I was in my first year of university when I owned my first toy. I was always that girl everyone knew to be sex-positive, open and free about sexual health and pleasure. So when a classmate felt ashamed that her friends bought her a vibrator for her birthday, I was the first person she thought to give it to. And of course, I put it to good use! I had been sexually active for two or three years by then but had never introduced toys in the bedroom. (I mean, I was still a broke teenager in my defence!) I was always more than content with the kind of sex I was having, partnered or solo, but my world was never the same after experiencing my first squirting orgasm with Aquilla. (I named her that because she was a blue, dildo-shaped vibrator with a dolphin-shaped clit stimulator. Plus, she gave me a-killa orgasm).
Thus, I began a completely new journey of self-discovery. I started becoming fascinated with the many and different ways my body was able to experience pleasure and I was awestruck by the many kinds of orgasms I was able to have. I started exploring what it meant bringing in other objects and playing with the senses in pursuit of pleasure, and discovered that what I knew was only the tip of the iceberg – although it does feel rather appropriate to say, I only knew the tip of the clit, with a whole other 7-10 centimeters hidden inside my body.
Over the years, I’ve shared my own journey and the lessons I’ve learned in sexual health and pleasure with those around me and in my community. Eventually, I decided to pursue this journey professionally so I could be better equipped to help and support people. By the time I graduated as an internationally Certified Sex Coach, I had already worked with many people, helping them expand their ideas of self-pleasure, intimacy and sex. Sex toys have been at the heart of that discovery.
Sex toys, and pleasure products in general, have allowed previous and existing clients permission to really explore what pleasure means to them, outside of the phallic-centric and penetration-focused ways we’ve been taught about sex. New erogenous zones have been discovered, different types of orgasms have been enjoyed and sometimes, we even make some incredible breakthroughs confronting certain traumas using these products. When clients consult in hopes of finding a new toy, often the focus is on enhancing their pleasure or spicing things up with a partner. In this article, I wanted to touch on other benefits to sex toys that we may not always consider.
1. Your overall health
Sex and orgasms are nice, we all know this, but we seldom talk about how necessary they are to maintaining our general health. In the same way moving your body and getting some exercise in is good for us, so is keeping our reproductive and sexual organs oiled up and running. Regular sexual and pleasurable activities, not just orgasms, keep your blood flow going and maintain your muscle strength. If hubby is too tired from doing house chores, it doesn’t mean you don’t get to have your share of healthy, sexy body care. Pleasure products and sex toys allow you to take charge of your health without having to wait for, or pressure a partner. That deep breathing is good oxygen for your brain, and those happy hormones are also great for your mental health
2. Decreases performance anxiety
Most couples I work with have admitted to having sex out of obligation sometimes, in fear of disappointing an eager and wanting partner. I appreciate the desire to show up for your partners, but most of us can admit, that the idea of somebody having sex they don’t want to have, just to make us happy, is not sexy or comforting. This is where having a personal assistant in the bedroom comes in handy. If you are too tired to sustain an erection, that’s OK! Bring out those dildoes and play with your partner, or enjoy a steamy session watching them pleasure themselves. Pleasure products give us opportunities to still be intimate with ourselves and our partners within the capacity we do have.
3. The endless possibilities
In nature, playing is not only for fun, but it helps animals and humans discover life skills and other new, cool things about existing. It’s the same with pleasure and sex. Playing (and I really mean playing) with yourself or your partner is a low-pressure way to explore your body, what it can do and feel. Sex toys are incredible in this regard. With the different shapes, sizes, textures, sensations and intensities, you’re bound to discover an erogenous zone or pleasure pattern you’ve never considered before.
Especially in my professional capacity, I know that the eleven types of orgasms that have been written about still do not cover the full pleasure potential of humans. There are so many ways to enjoy sex with ourselves and with our partners. We can absolutely explore these horizons with just our bodies, senses and partners. However, pleasure products open up the possibilities even more. The more you play, the more you discover what your body likes and enjoys. The more you understand your body, the better you can communicate your needs and desires. Pleasure products don’t have to be that expensive toy you have to order from overseas. Anything can become a pleasure product. That scarf in your wardrobe? Those ice cubes in the fridge? If you’re hating work right now, put that police uniform on for some roleplay and see if it doesn’t excite you the next time you have to get ready for a shift. Be creative. The possibilities truly are endless.
During the pandemic, we saw many lovers who lived apart using the help of long distance toys. There are some interesting ranges on the market that allow you to use apps to control your partner’s prostate massager, and even design and save a pattern that they can use later when you’re doing other things with your time. There are toys that can sync to your music, and some distributors even have community resource pages where you can upload and download other members’ vibrating sequences.
Many people have reservations about introducing pleasure products into their bedrooms or relationships. I’ve had clients worry they will be replaced by forever-erect dildos and never-tapping-out anal sleeves. This only happens when there isn’t adequate communication in the relationship, and when you leave your partner out of your adventures and pleasure as a whole. If anything, the experience of sharing something new and exciting together is extremely powerful in enhancing intimacy, as well as stimulating open, honest and sometimes very human and hilarious conversations about what pleasure looks and feels like as individuals in a relationship.
Even as a single person, there is a higher risk of you getting addicted to your wine than there is to your sex toys. The trick is to remember to add variety, sensuality and anticipation, even to your own solo play sessions, like when you’re having partnered sex. Our bodies are incredible – if your orgasms or the sensations don’t feel as powerful as they did before, simply take a one or two-week break and you will be back feeling like it’s the first time again. (Or, you might need to replace your batteries or cables. Just check!) This is a perfect time to try a new toy, or explore another part of your body to stimulate or play with. Remember, our bodies enjoy variety and can get bored with the same thing over time.
Now that you’re convinced that sex toys should be part of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, you might be wondering where to start. It can be overwhelming trying to choose something that is right and good for you with the many options available. Thankfully, we have distributors and consultants of pleasure products who can help you find a perfect fit (can you tell I’m enjoying all these puns??). While online shopping for toys is more popular, if possible, walk into a store and ask to feel the products you are considering buying. There are some yummy textures and shapes that might scare you online, but you could fall in love with, in person. If you’re too shy, sex coaches like myself are available to accompany you or even do your shopping for you. If you are coupled up, have the shopping experience together and make it fun. Name your toys, maintain and clean them together. Pleasure products can do more than just add some fireworks in a relationship. Squeeze all the fun out of it!
We have been socialized to have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our partners when it comes to sexual intimacy and pleasure. Like with so many other areas in our lives, embrace the strides that science and technology have taken to make our lives easier and more pleasurable. Sex toys and pleasure products can be great assets in a relationship, and they can help you take charge of your own pleasure as a single person. If you’re curious but still struggling to wrap your head around it all, you’re more than welcome to reach out in the comments section below for a chat and some support. It’s never too late to fetch your best life!