicurious in the way that women are instead of the current trend that exists now where once a man dips his toes in guy-on-guy waters nobody in society will believe that he actually still likes women too and everyone will just be waiting for him to mosey on over to Gaytown permanently; I actually think this mentality is what keeps most men from experimenting.

    @ Kofi A–I don’t want this post to serve as a false advertisement for the Nubuke Foundation oh. I think my experience there was atypical, hahaha. I doubt it is this den of pick-ups and lustful moments and explorations of sexuality but i might be wrong. Just would hate for you to go there expecting to see a bevy of Nubian goddesses and coming up short.

    @ Nana: Lmao at your story! Luckily “A “and I also worked it out and are still very tight friends and i am too grateful for that. Why oh why do we do this to the queer women in our lives? It’s so unfair. Rotf at “Ah. Why doesn’t she fancy me?” That is probably exactly what i would have thought if “A” had turned me down and i think she knew it so she had no choice but to fuck me. Tear. I feel really bad about what I did; I really do lol.

  • @VV, pulling your leg, I know Nubuke quite well. I know some of its leaders and board members… It’s a fun place to hang out for art and performance. But the next time I’m there, I’ll be looking for a voluptuous woman who is scanning every male crotch… and will also try out my minimal knowledge of Voltarian languages with her… 🙂

  • VV…I love the way you write, not many ppl can make me smile as much as you just did. Out of curiosity tho I wonder…when does one crossover from being bi curious to being just bi? Is it the number of women one experiments with?

  • @ Kofi: Hahaha. You got me there… I actually haven’t been back to Nubuke since that night but I’ll try to make a reappearance. I’ll be extra-careful to keep crotch-scanning to a minimum though, so I don’t blow my cover.
    @Akoria: That is a fascinating question. I know the answer varies from person to person but for me the difference is the level of interest. Regardless of how many women some people i know have hooked up with they consider themselves bicurious because they feel as if their hooking up with women is to answer some question about their sexual selves and level of attraction to women as a gender that hasn’t been adequately answered. Bisexual women in my opinion are fairly clear on their attraction to women as a gender. They know they want to fuck women and can form intimate sexual connections with women. They just don’t like women exclusively; they like men too. I consider myself bicurious because I don’t know if i like women. i think i might but i’m not sure.

  • My! my! I haven’t been on Adventures in months and tonight another blog I was perusing mentioned your Fucking Ghana into Me piece so I mosied on over and read that and now this. You do have a way with words, especially all the Twi ones. I really enjoyed both.
    In the former, I think I agree with your conclusion of sorts: that perhaps we associate all things freeing and open and exploratory with the “foreign” I’ve been spoken to and written to in Ewe and Fante but not while in bed with anyone. But that would have to mean I was with a Ghanaian in bed. ah well…
    Re: queers and coming on to your queer friends. I had to laugh. As a queer woman, I usually think of how the other person will feel before I come out to them. It’s true that some people automatically assume you want to do them soon as you come out to them. I am intrigued by your distinction between the bi-curious and the bi woman.
    Overall, what an entertaining read for 2:30am in the morning. Mbo n’agyuma

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