I found myself getting irritated Saturday afternoon, I was at my favourite Auntie’s grooming & nails centre (Q’ticules & Nails, 8 Volta Street, Airport Residential) and the radio was tuned to Joy FM which was transmitting a live feed of the presentations being made at their Bridal Fair. I hadn’t been irritated throughout the presentations. In fact I had enjoyed the presentation by Bernice Sam who spoke about the legal aspects of marriage and reminded the audience and Joy Fm that the Bridal Fair needed to be more diverse in recognizing that in Ghana there are 3 legal forms of marriage – traditional, Christian and Islamic. That led me to turn and say to my mother, “If I get married again, I will only do a traditional marriage.” My mother’s response? “Its all marriage”. My Mother wants me to get married again, I’m not quite sure why. In fact I think I am. I guess she feels I would be happier with a husband, she also wants a grandchild(ren) and would prefer this child to be born within the ‘sanctity’ of marriage.
So back to the source of my irritation, there was this man who was doing a presentation on sex/giving advice on sex to couples about to get married and he was getting me really wound up. I didn’t catch his name or his designation but I just kept thinking ‘is he for real?’ ‘ is he talking about sex in this day or age?’. I have to paraphrase what he said, but the comments that stuck in my head was:
‘ Some men will want their wives to do perverse things like putting their penis in their [wives] mouth’
‘ Women your responsibility is to initiate sex’
What? Is there something wrong with oral sex? Shouldn’t both parties initiate sex at will?
In my opinion his presentation on sex was archaic to say the least. So here’s my advice on sex to couples about to get married:
• Do get tested for STD’s and sickle cell. Yes you may still decide to get married even if you are both sickle cell carriers for e.g. but at least you will be in the position to think through your options.
• Do talk about sex with your partner. This is applicable whether you are a virgin or not. Talk about what you like, what you do not like, what you would like to experiment with, and your absolute no no’s. Yes this talk includes discussing the ‘perverse’ things you want your partner to do to you – like oral sex!
• Decide what contraceptive methods you would like to use – and indeed if you would like to use contraception. Do seriously consider if your partner is likely to be 100% faithful to you if you decide not to use barrier contraceptives. In many African countries, marriage is a risk factor for HIV/AIDS.
• Consider whether you and your partner sexually compatible. I am assuming with this question that you have engaged in pre-marital sex and if you haven’t, what will you do if you discover that you and your partner are not sexually compatible?
• Continue talking about sex during your marriage. Let your partner know if/when you get bored, when you want to ‘switch things up’, when you go off sex.
• Make time for sex, make time to have sex in new places, go away on dirty weekends…
• Be a modern couple. Do not leave all the ‘housework’ to your wife yet expect her to be energetic and ready for sex whenever you are
I could go on and on… so I won’t. What would you add to this list?
22 comments On Sex Advice for Couples about to Get Married
I’m was also married once … traditionally.
What I’d add emphatically is, let Ghanaian/African men know that after childbirth, there IS NOTHING WRONG with the pussy!
Given anything, it’s tighter …
Ghanaian men who date me tend to ask, so how is your pussy?
I say learn, or read about what a woman goes through in childbirth, and what the medical does to ensure that her sex life is not affected afterwards, and stop dreaming of loose, hanging, useless vaginal walls, dammit!!
Also very important to discuss is how the sex will be during pregnancy, when there are now children around (how do make time to enjoy your sex with the little ones around), and how to keep the sparks alive even when the woman is stressed with the family life.
These were not the cause of my divorce, but thinking back, I realise that, our sex lives were rather affected negatively in the first year after my son’s birth … and I also realise, neither of us thought about that aspect of sex when we were getting married!
My 2 pesewas.
This is a nice post!
I agree quite 100% with what you’ve said. Excellent, excellent post….. and I feel sorry for that dude’s wife……
@Golda – I can’t believe people have the nerve to ask ‘how’s your pussy’? Oh my goodness! Hmmm, reminds me of my recent pregnancy scare…I shall have to blog about that one of these days. Was a tad concerned about how it would affect my sex life…but for the record I’m not pregnant, so all’s well….
@Joliea – Thank you but you gotta say more. What’s nice about the post specifically? You know I love feedback 🙂
@Darian – 100%? Thank you. In that case I guess you get let off the hook. Lol! I hadn’t even thought about that dude’s wife. He made some comment about he had to complain because she started wearing ‘bola’ panties and asked her to go back to the ‘bikinis’, which got me wondering, ‘How come guys just wear any old boring underwear but expect us to wear sexy scraps of nothingness’?
I’m totally in love with this. Oral sex and what is the man saying??? Apuutor. He should try it then he will change his mind. lol. I love this one
You know what I mean Nana.
I meant the advice is really good. I don’t have much to say.
