How did you become so bold in writing about sex?

A reader of this blog asked me ‘So, how did you get so confident?’. I guess what she really meant was, how did you become so bold in writing about sex? The fact is, I don’t think it’s confidence that has led to me writing about sexuality. I think my motivation is a continuation of my politics as a feminist. I think women have the RIGHT to have great sex and I think a lack of knowledge prevents a lot of us from having great sex.

There is also a lot of silence about sex (I have to point out that I am speaking from my personal standpoint). My sex education as a child was primarily from watching Obraa or Osofo Dadzie (popular Ghanaian TV when I was growing up). Inevitably a teenage girl will fall pregnant, have to drop out of school and that would be it for her. She was not going to be a successful doctor, lawyer, teacher… she was going to be a teenage mother. The unspoken message was that her life was over. All as a result of having sex. The boy on the other hand could continue his education…and could still be a successful doctor, lawyer, teacher…

At this juncture in the programme my Mum would screech ‘Have you seen, have you seen, hmmm, if you become pregnant you will stay at home and the boy will go to school‘. The fear of becoming pregnant, being unable to continue my education and the stigma associated with being a girl who sleeps around kept me a virgin for a long time…there was nothing in my sex education about contraceptives, masturbation or pleasurable sex.

How did I learn about sex? Primarily from books, articles in magazines and eventually when I started having sex from trial and error. I still think I have a lot to learn about sex so I plan to continue reading and experimenting. I also hope women share really useful knowledge they hold about their own bodies and sexualities such as ‘Do you have vaginal orgasms?’ or ‘Clitoral orgasms?’. Does one feel better than the other? Do you have a guaranteed way of achieving your orgasm(s)

What are your thoughts?

9 comments On How did you become so bold in writing about sex?

  • A surefire way for me to orgasm is by clitoral stimulation. I can’t say I’ve ever had a purely vaginal orgasm. Clitoral stimulation followed (at just the right moment) by vaginal penetration results in what (i think) cosmo calls the ‘blended’ orgasm; slower, less vigorous and perhaps more intense than the clitoral orgasm.

  • I don’t think talking or writing about sex improves one’s sex life. In my experience, the people who talk a lot about sex get the least sex. I like what you said about experimenting (I hope you meant experimenting with ONE partner; if not, that’s OK, too).

    What kills great sex: women’s magazines, TV and pornography. And, NO, I’m not a woman.

  • Anon – talks for the feedback and tip. I am definitely going to write a future post on clitoral and vaginal orgasms.

    HNG – I agree that talking or writing about sex exclusively does not improve your sex life. You cannot talk yourself into a great sex life. I think what one can do is learn what works and doesn’t work for you … practice makes perfect? In talking about experimenting I was thinking about one partner. In my experience the more comfortable/open you become with your partner the better your sexual life becomes. However you can easily fall into a routine which can then become boring.

    Hmmm, I am interested in other people’s thoughts about what kills great sex. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Are there any other takers?

  • I love your attitude girl!!!!! Anyway my two cents as a female and a mother, I absolutely agree with your philosophy. This Christmas it gave me great pleasure to tell my mom that I was planning on emulating her style when it came to sex education and discussions on sex. My mom’s technique was very effective, she didn’t give me that tired, stale and highly impractical if not hypocritical “only bad girls have sex”…….or “there is great honor in waiting until marriage”…..or “do not bring shame to this family.” Instead she appealed directly to my self esteem: she told me that I was beautiful and intelligent, and had all the potential in the world, and should not be cavalier about making decisions that would both degrade who I was as a person and bring me great dissapointment through unmet expectations. She also told me not to be foolish enough to let somebody else rob me of my joy. Case closed. For a party animal like me, and someone who was very sexually curious, it made me think a lot and choose my associations very closely because then I became more worried about denting my reputation as a strong, independent, fearless woman! 🙂

    For my 2 year old, I plan on continuing the same philosophy: telling her that her sexuality is wonderful and beautiful and powerful. And that it has much to do with who she is a person and consequently she must not be cavalier about making decisions that might do her no justice. Sex is good, sex is beautiful and sex is powerful…….it requires a level head, a healthy dose of self esteem and mutual respect. End of sermon.

  • more power ‘orgasmic’ power to you!

    i’m reading…


  • Hey Sijui – Thanks for the feedback. Glad to hear that your daughter will be getting some positive sex education.

    Novisi – Thank you for reading. I appreciate the support

  • FANTASTIC! I love your honesty and openness – its all about letting go of taboo and cobwebs(literally for some!)

    Thanks for sharing..

  • Ronke, thanks for the support.

  • The African concept of sex is that it should be within the confines of marriage. Growing up sex was referred to as “bad manners”. I am totally against the way we are taught to view sex!!!! Look at the HIV/AIDS statistics, higher in relation to other more liberal continents! I would love if we could just be candid and tell it like it is. We should not be shamed about talking about sex! Urrrgh! My peoples, my peoples my peoples!!!!!!!!!! Could write a book about the myths of sex in Africa!

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