The first time
So as you know, it all started with Paa Kwesi saying Ibrahim was dying to see me. I had treated HIM to lunch at the Mall and he called his cousin. He insisted that we meet up soon, and so we did on Friday night, I think it was. Maybe it was Saturday. I can’t remember.
Anyway we went to dinner at the Mall, grabbed a quick bite to eat and then saw The Hobbit. He complimented me the ENTIRE time. He seemed really surprised that I was so fun to be around, because he assumed I would be a snob.
He told me I was the most beautiful woman in the room and I had to know that.
“Look at how everyone stares at you wherever we go. I’m the luckiest man in the room.”
I told him I wanted to hold his hand while we walked, because we never got a chance to do it as kids. I grabbed his hand and then let it go a short while later. By then he had already told me he had a girl friend and I didn’t want to step into her territory. When we got into the movie he insisted that I put my head on his chest and cuddle with him. So I did. And it was great.
And then his girlfriend called. He said he was at the movie with his brother and that he would call her later. She called or texted like 3 times that night.
By the time the movie was over it was really late, and he said he didn’t want to be on the roads because he had been attacked just a few weeks before. He asked if it would be ok if I slept in the guest room.
“I’ll be a perfect gentleman. I won’t bother you at all.”
Sure, says I.
But then he wants to watch a movie, and that means I have to sit in his bedroom to watch it. So I do. I asked (or rather forcefully suggested) that we redo our first kiss since it was so awful. He agrees and we do. It’s better, but not much better. I think I told him so. I was happy with that, and was ready to settle in to watch the movie, but then he sits up on his knees and starts to maul me. I was genuinely confused! By the time he started tearing at my MAKSI dress I had to slow him down.
Are we really about to do this, I asked. What about his girlfriend? (I didn’t ask him that).
“Whatever you want to do is fine with me, baby,” he said. But he still hadn’t stopped kissing me.
SO what is a girl to do? I took off my clothes, and got back in bed.
“I just want you to know I’m a freak, and I’m going to do things to you to make sure you never forget me,” he said.
He spread my legs and began to eat me out. Normally, I don’t like anyone down there unless I’ve had a shower or unless we have established a firm relationship, but he didn’t ask me about my preferences. He played with my clit and then plunged his tongue into my asshole. I jumped at first, because I thought he had gone too far down while he was going down, but then he spread his tongue and then began to probe it deliberately. SO I laid back and let it happen!
By then it was pretty well established that we were going to have sex. He had been telling me that I was insanely beautiful all night, that he was so happy that he was lying next to me, that I was his first love and that he had never forgotten me.
“I love you, Asantewaa.”
Henh? How is this possible? I laughed dismissively while he pulled me on top of him. He’s long, but not large. It was a very comfortable fit, actually. So I rode him until he decided he wanted to take me from the back.
“Just keep your ass up. I’ll do all the work.”
I have never been fucked so hard or fast in my entire life. He was like a jackhammer, or the Energizer Bunny. And he has STAMINA. He just wouldn’t cum!
“Lift your leg this way, baby. That’s my girl,” he whispered.
He was like a damn acrobat. I was too shocked by all the gymnastics to even cum myself, but it was still a memorable experience. When he was finished he slumped over and pulled me in close to him.
“Do you speak any Ghanaian language?” he asked.
I told him no, and why not.
“But do you understand ‘bra’?”
Yes. ‘Come’.
“Eti sen?”
How are you?
“Oheema.”
Queen.
“No. MY queen.”
He kissed me passionately and we fell asleep in each other’s arms. The next morning we woke up and did it all over again. We couldn’t get enough of each other. We cupped each other’s faces in our hands and stared directly into each other’s eyes as he pulled in and out of me. He has SUCH beautiful eyes!
The airport
Even though he had chaqued me with his immature shenanigans, I still couldn’t leave without one last shag. Between the constant calls and text and “I love yous” he had burrowed under my skin. The second time I’d spent the night at his house wasn’t quite as memorable, although it was for him. I gave him tremendous head. He said it was the best blow job he’d ever gotten in his LIFE.
“No seriously. Did you go to school for that, or is that just something you learned through practice?”
Well how does one answer a question like that? I sucked my teeth and laughed at him. I wondered if Lillian (his girlfriend) knew how to give him a proper blowjob. Something tells me she doesn’t, but that is their own wahala. He brought Lillian up a lot during this escapade, which didn’t bother me at all. I even joked that I would introduce myself as the woman who had been fucking her boyfriend this week, and how pleased I was to meet her. (What a bitch, right?)
Since time was against us, we each agreed that we would have to get naked RIGHT AWAY when we got to his house.
“Do you like beer? I’m going to pick up a few beers for us. It will help you sleep on the plane too.”
I can drink beer if there is nothing else, I agreed.
He went into the store and came back with two Savannah Dry’s, already opened. We were at his house in a few minutes after the drink run. By this time it was 6:25 pm and I had to be at the airport no later than 7:50 pm. We didn’t really rush though. He has 2 bathrooms and we both went to pee. I took off my clothes on the way into the bedroom and he was still fully dressed when I got there.
“What are you doing?” I asked loudly. “Get your clothes off! We have to do this fast!”
I clapped my hands and hopped onto the bed.
“Ah. But can’t you be a little romantic about it?” he asked disappointedly.
