How Important Is It To Feel Desired?

Last night, a friend of mine FaceTimed me in a heap of tears. She had already informed me that we were going to “cry together” on the phone, but I didn’t take her seriously. Socially, she is a stoic sort of woman, almost to the point of being frigid; except in the bedroom. Between the sheets she is a Balrog. She glows, she’s ferocious, she’s insatiable. Or at least, that’s what she’s told me. (I’ve never slept with her, so I can’t verify these claims at all.)


So when her eyes began to water in earnest, I panicked. What could be wrong? Her economic situation has turned around drastically in the last year. Her child was doing better in school. She had just purchased a new home with her partner of two years. What could possibly be wrong, I pressed.

“I don’t think D, desires me,” she wailed.

“Okay…That’s a tough one. Have you asked him?”

She nodded and whimpered balefully. “He said he does…’sometimes’.”

“Well, that was honest of him…”

I was scrambling for what to say next. This is not a problem I was accustomed to addressing, and I didn’t want to mess it up for her while she was in such a vulnerable state. Finally, I watched her fight back tears for a little while longer before I asked,

“Is everything else okay in your relationship? Are you having sex at all?”

“Yeah. We’re having sex.”

“But only if YOU initiate it?”

She nodded and bit her lip. I could see she was clearly struggling with this new confrontation…something I personally had never faced before. She added that when she brought up the topic to her boyfriend, he retorted that this was all in her head. Furthermore, there was no passion in their lovemaking. There was intercourse, ejaculation and maybe a sandwich afterward. On the other hand, he was being much nicer, more helpful around the house, and trying to get his act together professionally.

I looked at my friend – the lingerie model, I might add – dropping these words through perfectly painted burgundy lips and dribbling tears through eyelashes to die for. What man wouldn’t want her?

Finally, I had to admit that I had no sage advice to help her turn around her situation. I only suggested that she keep a tally of how many times she had suggested sex versus how many times he initiated and show him the results in a pie chart or bar chart or message scrawled out in the sky at the end of the month.

“Guys need a picture, sometimes.”

“And I like data.”

She was smiling.

My kids ran into the room and spared me from dragging the conversation longer. I told her I was available to talk whenever she wanted.

I wanted to be more empathetic to her cause, by in all the years of my marriage (or even in my dating life), I have never felt undesired by the man I’ve been with. In fact, it makes me quite uneasy when my husband stares me down as I undress and makes repeated efforts to rumble our sheets when all I really want to do is binge watch ‘Quantico’. This has also left him of the opinion that I find him ‘undesirable’, a notion I find myself frequently debunking. And like my friend’s boyfriend, I am open to having sex if he initiates it.

But then that got me thinking: How important is it to feel desired by your partner? In all our conversations over the many years on Adventures, I don’t think we’ve ever explored that. I believe we’ve approached each encounter (whether erotica, creative non-fiction or otherwise) under the presupposition that both parties are mad and hot for each other. But how much damage can it do to what is otherwise a “fine” relationship if one person feels just a’ight about the other where ardor is concerned?

What advice would you have given my friend…and have you ever been/known someone in her situation before?

11 comments On How Important Is It To Feel Desired?

  • Mmmmm must have been an awkward conversation 4real!! Being desired can also create a feeling of acceptance and love for some. I feel that being desired is important to me because it makes me feel confident, naughty, willing to get crazy and I will be honest,sometimes I feel a sense of power of some sort, knowing that im the reason someone can’t function lol!
    As for advice,maybe find new ways to have sex, do away with routine even if you are married, create room for impulsive spontaneous fucking,in the kitchen,lounge, office, hotel, not just the bedroom.also find out what it is that turns him on lately, pple change as they grow or as responsibility mounts, learn each other all over again and explore. Sometimes we might think he or she doesn’t find me desirable yet maybe his or her libido will have waned due to age, stress levels or workload.

  • Thanks, Regina! This is great advice. I figure it’s probably due to a change in appetite on his part. They aren’t married – and as much as we’ve been indoctrinated to believe that marriage is the end of sex, I’m surprised they aren’t going at it more often!

    I’ll pass your wisdom along. 🙂

  • This post made me think of how I have always felt desired by my partners but not always expressed the same level of desire back for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I think its because some partners do not give you the chance to express desire, they are always ‘on you’, so you barely get the chance to miss them,and sometimes their horniness is a permanent state of mind whereas I can for e.g. be a tad horny but too tired to want to do anything, or it seems like too much effort or I’m feeling bloated so not feeling as sexy etc.

  • It’s not a good feeling at all and it’s terrible when you have kids. There isn’t really an appropriate “remedy” for this. It sometimes make you fake orgasm. She should try and find what makes her feel excited. With me, it got to a point that I had to reminisce about an ex. She should address it with him and if she has already done that…she should find what makes her happy. Life is Short.

  • feeling undesired is a hard one…but I learnt that if the partner is the unexpressive non nagging type, there might be something that he isn’t happy about that he’s decided to ‘get used to’ or ‘let slide’ and the reaction could lead him to assume a passive role and therefore seem uninterested. He may choose to wait till she decides to initiate anything and that would not mean he longer desires her, he just probably wants to let it happen on her ow terms. there is almost always an answer..has she been too busy? has she inadvertently waved off his advances? do her times seem like the only appropriate times?

  • She should make him feel undesired as well. Let’s see how that works, when the tables are turned.

  • Trust AM to come with the fiya! LOL!!! That’s a good one.

  • I can relate to that awkward conversation she had with her man, had one not too different myself a couple of relationships back, and yes, it is as unsettling as she describes it. The only upside is that it forces you to take a long hard look at the relationship and that’s almost always a good thing.

    Disclaimer, my good hard look resulted in the end of that relationship, so take everything I say with a heap of salt. Ha!

    “Men want to be loved, women want to be desired.” I heard that on TV once and it stuck. Can your friend feel loved without feeling desired/desirable? That’s what it all comes down to, how she feels and what she wants. After that they can figure out how to fix what’s going on with him or between them.

    I hope this was helpful.

    PS. Nana, I’m out of the shadows, finally. *smiles like a creepy stalker* *no, really…* 😀

  • Well now women want to be loved and desired.

  • Infidelity isnt an option btween married couples with kids. If not i would av advised her to get a ‘safe, responsible, and clean regular dick’ for the time been. When he realised the scores av been settled nobody would tell him to up his game. Guys hate it wen someone treats their gurl better than them and she starts to look like she doesnt gve a fvck anymore. She is a lingirie model after all. I mean what more could you want. Or am i just been a pervert

  • Extremely important. How anyone can be intimate, and enjoy said intimacy, with someone who does not make them feel wanted/desired is beyond me.

    A huge part of my enjoyment of sex is mental, getting THAT look that tells you he/she is mentally undressing you, hearing them tell you all the dirty nasty things they want to do to you, and FEELING that they can’t get enough of you, the mere presence of you makes them feel (insert own adjective).

    I’m not deluded and I know the level of physical attraction I’m trying to describe isn’t constant for everyone and most people’s sex lives have their ebbs and flows…but there has to be something.

    My immediate thoughts after reading the story is that he might have something going on on the side, but that is me being assumptious (is that a word?).

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