Sex tips for women who sleep with women or chronicles a la “share and share alike”.

It’s official. The results from our first poll are out and those who voted want us to blog on:

1. More sex tips and techniques
2. A good sexual encounter
3. Diverse sexualities
4. Some facts/research on sex

Thank you to all those who took time to vote, we shall aim to please.

Fairly recently one of our readers asked if any of us have ever “experimented” with women and requested for a post on “Sex tips for women who sleep with women” or chronicles a la “share and share alike”.

There are some “issues” that I only realised were “issues” when I went abroad to study…racism and lesbianism being two such examples. In Secondary School I had no concept of “lesbianism” although I kissed girls in school…In my school we called our girlfriends “dears”. You usually had a senior who was your dear and someone in your own year who was also your dear. In my experience, when it came to relationships with your senior “dear”, you didn’t have much of a choice. I remember one such senior writing on a blank sheet of paper, “Will you be my dear?” There were two boxes and I had to tick Yes or No. Trust me when I say you did not easily say No to ANY Senior so I did what I thought was the smart thing and put a tick somewhere between the Yes and No box. I never had a sexual relationship with any of my senior “dears” but I definitely had relationships with my peers.

In hindsight much of these relationships were rather gauche…I don’t remember ever achieving an orgasm (this is probably very limited thinking. Does every sexual encounter have to end in an orgasm?). I remember Girl A and I hanging a sheet over our bunk bed and kissing in the dark after lights out. I remember Girl B and I meeting in the extremely disgusting bathroom and rubbing against each other. I also remember Girl C and I fingering each other. (As an aside, I hate the word “finger”, it sounds so crass. Any good alternatives?) When I left my single sex school my experiences with girls ended.

Personally I am always slightly suspicious when people (especially Ghanaians who went to single sex schools) express strong anti gay opinions. I doubt if my experiences of boarding school were radically different from the experiences of my compatriots. Fast forward a few years and I realise that it is considered quite scandalous to have sex with women (I am thinking of Ghanaian society in particular but not exclusively). I agree with theorist Simone de Beauvoir when she says:

“…homosexuality…is an attitude chosen in a certain situation – that is, at once motivated and freely adopted. No one of the factors that mark the subject in connection with this choice – physiological conditions, psychological history, social circumstances – is the determining element, though they all contribute to its explanation. It is one way, among others, in which woman solves the problem posed by her condition in general, by her erotic situation in particular.” (de Beauvoir 1997: 444)

In other words you become lesbian/gay/homosexual because you make that choice. I am fully aware that a lot of lesbian/gay/homosexual people believe that is inaccurate but personally I come from the social constructivism school of thought. I just find social constructivism more liberating than biological determinism.

So back to me and sex with women or a lack of after boarding school. I think I ended up in sexual relationships with men because that is what is predominantly presented as the norm. I am also (and I know this will come as a suprise to some of you) fairly passive when it comes to picking a sexual partner so I tend not to go “chasing” after partners . I prefer to have someone “pursue” me so I have the luxury of saying “Yes I like you”, or “sorry I am not interested”. I know, that is not very liberated but for me it makes life so much easier. I have never been chased by a woman (at least not in a fashion that I recognise as the traditional sexual pursuit dance) but I have been chased by men so that is the sex I have said “Yes” to, at least so far…

How about you? Have you ever had same sex sexual encounters/relationships? Would you ever ? I think it was Alice Walker who said “Oranges are not the only fruit”?.

Nana Darkoa

12 comments On Sex tips for women who sleep with women or chronicles a la “share and share alike”.