I said something “romantic” (can’t remember what) and he finally got undressed…very carefully, I might add.
“I don’t want you to go, Asantewaa. I want you to stay,” he whispered.
“I really don’t want to go either,” I admitted.
If I was a complete asshole, I could leave my husband and kids to live a life of security (and scandal) with a man who was SO plainly smitten with me. He said he worshipped me. Fortunately, I am not an asshole or an idiot. I discovered on the ride home that he likes his women young and malleable. He likes to dominate them. It’s an ego thing, he said.
“I like my men to dominate me,” I countered.
“Only in bed,” he laughed.
“Yes. Only in bed. I can’t be that chick who is totally submissive to her husband in every aspect of life.”
As you can see, it’s a good thing I didn’t let my head run away with his dick. I would REALLY be screwed then! Back to the sex.
He calls my breasts “the twins.” He teases my nipples and motorboats my cleavage at every opportunity. He cupped them in the car when he wasn’t shifting gears. He loves the twins.
He was obviously under a lot of pressure to perform. He was limp when he got in bed.
“Get me hard, Asantewaa,” he said softly.
I don’t know him THAT well sexually, so I sucked his dick. All men like to have their dicks sucked. He told me to turn around so we could do a 69. When I didn’t stop sucking his dick, he repeated his request. My mouth never left his cock as I swung over, which seemed to amaze him.
“Woooowwww,” he gasped.
And then he got hard.
We didn’t have sex yesterday night. We didn’t make love, like we did the first night. We just fucked.
“Fuck me, Ibrahim!” I demanded.
“I AM fucking you, Asantewaa! You’re the only person on the plane getting fucked before they fly tonight!”
I pulled my waist harder against him and manipulated my body in ways that no one has, or has even bothered to try to. Then he slapped me. Not hard though. I glared at him. What the hell was that?? He saw the look in my eye and turned me over. He drove into me so hard I thought the black would peel off my ass. He spanked me again and again.
“You have so much ASS, Asantewaa!” he exclaimed.
He told me before that he can never last for much longer when he’s looking at my ass. He came soon after he made that declaration. I turned around and murmured sweetly to him.
“I think I owe you something.”
“What, baby?”
I reached behind me and slapped him back.
We drank the rest of our ciders and lay down together for a few more minutes.
“Please don’t forget me when you leave.”
“I won’t. I promise. Try not to forget me either.”
“How can I forget you? You’re my everything. I love you.”
It had to be the pussy talking. I “hmmm’d” and snuggled into his chest.
Then Lillian called.
“Please ignore whatever I say, okay?” he begged.
“No problem.”
He had a brief conversation with her, until I got bored and got up to take a quick shower. When I got back to the room he was already dressed. It was time to go.
True to his word, he got me to the airport in the nick of time. We said a long, sweet farewell. We kissed in public. I didn’t care. He gave me 5 cedis to give to some old man who was waiting to push my luggage. I walked away towards the terminal and looked back to get one last look – but you know Kotoka. He had to move. I never saw his car leave.
51 comments On Guest Contributor Asantewaa: An Illicit Holiday Romance
Asantewaa, is this a series or a one off story? Because you began by assuming your readers already know something about you and Ibrahim. Also your narrative seemed a bit rushed and it kind of took something away from the story…my 2pence..
Yeah, girl. What you said.
Me don’t like this!I don’t even get the story,towards the end,I tot u were gonna have a quickie and then bleh…
And yes call me prude but I don’t get why any woman would like to knowingly sleep with a guy who has a girlfriend!and he refers to u as a brother to the girl and u are ok with it?because of the sex?be adventurous but not with another girl’s man!its not ON!
And erh some men lie!so ignore the part about you being the best BJ giver ever!he prolly tells his girl same.
Go and sin no more Asantewaa:stay off other babes guys!
Oh come on Abena. It really ain’t that deep. Now lemme try and answer your question about why would any woman want to sleep with another woman’s man? Cos its not about the other woman. Its about you and the man. Cos you fancy him. Cos you want to do him. Cos you don’t really care about the other woman. That may sound unpalatable but that could be just the way the cookie crumbles.
@ Nana Darkoa: lol about ‘it ain’t that deep’. I think a lot of women abhor women that knowingly sleep with ‘already taken men’ since they believe they such women assist men to maltreat their wives/ girlfriends/ partners (ie: maltreat them by being unfaithful to them) & this is a breach of sisterhood
Nana D I still stand by my earlier opinion that it aint cool!totally wrong and as Ekuba said it’s a breach to sisterhood,this lends credence to the saying that women are their own enemies!this sex escapdes are still carried on when the guy is married and then a sister is left home to cry and get sick about her husband and his sex partner.
Not giving a pass to the men but for me I’m taking it from the angle of the enabling woman who’s causing another grief.
I laughed when i first read Abena’s comment… I was like did Abena miss the part where Asantewaa admitted to being a married woman with 2 kids back in London? I think that should have been the moral issue and not really about the fact that she slept with her ex who has a girlfriend. Now i’m assuming the guy is her ex? Her story doesnt even say much about that…All in all its a poorly written story that could have been hotter than she made it sound…
Great read, some of the least self-conscious, “free” writing about an affair from a woman’s perspective I’ve read.
