I will not be having a lot of sex in 2020. I am 2, 351 miles away from home and from the love of my life. It doesn’t seem like that far, but when you factor in my schedule and the astronomical flight fare back home, you realise just how wide an ocean is. I do not mind being in a long-distance relationship, heck, I am better at it than most people. What I do mind is the series of unfortunate events that lead me here. After grappling with my sexuality for years, after working hard to rid myself of Catholic guilt, and after finally finding someone I want terribly, I find myself in a place where I can’t enjoy them.
I remember my first orgasm vividly, though at the time I had no idea what it was. It was in boarding school, and I had stumbled upon a book that was a far cry from Ivanhoe or Harry Potter. I barely understood half of what was happening, but I knew on some level that it was naughty. I remember that I was alone in the classroom that everyone had gone off to lunch when it happened. It was one of the naughtier scenes, the ones that flew over my head. Reading it, a sensation, too many sensations coursed through my body. I gripped my desk, wondering what was happening. Parts of me I couldn’t name were throbbing. My body was engulfed in a sea of deliciousness that I couldn’t explain. All I knew was that I wanted it to happen again. And so it began: I would find naughty books, squeeze my legs really tightly and go back to that delicious place. As my body returned from that peak, a sensation I would recognise by the insistent throbbing, I would begin to pray fervently and ask for forgiveness. For years, I associated sex with sin, and orgasms with guilt.
When people say that we reach our sexual peak at 30, I believe them. I am now twenty-six and I can’t really say that I have enjoyed sex until 2019. Not that that had much to do with my age. I think it had everything to do with Catholic guilt and low self-esteem. I didn’t feel at home in my body, so it felt strange to enjoy it. Stranger still, to invite someone else to enjoy it. The older I have gotten, the more open I have become to loving myself and my skin. The more I love myself, the more I enjoy sex. I think it only gets better from here, and that makes me very excited for 30 and the promised sexual peak. Imagine all the things I will know then! This is not to say that I am putting my body into storage until thirty. Far from it! I plan to enjoy the journey there. To have as much safe, consensual, wild sex as I possibly can.
Which is why it makes me a little sad that I won’t be having a lot of sex in 2020. I am in a monogamous, long-distance relationship and I won’t be seeing my girlfriend as often as I would like. That isn’t stopping me from thinking about the sex I want to have this year. If anything, knowing how rare and far-between those moments will make me want to be more intentional about them.
In 2020, I want to have intentional sex. I want to be wild and passionate too, but the most important thing for me this year is intention. I want my partner and me to discuss and show each other the kind of pleasure we are seeking. I want to voice my desire and fantasies as opposed to just writing about them. I want to set out with the intention to enjoy sex as opposed to chasing after an orgasm. I want to listen to my partner, so together we can create an environment where we both feel free to seek out pleasure. I want to be greedy in 2020. I want to have the sex I dream about but have been too scared to pursue. Power dynamics, butt stuff even. I want it all in 2020.
And what more…
I want to feel present, and in the moment while having sex in 2020. I want to build a relationship of trust with my body. The kind of relationship I want to have with pleasure is that of love. I want to give in uninhibitedly to pleasure, not afraid of the drop. With my orgasms, I want to be curious. To explore all the different ways my body can bend to pleasure. To learn all the different orgasms this body can have. I want pleasure to find me in 2020, pliant, willing and ready to give in.
Writing about it is the first step to making it happen. I hope I have the courage I need to see to my needs.
Wish me luck!