  • Nana – i am the anon that asked for “sex tips for women who sleep with women”. kudos on the blog as a whole, i’m enjoying it immensely. a few questions/comments on this specific post:
    1. were your secondary school experiences all embarked upon under duress? were they ever enjoyable? do you think these relationships were merely a result of the single sex environment (hormones raging and no boys around)?
    2. i hate the word ‘finger’ too 🙂 ‘touching’ is the euphemism i use although it might be a little vague.
    3. i have had a few (alcohol driven) sexual encounters with women in college and lesbian sex features often in my fantasies. i consider myself mostly heterosexual, and maybe a little bi-curious (whatever that means). my two cents: i think women are better kissers and more sensitive lovers – perhaps because the whole thing doesn’t have (male) orgasm as the ‘finish line’. i shared with an african friend that i had gotten drunk and made out with a girl once, to which she responded: “are you serious? you, an african?” so i know what you mean about that deeply ingrained collective frown upon homosexual behavior in our culture.

  • yo! sweet exposition!

    First my only sex tip for the women who ‘do’ women is for them to look for men like me…

    as for me i LOVE (with capslock on…hehehe) that word ‘finger’ bcos i have a whooping 10 ‘fingers’! wow!

  • Hi Anon – Glad to hear that you enjoy the blog. To answer your questions:

    1. None of the secondary school relationships were under duress. I was definitely a willing/active participant and the experiences were enjoyable. Were these relationships a result of the same sex environment? I think so…

    2. ‘Touching’ is definitely a nicer word than ‘fingering’ but somehow doesn’t quite capture the act I had in mind 🙂

    3. Thanks for your two cents and I appreciate you sharing your experiences. Speaking to many of my female friends I have realised that many more women are bi-curious/bi sexual.

    Novisi – Thanks for reading and your tip. I doubt if its one that ‘women who do women’ will take up but hey that’s your opinion.

  • Whilst I have never had a sexual experience with another female, I have certain had dreams to that effect during which I felt very aroused. However, after waking up I felt a little embarrassed and slightly baffled as to the meaning of such a dream, as I have never had such desired in a conscious state…

    I agree with you in that sexuality is largely about choice, influenced by life experiences and circumstances. The best illustration of that is in same sex prisons where homosexual behaviour is very common even amongst so called ‘straight’ brothers. I also read an article recently which said that a large percentage of boys that are sexually molested as a child go on to engage in homosexual relationships later in life. I guess that in reality sexuality is a much more fluid concept, whereby the lines between gay, straight and bi are very blurred.

  • Freud wrote in his “Interpretation of Dreams” that “every dream is the fulfillment of suppressed or repressed wish. Just something to think about in relation to anon’s above comment.

  • ‘Touching’ is definitely a nicer word than ‘fingering’ but somehow doesn’t quite capture the act I had in mind 🙂
    That was what I had in mind.

    About lesbianism, life is all about choices.

  • A bit late to add a comment to this post, but here’s my pennies worth – I’m not sure I agree that homosexualities are about choice, it’s more likely in single sex environments people are liberated to express parts of themselves they wouldn’t otherwise express..on the word fingering, I wonder if the word ‘feeling’ would be closer to what you have in mind, Nana? BTW – I am so impressed with this blog, truly inspiring….

  • Hey Dele,

    You know what they say about “better late than never”. Mmmm, that’s an interesting argument and one that I haven’t heard before. Thanks for sharing and thanks for the compliments

    Nana Darkoa

  • Hi Nana – Kajsa (our fellow Ghana blogger) actually sent me to find this post – though I am already an avid fan of your site and have you on my notable sites list!!

    I wrote a post recently about the Supi phenomenon in Ghana – which you have called ‘dears’. I was pointing out the juxtaposition between this reality and the strong anti-gay christian sentiment in Ghana.

    How would you feel about my taking your enlightening perspective here, and quoting on my site???

    Keep up the great and important work with this blog!!!


  • Hi Holli,

    Awww thanks for having me on your notable sites list. I have also added you to my Google Reader – checked out your blog and its very good.

    Feel free to quote away…

  • well i’m pretty late discovering this blog. its very refreshing to find like minded individuals who speak so freely and openly abt homosexuality.
    i think i’m bi-curious. i have crazy girl crushes and love lesbian porn.

    Having never been off the shores of Ghana, you know the general perception about these things, so i’ve never really talked about it to anyone.

    For just the opportunity to post this comment here, i’m so happy. I’m hooked.

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