I also love the reaction it has provoked.. In a sense, I empathize with the writers who think it’s a breakdown in solidarity… but my read is that we are all in competition for a scarce resource… not that men or women are scarce, but compatibility, intimacy are scarce, and one’s search for them might lead to strange bedfellows.
wow, this story was so rushed through, i felt like i was having a quickie with it. Also, it made me think of sex thats too rough & too empty(girl, if this story is true, you know the jackass was lying to get into your pants right?) . Am not saying you aint pretty and all that, but its kinda obvious ”Ibrahim” was nothing short of playing games with you…and his woman.
Now @ Abena, i am going to call you a prude because from previous posts, you have sounded quite vocally prudish….maybe even bordering on judgemental but hey, i’m just saying.
I beg to differ about being responsible for another woman’s mistreatment just because i’m sleeping with her man. I have been in relationships with married men a couple of times and what actually attracted me to them was the way they treated other women especially their wives! Look, i dont have a credible source but from experience, almost half of men will have sex outside their relationships when presented with a good opportunity. It doesnt make it my fault, does it? It doesnt make it the other woman’s fault either. Its just the way it is, some things cannot be explained or understood *shrug*. What is importantant to me is whether i want it or not, whether he wants it or not, and what is the probable outcome? I’m not one for drama or being clingy and demanding when it comes to other peoples men….in fact, i actually give them advice on how to ‘score more points’ with the wifey. It always works out perfectly well for me. So unless you actually plan on usurping wifey, or youre selfish/ connivining/immature/ a cockblocker, i dont see why this should go awry…Its a win win situation!
Ok my last comment on this Post: Nana Akosua I might have missed that part bcos as I first stated,I don’t even get the story.it was poorly written.now I don’t even know what to say about that.
@Naa Adjeley: is there something wrong if I’m a prude?when did standing up for what u believe in and certain principles become wrong?Judgemental I’m NOT however I have an opinion and is guided by principles and a Bible trained conscience.I don’t even shove my opinion down people’s throat.
Naa so u saying ur lack of self control isn’t your fault?and yes it lack of self control because you had the will power to say NO but you decided what the heck!who cares?its a win win so c’ést la vie.I’m glad u were able to spice some people’s marriage but u well know the case hasn’t been soo rosy in most cases and that’s what I’m talking about here.
I hope Asantewaa writes better next time.XoXo
OK, first of all, isn’t this supposed to be a STORY? I missed the part where she said it was true, so please somebody, anybody, point this out to me.
I know this site is a place where women come to express themselves but ANYTHING goes; fantasy, reality, truth and fiction. Why we have to assume everything is real is beyond me.
Secondly, a man who will cheat on his partner DOESN’T NEED ENCOURAGEMENT from anyone else. I don’t understand why women have to bear the brunt of affairs. This whole ‘sisterhood’ we keep going on about is BOLLOCKS anyway. It does not exist and it is a system built of by women to keep themselves down. Do you see men bothering about ‘the Brotherhood’? When a man wants to do something/say something/be something, he just goes ahead and does/says/becomes it. While we’re busy deceiving ourself about this elusive sisterhood, men are just grabbing, taking and shaping the world how they like – and women are getting the blame by other women for how their lives aren’t working (and the men who took the vows are getting off scot free).
So, about the writing; it was kinda hard to get my head around, I wasn’t sure what was happening, what the narrator was trying to tell me – I wasn’t sure about her position and the position of the protagonist and the whole thing felt rushed. But other than that, good effort.
Kofi you are a thinker. That much is clear from your comments.
To add to my earlier point, how many men assume that they AUTOMATICALLY have something in common with or owe something to another man because they both have penises?
lol at the responses above. I understand that the mistress alone is not to blame for an affair but I would never call her an innocent bystander or say that there is nothing wrong with her conduct. And this is coming from a woman who used to have multiple affairs with married men before she wised up and decided to stop that appalling behavior.
I think that anyone who decides to have sex with a man or woman whom they know to be committed to another is being selfish & abetting fraudulent & despicable behavior. Kofi Ametewee, please pardon me from reproducing your comment on my previous blog post : “Letter to the Other Woman” https://adventuresfrom.com/2012/04/29/guest-contributor-ekubas-letter-to-the-other-woman.html#comments I’m reproducing it because I found your argument then very sensible and it was the nail in the coffin that made me realize how silly it was for me to date a married man & then throw my hands up in the air & say but I didn’t do anything wrong: here’s the comment:
…Ekuba, am a pretty open-minded, almost-libertine, and while I applaud your honesty, I don’t approve (apologies if that goes against Malaka’s injunction against judgment) of the scenarios you discuss. In my opinion, your lovers, if their wives don’t know, actively, about your involvement with them, are liars and frauds, and you aid and abet this conduct. I think your justification of your conduct is, let’s say, strange… Malaka has pointed out that your lover’s wife can’t care about you if she doesn’t know you. There are other moral tests we could put your reasoning to – should we steal, even if no one is looking and we can’t be caught? is this truly a victimless course of action? Can husbands really be honestly and truly committed to their homes if they are expending emotional energy and their financial resources on you? Turning the table, would husbands tolerate their wives engaging in the same behavior? Clearly, there is some sexism involved here, i.d. it’s okay for a guy to do this, but not for his wife. I think once folks make a vow to be faithful, the only honorable course of action left to them if they want to engage in infidelity is to tell their spouses….
