Guest Contributor K. DiDi on Pussy-Eating as a Labour of Love

If we weren’t living in a world of prudes, I would add pussy-eating to the list of hobbies on my CV. For me, pussy-eating is an exciting thing to do and I want the whole world to know about why I love it so.

Pussy-eating is fun, but it’s not something to be approached lightly. It is very serious business; it is art and it is science.

It is also, for me, an expression of the deepest love. I will never “go down” on anyone I am not in a serious relationship with. If it’s a fling or one-night stand, sorry, my tongue will not get anywhere near your pussy. This is the first cardinal rule of eating pussy. If you want to know how it feels to have any one of the venereal diseases you better get it from someone you love. Then, in case the disease takes you to the other side, you can proudly tell Guy Gabriel at the Pearly Gates that you died for love.

Commitment also comes in quite handy if your partner’s pussy happens to give off a stench (almost) like a gutter in Nima. Even if the pussy doesn’t smell so bad on its own, the stench from the adjoining opening could be a major turn-off. In such cases you need a very high level of deep-seated pussy-eating commitment to satisfy your woman with your tongue.

The first time I ate pussy, I was appalled by the smell exuded by the object of my affection. She was a woman I loved. Deeply. Thankfully, she loved me back more than I did her.

We were watching a porn flick (she referred to it as “mpanyinfo cartoons” – cartoons for adults). One of the most legendary porn stars of all time, Ron Jeremy, was eating the pussy of a black chick.

My girl-friend (let’s call her Deedee) turned to me and asked, “have you done that before?”

I wanted to lie but I thought better.

“No,” I said.

“Do you want to try it,” she asked again. “I think it will be nice.”

“Why not?” I responded, wondering if I was going to make a good impression.

Then Deedee started unbuttoning her jeans trousers. My mind was racing – fast. We had been together for just about two months and I didn’t want to disappoint. She sat on the sofa, spread her legs and beckoned me to get to work. I obliged. To say I was shocked by the smell from down there will be an understatement. But that was when I learned that pussy-eating is a labour of love.

I was down there for some about twenty minutes – having to come up occasionally for some fresh air before diving back down there. I wasn’t pleased with my performance but Deedee seemed happy. She was glowing as she told me about how delighted she was to have broken my pussy-eating “virginity”. That was when I realised if you eat pussy and eat it well, you can win a lot of brownie points from your woman.

From then on, I set about to perfect my art and to understand the science that makes a pussy buffet such a delight for women. It’s been one of the most fulfilling journeys of my life. I’ve watched countless movies (seen the worst and best pussy-eaters in action), read a lot of materials (in books and on line) about the subject and I have come to the conclusion that the pussy loves the tongue more than the dick. It’s true.

There isn’t a woman I know who doesn’t like to have her pussy eaten. Apart from pussy-eating earning me brownie points every now and then, I realised that it is easier to get a woman into bed if she knows you have a good track record as a diligent, unselfish and result-oriented pussy-eater.

To achieve such recognition you need to observe a few protocols.

First of all, you need to understand that not all intimate encounters should end with a dick in a pussy. Penetrative sex often leaves women frustrated and unfulfilled.

“Penetrative sex is a chore,” a female friend said. “That’s why most women fake headaches.” I agree with her.

You see, you cannot manipulate the dick to give the pussy half the excitement the tongue brings. So every man should be able to tell his partner, “baby, lie down relax and let me please you. I am going to lick you and even if I don’t dick you, I’ll be fine.” In other words, eating pussy is not a means to an end. It can be an end in itself.

The second pussy-eating protocol to observe has to do with the aroma from below. Never tell your woman that you don’t like how her pussy smells. Do that and you risk never being allowed to “boogie down” again. You can use your dick but your nose will never be allowed anywhere near the “18”, lest you complain about the smell again. And since the nose and tongue often move together, that means you will be denied the pleasure of eating pussy. If you want to eat pussy, you must like the smell of pussy down there. It might not smell like sweet nectar down there but you must like it. Don’t wince. Don’t block your nose. Don’t talk about it. Don’t suggest douching. Just eat it! And make sure you enjoy it.

Thirdly, you must realise that pussy-eating is tough physical work. If carrying bricks is back-breaking, pussy-eating could leave you with a broken neck. This is something you can avoid – but not entirely. To forestall injuries while down there, you need to make sure that you are comfortable. Kneeling with your torso bent to eat pussy is not a good posture. It is better to lie flat on your tummy and raise your head to face the object of your affection. The risk here, however, is that in the throes of excitement your partner might wrap her legs around your neck and as the excitement builds up, she might inadvertently break it. So be on guard. But know that it’s okay to throw caution to the wind whiles eating pussy. If pussy-eating leaves you with a broken neck, don’t lose heart. Don’t despair. Tell the doctor you were eating pussy and wear the collar he’d give you as a medal for great accomplishment.

Finally, you must learn the science of eating-pussy. Watch it on video and read about it. It’s more fun than rocket-science and you should have no difficulty understanding it. The key thing to bear in mind here is that the pussy is a very delicate organ. It very easily gets sore and if you acquire the reputation of a man who brings pain instead of pleasure, your pussy-eating days will be numbered. To avoid this, you need to know the pussy like you know your dick. For your woman to continually want your head between her legs, you must be able to write a doctoral thesis on the ‘structure’ of the pussy and how it functions. This is common sense. If you want to enjoy tilapia, you must know the bony parts so you either avoid them or know where to pick. The same applies to the pussy.

You should know where to touch, when and how. One of the best rules to bear in mind is to never touch the clitoris with your dry fingers. Make sure to lubricate it first. You need to touch the clitoris to gently peel (or lift) the hood so that you can work your tongue on what lies beneath, which is really where you should focus the greatest attention. Bear this in mind: just as you can’t get to a car’s engine without opening the hood, your oral explorations will not yield any gems if you don’t lift the hood of the clit.

And, for God’s sake, don’t rush. You can eat waakye in a hurry. But not the pussy. You can dick a pussy in a hurry. But never lick it in a rush. You can’t have a pussy-eating quickie and so when it comes to enjoying a pussy buffet, you need to take time, relax and eat slowly. If all men learnt to eat pussy and eat it well, I am certain no one would complain if I put “eating pussy” on the list of hobbies on my CV.

By K. DiDi