For the first time in many months I was on a flight and couldn’t sleep. Usually I was dozing off even before the plane taxied off. I downed two bottles of wine, hoping it would take the edge off the pain and lull me to sleep. It did not work. 3 hours into the flight, I feel the urge to write, to purge my system by letting it all out. A phrase dropped into my mind – Only the person you love can hurt you.
The day started out as usual with the customary morning pleasantries, mutual greetings, wishes of a pleasant work day and promises to link up later in the day. I was travelling in the evening, and usually on days I had to travel my day is often chaotic, filled with a number of commitments I had to deal with before I could take off. He had arranged for a mechanic to take a look at my car, which was acting up, another indication of his love and care for me. I was delighted that he would go to the extent he did, to ensure that I was comfortable. I was also looking forward to our celebration of love later in the week, as by some miracle, we were billed to be in the same country at the same time. It was such a precious opportunity, very rare and to my mind, it seemed to be an interesting twist of fate.
I cannot put my finger on how the day turned sour, except to say that I took his care and love for granted. I should have been more sensitive to the nuanced conversation we had at the beginning of the day and realised that I was making a big mistake. The circumstances we find ourselves in do not lend itself to the traditional actions associated with two people in a relationship. Ours is a matter of seizing the moment, making rapid adjustments almost without notice, modifying schedules to allow for a moment here and there. It did not lend itself to long term planning, rather thrived on spur of the moment opportunities, which once lost, may never be recovered. That was how today turned out to be.
I do not even know the cause of the pain I feel, I am not sure why I feel this deep sense of sadness. I only know that my heart feels like someone took it in their hands and squeezed it tight. So tight that I find it difficult to breathe. I feel like I am drowning in my own sorrow, a sorrow that I should have been prepared for, that I should have conditioned my mind for, given the circumstances of our relationship. I so long for the opportunity to openly claim him as mine. To wear him on my sleeve for the whole world to see, to rejoice in the knowledge that he is mine alone. But this cannot be, for his sake and mine, we must continue to cloak ourselves in the veil of secrecy, to present a picture of mere friendship, whist in our innermost being, we wrestle with feelings of possessiveness and jealousy that must never see the light of day.
And yet even whiles I feel saddened by the events of the day, I do not, nay, am not capable of holding grudges against my love. I find that try as I may, I cannot stay upset for long. As I try to find sleep, my mind is whirling with images of his sweet sensitive face, the eyes that look at me with such pure honest love, the voice which brings happy smiles to my lips and sets my very being on fire, hungry for his inevitable touch. I can only look forward to a time of pure unbridled joy in his arms, savour the thought of his caresses, his kisses, and his touch that sets my body aflame. I long to be in his embrace, to feel the sweetness of his lips upon mine, his probing tongue in a seductive dance with mine. I long to look into his face and see his eyes darken with the passion he feels for me, the passion that consumes us both, the passion which threatens to overtake me anytime he takes me in his arms.
And so I journey on, knowing that my reward awaits me on the other side. I prepare my heart and body to satisfy my love, to show him the depths of what I feel for him, to give him pleasure beyond compare. I look forward to taking him on a journey of deep intense pleasure, to sear his senses with the very essence of my being, to erase his mind, at least for the moment, of all but me. As a bride prepares for her bridegroom so I prepare myself for my love, with care and pride, knowing that my body holds a source of joy to him.
Therefore I refuse to wallow in negativity, I will lift up my spirits and plan for a glorious reunion, I will clothe myself in the sexiest of dresses and wear my sweet scented perfume. I will look forward to the meeting in the east, where I will offer my body as a loving present to be unwrapped slowly, lavished with kisses and loving touches. I will in turn wait to take my lover into my arms and worship his body as only I can, covering him with loving kisses, touching him in the secret places of pleasure, taking him into myself, straddling him, rocking him, taking him on an erotic journey which will leave him gasping my name as he erupts in mindless pleasure.
I wait in patience for his arrival.