@Ekuba – Ha! at quoting Kofi A’s words back to him 🙂 I can’t wait to see what his response is…
@Nnenna Marcia – I’m a firm believer in sisterhood AND I also do not believe that women should be the ones to be blamed when a man has an affair…whoever is in the relationship is the one who has cheated. If my ‘man’ cheats on me why should I go and accuse the woman he cheated with of betraying me? Its the man who has betrayed me if he and I were in an exclusively monogamous relationship
@ Abena, there is nothing wrong with being a prude and i called you that because you did ask readers to in your earlier submission nko? you may choose to ‘non judgementally’ define my attitude as a ‘lack of self control’ based on your ‘bible trained conscience’ but i beg to differ. Just because one CHOOSES to, not WAS FORCED TO or HAD NO OPTION THAN TO or RELENTED TO THE URGE TO do something, does not mean the person lacks self control. I am a well thinking individual who is very much in charge and aware of what i do, thank you very much. Methinks that counts as self control….
Ebeneezer Scrooge told me to come here and read the comments. I can’t believe I’m late to the party! LOL! I kinda understand Asantewaa…and the rushed sense to the story. She probably was feeling very harried about the whole thing. “Like if I’m going to do it, let me just get it on.” Poor thing.
LMAO! I liked this entry a LOT. It was REALLY funny, especially the sex! The part where his tongue meets her butthole then she jumps had me screaming.
But, it seems as if the protagonist is just there to get her rocks off, whilst Ibrahim is there for escapism. He keeps calling her beautiful as if he has never been in the presence of or been with a beautiful woman before, and it’s a dream come true. Either way, I don’t understand the brouhaha. I liked the disjointed storyline, a whole lot, and the fact that you guys were fucking like rabbits. No chemistry whatsoever.
Question. How is she going to SLAP him, and then end up cuddling together? What kind of slapping was this one?
Asantewaa, I anxiously await your response.
I don’t get all the brouhaha about this being a poor write up. I think the negative reviews of this story is more a reflection of readers objections to the morals of the story rather than the write up itself. We need to learn to be able to critique or review a story without being influenced by whether or not we agree with the morals of the story.
@Nnenna I agree that this write up could be fiction or a true story. As a story I don’t think it is a bad write up and neither do I agree that it is a hurried work.
@Abena I can understand your desire for solidarity among sisterhood but I think you are on the wrong forum. There is a lot of fiction on this website so if you want judge the morals of all the submissions here then you won’t enjoy reading some of the frank and open discussions here without any inhibitions. I will urge all prudes, if you want to enjoy returning to this website repeatedly, to develop a non-judgemental approach, at least whilst on this wonderful website called Adventures
Ach… this is why the Internet is the end of civilzation, Nana D and Ekuba… one writes something in the heat of the moment, thinking it is consigned to the ether, and then it comes back to bite one on the ass.
I find these topics immensely interesting. First, I think we are framed in a sociobiological environment.. Humans, like all beings, have an imperative to reproduce. In a sense, from an archetypal woman’s perspective, following this logic, a married man, especially, if he has had kids and is raising them, is automatically a gold star kind of guy, a sure banker in the reproduction and nurturing sweepstakes. That already raises his attractiveness. Success breeds success, right? Almost the same logic works for a guy who is in a “committed” relationship.
But then, we have evolved as a species, since we decided to live as social beings, to take other matters into consideration. We wouldn’t countenance a man, I would think, who acquires his status as a good reproducer through rape; his ability to nurture through forms of financial chicanery, would we?
Part of the thinking about long gestation periods in mammalian species – relative to overall life span – is that they lead to some form of coupling or joint caring for offspring. In essence, the female has to trust that the male will be around to support and play a vital role beyond impregnation.
So why are these stories such ugly hydra-headed monsters? And I don’t say this in a moralizing sense. I think they force a clash between two strong competing narratives… the initial impulse to reproduce and nurture a second generation and the level of cooperation and trust needed to ensure that nurturing takes place in some kind of successful way.
The deal with infidelity is that, if it is really allowed to run rampant with no societal proscriptions against it, eventually, it reduces the incentive for females to do the hard work of bearing and raising the young, and that in itself could threaten the survival of the species.
Just something worth thinking about… 😀
@ Kweku & everybody: I think there are double standards going on here. A couple of weeks ago, Anaximander wrote an interesting fantasy story featuring a man who virtually rapes an 18 year old virgin. Everyone was up in arms on this blog. The morale? An otherwise fantastic story can be unappetizing to the reading public because of the moral issues it raises. I find it utterly appalling for anyone to screw someone who has told you he/ she’s married or committed to another. Unless, your lover tells you that he/she has an open relationship with his/ her spouse, it’s not ok for you to have sex with them. Who said infidelity was a victimless offence? Tell that to the women who sit at home, crying their eyes out over the dinner they’ve cooked their husband while he screws some bimbo who says ‘Ah but I’m not doing anything wrong, I’ve not made any vows to anybody’. Totally disgusting. Google how many marriages & relationships are destroyed by infidelity. My problem with infidelity is not with people screwing outside their marriages. My problem is with the deception that goes along with it. & mistresses aid in this deception when they knowingly sleep with a married man & order their steps so that ‘his wife doesn’t find out’. Slinking with him to hotels & treks, only calling & texting him at certain times, making sure you don’t leave your makeup on his shirt. Girl please.
