The red notifications on facebook are a cross between intrigue and despair. Most of the time they’re useless updates or someone inviting me to play candy crush. I’m forever removing myself from update notifications. So when I saw a message request alert I thought it must have been one of the relatives I’m always blocking from across Nigeria. No. I cannot send money or a laptop or a car.
It wasn’t a relative.
It was him.
There are only 2 exes who I can honestly look back on and say if only…if only things could be different, if only money, location, life didn’t get in the way. If only we could have loved each other enough to take a chance on our love, if only we had had more courage. If only…
This message was from my one of my “if onlys” and ohhhh how I adored him. My Angolan Prince. The type of love that had me travelling to see him even when I should have been saving my money for my business. The type of love that made me want to move to Luanda to be with him. The type of love that made me want to learn Portuguese even though I’m too lazy to learn languages. Even when our language barrier, sometimes, got in the way we could just look at each other and laugh. I loved him deeply. I can’t explain it.
So when I opened the alert I saw that he had been trying to message me for 2 months. The first message was nothing complicated, no long story just a few words…”Hello baby… How are you? I miss you”…
I read that first message over and over and over again…I MISS YOU. My heart skipped a beat, that warm feeling ran through my body and charged through to my pussy. That electricity and chemistry that we had came back in an instant. I was there again. I was with him. In his arms. I clicked his profile page, he still looked the same. So cute. SO handsome. I don’t usually cyber stalk, I don’t have time and I don’t usually care but for him…I was transfixed.
It’s been almost 10 years since we broke up, I haven’t seen him in 10 years…I haven’t heard his voice and yet this simple message had me feeling like he should be with me. That he should be with me. Made me wonder why life is so ridiculous sometimes.
He had sent some more messages and I finally replied.
I hesitated because I’m in a relationship with someone I love and who loves me. Our relationship is lovely, the sex is fantastic, he treats me like a Queen, he spoils me.
But I felt like I should message him, not like I should…that I could, that I wanted to, I wanted him. Suddenly those 10 years didn’t feel so long ago. His smile, his eyes, his arms, everything about him…I remembered what it felt like to have him inside me.
I had to take a break and pleasure myself…twice, first time with my fingers, second time with a dildo and both times as I came (hard) I imagined he was with me, I called out his name. I imagined him inside me. I imagined his tongue on my clit. I imagined his dick in my mouth, I imagined him coming on my breasts… I can’t remember the last time I came so deeply by myself. The heat from each orgasm made me forget where I was, my body was shaking for a while afterwards, it felt like I had been taken over by something beyond me…all I remembered was that I wanted him, I wanted him. My “If only” orgasms…
I couldn’t concentrate for ages afterwards, even after I had “relieved” myself…my pussy kept throbbing and I had to make sure I logged off from facebook before I said too much. All I could see was his face and his body…which kind Angolan Juju is this now? Mesmerising me via facebook after a decade!
But I don’t feel guilty.
Why should I?
Thankfully neither of us has had the courage to request each other as friends…I’m glad. I know why he hasn’t, he doesn’t want to know if I’m with someone else…he told me that he’s single and he hinted at inquiring about my status and I didn’t respond. Why? I don’t know. Perhaps because in that space I didn’t feel like he needed to know more than he could see.
I won’t see him, he’s too far away and I’m not one of those people who gets hooked on cyber antics, I need to see people to get a connection. I know we’ll never see each other again. This isn’t some call for help. I’m a realist, we missed our chance and time has moved on.
But those “if only” orgasms are going to stay with me for a while…
6 comments On ‘The If Only Orgasms’ by Guest Contributor Lois Lagos
Some exes are dangerous o. Hmmm. I know I definitely have some exes that if I see, na wahala. Thanks for another good one Lois Lagos. Keep em coming
? definitely trouble…no wonder temptation is supposed to be a sin…
Stories like this make me wonder how many people are truly in love with someone else besides the man/woman they are with. 10 years is a long time for someone to leave you wet and dripping. FB is definitely a menace to relationships, I don’t even have one because I don’t want could of, should of guys reaching out to me. I rather never know!
Mmmmmmm now this must be a super hot ex that fills u with nothing but good memories!! I like the part where Lois says she wanted to learn Portuguese just 4him and dpent money travelling to him instead of uding it t business. It really hit home, the sacrifices we make in the name of love lol!
If someone wants to find you they can – with or without facebook. Unless of course you don’t use social media at all! LOL!
Regina hit the nail on the head. No animosity just bad timing and life had to move on but mannnnnn LOL! If only!