@ Ekuba,
Reading and enjoying this particular storyline, or any other with a questionable moral issue does not equate to one endorsing or cosigning the behavior. I find it highly unnecessary to tell the writer off, with the assumption that she is the protagonist and it is a non-fiction entry. About there being a double standard, I see none. Clearly, the writer is being taken to task, just as Anaximander was.
We cannot sit here and dictate what writers should and shouldn’t write, because it may grate a nerve or two. Now, granted that delivery and context is key, I think our writers on here should be allowed to explore whatever subject matter, pertaining to African sex and sexuality, they please. Even the HOLIEST of books, the Bible, addressed these very issues. David and Bathsheba, Solomon and his 10,000 wives and concubines, Rahab the prostitute who ended up being honored by of all people Jesus.
My point is this, since time immemorial people have doubled in morally unethical behavior. Shutting a blind eye to it,or choosing to live as if it were non-existant will not change the reality. We can respectfully dialogue those storylines that we may deem as being unethical or not in alliance with our principals and or belief systems without being judgemental. Otherwise, we are doing ourselves a great disservice.
@ African Mami: Ah, then let’s agree to disagree because I don’t agree with you one bit. I see a great deal of double standards here. You see, for Anaximander’s post, when people complained about it involving a rape scene I didn’t hear even a single person say “Gee, let’s separate morality from this story, why are all of you being so judgmental? Can’t you appreciate a good story?” But that is exactly what I have heard (in different variants) when people have complained about this particular story which involves infidelity. And since when is it being judgmental when someone indicates that they don’t agree with something? If I write a blog piece tomorrow about a father who fantasizes about having sex with his daughter & people complain, would it then mean that they are too judgmental & they should allow people to discuss all issues relating to sexuality without any complaining? You see, we all have views on what we consider distasteful & there’s nothing wrong with expressing them.
@ African Mami: PS: I’ve changed my mind, I’m going to write a fantasy story about a married man who has sex with his mistress while his wife stays up at home & waits for him (after cooking his dinner, washing his dirty socks & tucking the kids into bed). The story is going to be mega hot with sex scenes & all that & I hope it’ll make people more sympathetic towards men who cheat & their mistresses because @ the end of the day, it’s only sex, right? Oh!& I’m going to call anyone who complains about the man’s behavior in that story judgmental so please no one should complain when I write it oh 🙂 The story is coming to an area near you soon!
@Ekuba I find it puzzling that for someone like you who has openly admitted (and I admire the openness) that you have had affairs with married men in the past will take such a bold stand to against infidelity to a point that you find it disgusting for a lady to go ahead with an affair when the man had admitted to having a girl friend. Does it mean you were not aware that the married men you got involved with were already taken? And when you found out they were married did you continue to have affair with them. I ask these questions because sometimes you will know that something you are doiing is wrong and do not condone it yet you find yourself doing it. It is easy to blame people when you haven’t been in that position yourself but in your case you’ve been there not once but multiple times so I m curious to know why such a turnaround. Is it that you are now in a position to claim a man your own and suddenly realise it is disgusting for some damsel to come after your man? Just asking. I am just being curious. I know from your frankness and writings that you are not hypocritical so I am just trying to find.
@ Kweku: I’m going to answer your questions as honestly as I can ok? Please pardon my long response.
I consider the fact that I dated married men to be (at best) very disgusting & (at worst) utterly despicable & reprehensible. In fact, hardly a day goes by that I don’t regret ever getting involved in something like that. There are several things I wish I could change about my life (my abusive past, medical conditions etc.) but I would let all that remain if I could somehow take back what I did with these men.
I had all the “excuses” people use for dating married men. The fact that I was molested by my elderly uncle (whenever I’d stay with him & his wife who was a nurse would go for her night shifts) for seven years set me up to desire older married men. To this day (I just turned 27) I have never dated anyone younger than 35 years. My boyfriend is my first unmarried lover. I started dating married men after my father died. For the first time in my life, my mother had to borrow to pay my school fees & I lost so much weight because sometimes there was no food at home.The first married man I dated was my boss in the first office I interned at. I didn’t even use to think of him in that way until one day when he called me to his office, started touching me & then had sex with me on the floor carpet. I hated the sex but became drawn to him because he gave me money for school, gave me text books & used to give me lifts home (who wants to queue for a trotro at circle right?). I continued to date married men that provided for me financially in one way or the other.
Why did I decide to stop? Well, the last married man I dated beat up his wife when he came back home late one night & she complained (after accidentally oversleeping at the hotel with me). She was carrying his child & went into premature labor. I recognized how my selfishness was helping me aid men in maltreating their wives. I broke it off with him & although I had to struggle financially for the next few months, it was worth it. My views were cemented when I worked with an NGO for abused women. I heard first hand from women whose husbands were unfaithful the effects it had on them. The story I remember most is the woman who miscarried when she went out looking for her husband (who stayed the night with his mistress). Then, a psychologist came to talk to the workers at my office & I realized for the first time that infidelity is emotional abuse! So, why would I aid a man to abuse his wife? Since that time, I’ve never looked back & that is why I abhor infidelity.
Who is expessing sympathy towards this behavior??!? I’ve not yet asserted my stance on the morality issues presented. My comment is purely observational, without any analytical input to make out whether I’m sympathetic, indifferent, or abhorrent of the mentioned issues.
If anything, the point I was trying to make was clearly missed. All I was asking for is that readers be tolerant of the subject matter that is explored; instead of automatically thinking or jumping into conclusion(s) that it is an endorsement by the writer or perhaps the other readers. Tolerant here does not mean having agreeable opine. Absolutely not. It just means being open to discussion, nothing more nothing less.
–
Now, if the discussion shifted from what the writer could and could not write, TO actually discussing and dissecting the material presented, it would be much more productive.
For me, this was just that, a story. I did not internalize, NOR analyze it as you did. Therein lies our differences. Stating that you are going to write a fantasy story of a married man with loads of mega hot sex, as if to mean you would be doing it for my benefit, or for those who seem to condone such behavior, is again, unnecessary. Write the story, because you want to not to make a point based on the assumption that we have endorsed these morals and behaviors.
–
“If I write a blog piece tomorrow about a father who fantasizes about having sex with his daughter & people complain, would it then mean that they are too judgmental & they should allow people to discuss all issues relating to sexuality without any complaining?”
aahh, I see the point you are making here. No. It would not mean that they are being judgemental, but rather, highly opinionated. Basically, you are asking that there be boundaries as to the subject matter presented. BUT, now the question begs, what is game and what is not? who draws these lines? the blog owners or we the readers?
The word, judgemental was perhaps the wrong word. Ekuba, your opine is VERY much welcome, so long as it is does not affect my breathing pattern 🙂
@ African Mami: Hmm, I think you’re confusing my comments with Abena’s. You mention that I analyzed the story? But I’ve not written a single word to critique the story itself! Read my comments. Why, I think this is one of the most exciting & fast-paced stories I’ve ever read on this blog! I mean, look at all the comments it’s generated! About my up-coming story: Ah but you’re not being fair to me at all? Who said I’m writing the story for anyone’s benefit? Can a girl not throw in a free advert for her future blog posts every now & then? About setting boundaries for stories posted here: That’s within the authority of the blog founding mothers- All I ask as a humble contributor is to be allowed to express my opinions without being branded ‘judgmental’ Is that too much to ask? & no, my comments won’t affect your breathing pattern so no worries.
@ Ekuba,
My apologies Ekuba. You are well within your rights to opine as you wish. Judgemental was not the correct term.
Yes, my comments were directed to Abena, in particular [should have made that clear although I did feel the need that earlier commentary somewhat supported that endorsement attitude I’ve been yapping about ]BUT, since you addressed Kofi and everyone, and I disagreed with you on the double standard , I just commented away.
Glad that we’ve eh, squared it off, and I’m definitely looking forward to your next installment. I’ll try to be analytical, BUT, if the sex is hot, it is hot-and that’s all I care to comment on,pardon me in advance my dear!
Aunty NANA D! Hello and good day.
So I said my last comment but I lied!hehee.
I felt exactly the way Ekuba feels when I was ‘attacked’ for sounding prude.
In my head I was thinking’what is the difference between this write up and the one Anaximander wrote about de-flowering a girl?are we hypocrite on this blog?do our sense of morals pop on some stories and on others it goes to sleep because according to society it is ‘normal?’
After all,we can argue in Anaximander case that it was just a story as Nnenna was saying on Asantewaa’s own.
My point is fellow adventurer’s,in as much as we would like to assume its all about the sex so we should enjoy it,some write up whether fiction or non fiction evokes in us a certain kind of response/reaction due to our conscience or how we were trained.
We aren’t all that immune as we would like to pretend!
Medaase…
uhm maybe i’m missing the point here or maybe i’m being slow to understand, but can anyone, anyone at all explain to me how the two issues of forced sex with a minor and consensual sex between two adults are equivalent and FAIRLY comparable?
@Ekuba your long response has helped me to understand why you find disgusting and condemn it unequivocally a practice you have been involved in the past. I suppose I can liken it to the attitude of previous smokers who give up smoking and then go on to vehemently oppose the practice refusing to let anyone smoke anywhere near them. I find it laudable and honourable to resolve never to have a relationship with a married again but when your disgust is such that you are hostile towards people who for whatever reason find themselves involved in it possibly for the same reasons that made you engage in it in the past then I will find it worrying. We can all have our values and principles and strive to stick to it no matter what but we cannot attempt to impose it on anyone else. When two consenting adults engage in a relationship of any kind be it infidelity, homosexuality, fornication or whatever its up to these two individuals to face the consequences. Its none of our business to pontificate. Its a matter between them, their family and their God. The best we could do, if we are that close to the individuals involved, is to point out the dangers of whatever illicit affair they are involved in but the onus still lies on them. Thats why I find nothing wrong if you resolve not to condone any marital infidelity but find it wrong if for any reason you start pointing accusing fingers at someone because they are engaged in it, talked or wrote about it. I guess its good for us all to uphold good morals but I don’t think this is the forum for it. I may be wrong but thats my two cents.
@ Kweku: That’s your opinion & I respect it. But as you know, my own opinion is different. The fact that one disagrees vehemently with a practice doesn’t mean that I hate those who engage in it. Ever heard the phrase: hate the act, love the actor? Mhmm, because my best friend is dating a married guy & she knows I disapprove but love her to bits. She also disapproves of some aspects of my life. We talk about everything, including her relationship with Mr. Married Man. Everyone is entitled to her opinion.
On the matter of opinions- I’m all for consensual sex. But I draw the line where people have consensual sex that could hurt an innocent 3rd party. Infidelity is not a victimless act. So if someone wants to screw 1000 people outside his/her marriage that’s wonderful! The only thing is that have the balls to tell your partner so you get an open relationship. & Mr or Ms. Mistress, have the balls not bang a person who tells you he’s committed to another. End of. If you draw the line for consensual sex elsewhere great! Then let’s agree to disagree.
About pontificating: Oh my goodness, why do we have to label anyone who expresses a different opinion from ours as ‘judgmental’ or a ‘pontificate’ or ‘prude’? This wonderful website has allowed people to write articles about why they are opposed to polygamy, why they don’t think long distance relationships are ideal, why they think it’s cool to wait till you get married before you get sex. & now, my simple comments should not even be written because I’m saying I disagree with infidelity? Wow.
@ Naa Adjeley: I’ve just read through the comments & I can’t see what you’re seeing so I have to ask (I’m probably just thick in the head)- where was sex between a minor & that between 2 consensual adults compared?
@ Ekuba, ”In my head I was thinking’what is the difference between this write
up and the one Anaximander
wrote about de-flowering a girl?”- Abena’s post right above mine
aaah, oh I see. Well I guess Abena can answer that herself since I’m no one’s lawyer! lol, I guess I got confused because you said sex with a minor but Anaximander’s story didn’t involve sex with a minor (the girl said she was 18 &the story is set in Nigeria where the age of consent is 18)
Naa Adjeley um the sex wasn’t with a minor.The lady was 18years old,just wanted to correct you on that.And I still say we are hypocrite here sometimes if our sense of moral justifications pop on some stories and in others,it goes to sleep and then when one person disagrees,person is termed judgemental.So yes there can be some level of comparison.
Yikes. I spend a few days away from the site and there are waaaayyyyyy too many comments for me to respond to individually so let me try and do a general mop up.
@Afrikan Mami – Aunty Nana is well o. She’s just been a bit busy, but she’s here and sending love to you all
@Ekuba – Having read through your comments ‘I feel you’ on why you are anti affairs. I am not ‘pro affairs’ per say…I would rather people who wanted to have affairs negotiated open relationships with their partners. At the same time I recognise that the reality is that illicit relationships also are part of our (plural our here) gamut of sexuality, and I want to discuss this openly without shutting down the conversation by saying ‘you bad woman’. Plus it really gets to me that people are ALWAYS so quick to blame the woman even when she is single and its the man who is the one who has taken vows to be faithful to someone else. Come on now. I don’t buy the argument that if women did not have relationships with men who are ‘taken’ ergo no more affairs.
@Kweku – Malaka and I created Adventures because we wanted to facilitate a space where African women could have open and frank conversations about all aspects of sexuality. If there is a goal that i have for Adventures its that “the site should enable African women to have amazing sex, and to feel comfortable with their sexuality’ . Kinda utopian but that’s how I feel. I hope that answers your question.
lol @ Nana D: my ‘anti-affairs crusader’ stance is only an act! Mcheww, I’m not that passionate about it biaa! I just get off on arguing the most unpopular positions & ruffling feathers if I can. Yes, it pisses me off that
lol, my comments were cut short! … It pisses me off that people are quick to blame the woman alone for an affair & give the married man a pass even when the woman is in a more vulnerable position & younger: eg: Monica Lewinsky & house helps who sleep with their masters. That’s chauvinistic. But I also believe that affairs are disrespectful, unfair & a form of abuse. & so men & women who sleep with a married person are assisting them to deceive & maltreat their spouse (or turning a blind eye while it happens) & they must accept responsibility for this & not try to justify it or act like they are not at fault at all in any way.
@Ekuba I agree with you that women should not be the only ones to be blamed as home wreckers when there are affairs. Society assumes that women can easily have self-control whilst we men are judged to be generally weak when it comes to controlling our libido and this dates back to the biblical times with Sampson as a typical example. In fact I heard about a case two weeks ago which really broke my heart. I called my ex-girl friend on Vals day and found out she was in a very gloomy mood. When I enquired her house maid had left the house and the reason was that her husband had been sleeping with the maid, got her preganant and they aborted. After that she felt uncomfortable and fled when she found another home to go to. She only found out because the maid felt guilty and could not give any other reason so she sent her a text explaining that should her husband deny she should go to the hopital where the abortion was done to confirm whether she had been there. I felt horrified and remarked that this poor girl deserves compensation but my ex was adamant that will be a reward for bad behaviour. But i see the maid more as a victim because there was unequal power between the man and the maid and yet in circumstances like this you will find people condeming the maid more than the man. I sympathise with such sentiments but when it comes to two consenting adults deciding to engage in an affair much as I don’t think it is morally right I don’t think it is our place to condemn them in any way. On the other hand if a male boss uses his authority he has to coerce a female employee to have an affair with him thats wrong. That borders on sexual harassment and it is against the law. I am not condoning affairs but so far as two consenting adults have not broken any law and we are not a spouse or family member then we cannot really condemn thm.
@Kweku – You’re raised a really important issue, that of unequal power dynamics in sexual relationships which really blur the lines of consent. Can a maid who may not easily find another job turn down the advances of her ‘master’? Probably not. Thanks for sharing this.
@ Kweku : that’s a very touching story. & I think it brings up the problems I have with your analysis of the issue:
1. You keep saying an affair is ‘between 2 consenting adults’. You see, homosexuality, open relationships, fornication, polygamy etc. may be frowned upon by some people but essentially, they involve adults who have consented to the act & any consequences therefrom & so at the end of the day, no one is hurt. Can you say the same about adultery? A case where someone promises fidelity to his wife (a fact which his mistress knows) &t hen colludes with this same mistress to break that fidelity & keep his wife in the dark about it? Is it right that the wife wasn’t given a chance to decide whether she wants to risk stds by sharing her husband or whether she wanted to swap juices with a woman she doesn’t know?
2. The issue of responsibility. Look, I agree with you, a spouse should bear the majority of blame for an affair. But the mistress should own up to her responsibility in the affair too (unless she was coerced). So for eg. in the story you told, if the man approached the maid & seduced her or asked her to have sex with him, of course he is to blame. But suppose from the day the maid entered the house, she envied her madam’s ‘station in life’ & planned to seduce the man in order to eventually become a madam- making passes at him, exposing her self to him etc. (note if men can seduce women, then women can seduce men too!). In that case, of course the man should be blamed for betraying his wife’s trust. But can the maid throw up her hands in the air & say she’s caused no harm & is not responsible in anyway?
I wonder about this situation with a maid. A maid may flirt all she wants, but this needs to be shut down by the man, if he is mature and is conscious of the disrespect this behavior poses to his wife. If the man himself is the aggressor, it’s a clear cut case of the exploitation of his position of power. In both cases, quite unsavoury.
@ Kofi A: I agree with you 100%. Spouses should bear the majority of blame for infidelity. But persons who seduce/ knowingly engage in affairs with married people (be they maids or CEOs) should also be held accountable for their actions because they know the negative effects an affair has/ would have on another person (the betrayed spouse & his/her kids) but they choose to proceed regardless.
After reading this, I swear I heard Abena and a fair amount of our female friends in relations say “you nasty B**ch! Don’t worry my friends, what goes around comes around! At least we hope that is the case but last I checked sometimes what goes around really never comes around. So Asantewaa, may be a felix the black cat kinda character, who got the shag of her life and nada would happen to her. Anyway, interesting comments!
@Ekuba who is going to hold who accountable if two consenting adults decide to have an affair and its not a criminal offence? Or are you going to lobby for extra-marital affairs to be made criminal? If not then we can condemn such acts as much as possible but if two consenting adults decide to engage in it despite the risks involved then there is nothing you and I can do. Human nature is such that we engage in risky behaviour knowing very well the dangers involved in exchange for little pleasures that cannot be justified but hey it goes on. Even in Islamic countries where adultery is punishable by death people still engage in it. Yes extra-marital affair is not a victimless activity but apart from the risk of STDs including AIDS I suppose it doesn’t hurt if the other party doesn’t know about it or even if the other party gets to know if it he/she can choose not to allow it to hurt so much knowing that throughout even the biblical times it happened and will continue to happen until the end of the world. We just have to be realistic about it. After all people do fall to tempation abi.
@ Kweku: And the debate never dies! Who said I want anything to be done to those who cheat? I don’t give a damn about them! Indeed, I care less about anyone’s views on adultery. I’ve stated my view that it’s disgusting & those who screw married men/ women aren’t blameless (that’s what I meant by they should be held ‘accountable’). You, on the other hand, seem to have a problem with views dissimilar to yours because after calling me judgmental, you decided for me & Abena which ‘forum’ is more appropriate for our views. Has your spouse ever cheated on you? Because maybe then you’d know that STDs are not the only negative effects of infidelity. Google ‘effects of infidelity’ & find out the emotional & psychological torment that children & spouses of cheats go through. If we’re to use your argument that no one should criticize any consensual sex between adults, then unless the man in your story raped or coerced the maid, he’s blameless. After all, she’s an adult & consented to sex, no? Sexual harassment is unwarranted sexual conduct so if she agreed & maybe repeatedly had sex with him, how can she say his advances were unwarranted (unless he coerced her)? & in that vein, she doesn’t deserve any compensation since they both ‘enjoyed themselves’.
Asantewaa, I like it! It’s quick and ‘dirty’ and sometimes that’s just the way life plays out.
Nana D – to your first comment on this post- I agree.
you guys have rewritten this whole story.
very interesting comments indeed. lol
I came back to reading this again and realized that it’s filed under ‘creative non-fiction’ meaning it’s a true story? All along I thought it was fiction & that colored my discussion of it (as you all know, I always like to play the Devil’s advocate for the sake of a lively discussion!) If this story is truly non-fiction then I really don’t have any standing to nitpick another woman’s personal choices (lord knows I’ve made horrible choices times 3, lol). So Asantewaa, (you never replied), but if you ever read this someday & this is actually your personal story, then pardon me for my harsh take on it & critical tone. Hugs.
You’re such a sweetheart @Ekuba