Nana D: they do! I asked one of them where they get the courage from to ask me that, and he frankly said, “Well, you’re young, independent, you look fantastic, your body’s in shape … but you’r a single mother, and we want to know where the catch is!”
I was flattered … but still didn’t see why most young/unmarried Ghanaian men think giving birth is equal to loss of vagina. Lol!
You … i keep telling you to stop getting scared about children. But u should share your pregnancy scare with us … I’m curious. love.
What wld he say to anal sex, water sports etc? Lol! I’m quite disappointed in Joy for actually allowing such a person on their panel! He is either a hyppocrite (in that case, who was he kidding?), or sooo out of touch, he shld be sent back to Bedrock!
My tuppence on marriage: make the effort ref sex! I am guilty of only wearing my tattered old nighties when am home. My wake up call when my husband complained and he rarely does so I was def upset with myself! Both of you shld not assume that the chase is over after u exchange rings. Don’t lose that urgency with sex; do it like u might not do it again. Easy to think ‘oh there is tomorrow, or the weekend’. I never thought my sex life cld dwindle down to once a week eventho he was sleepin by me each night. When either of you loses focus on the physical n intimacy issues, that cld hurt your marriage.
Also remember he is not perfect, just as u aren’t. But lose yourself as u bend backward trying to please him all the time. Make sure ur needs are met as well, be vocal
I meant ‘Don’t lose yourself as u bend backward trying to please him all the time.
Nana D:
Sounds like this is your man:
http://news.myjoyonline.com/news/201007/48688.asp
k.
I love your site, and I loove this post. Really appreciate your tips especially the dirty weekends one. That really got me excited since hubby n I just bought our first car.
lol @ Kofi Amewee fishing dude out.
this is what you get when you have people trying to hard to set rules.
just a bowl of crap.
@Nana Yaw – Hahahah – maybe he has tried it ooo
@Joliea – 🙂 Thank you
@Golda – Na waa oooo. Hmmm, I was actually broody a few weeks ago ooooo but the ‘broodyness’ has gone now. I shall blog about the ‘pregnancy scare’ as soon as I get some downtime 🙂
@Dede – Very useful tips, thanks for sharing and THROW out those tattered nighties – for your own sake not so much hubby’s. Out of curiosity does he make an effort in terms of what he wears to bed?
@Dede – I couldn’t agree more!
@Kofi – You super sleuth, you!
@Kyutipye – Yay!!!!Let me know how the dirty weekend goes 🙂
@Novisi – Ermmm, ok, thanks for commenting 🙂
Well, his aren’t tattered but you have to agree that they don’t have much variety when it comes to ‘exotic night wear’. LOL.
I sometimes fail to take off these tattered nighties during the day on weekends. … A lot of us are guilty of that; we stop making the effort
Thank you very much Dede!!!
My advice to any couple is: Talk to Dede.
Show me a man that gets more sex than he can handle from his wife, and I’ll show you a woman who’s husband works hard to never let her down.
Regarding the the pastor’s comments. All is not lost yet. I’m proud of you Nana D for accepting invitations to go on air. Keep doing what you do.
It’s about time people recognized traditional marriages as an equally viable and legally-binding form of marriage that would also allow us to do away with the excessive expenditure and pageantry associated with Western-style weddings. In my view it makes most marriages start off on a stressful note. Just my two cents!
More at omanbaforum (google us!)
i think u should take a look at this “Couples or any other consenting adults who have sex through any other ‘route’ other than through the vagina are flouting the laws of Ghana.
This was revealed by a lawyer and criminologist, Prof. Ken Attafuah, in an interview on Joy FM’s Super Morning Show on Thursday.”
http://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/artikel.php?ID=185838
never knew Ghana is living in a dream world.
Yep, Ewiase, we are living in a dream world in more ways than one.
@Golda: I wonder what your response is when you’re asked that question about your “pussy.” Do you take umbrage? Do you consider it a mischievous question? Do you humor the questioner?
I find it rather bold and disquieting that the question is asked at all…
Kofi Ametewee: The first time I was asked, it was couched in somewhat polite terms, and done with a lot of s3bi-s3bi. I was very taken aback, so told him off.
But after a few quite, uncomfortable moments, I realised how defensive that action was, and decided to take a stand, not just to declare the notion wrong, but also to stand up for young, single mothers who might be in my situation (of being prejudged).
So I told him to go read, or talk to any medical doctor, and come back to me … then I’ll tell him.
The very few other times I was asked, I told them it was the wrong notion, and also told them to ask any medical doctor colleagues about the issue.
I always found it discomforting those few times. Who wouldn’t be?
There was only one idiot who actually asked rudely, the pussy version … and he got what was coming to him.
@Dede – The crux of my comment on men’s exotic nightwear – or the lack of it – is that somehow men are not portrayed as needing to do much to attract women sexually whereas the emphasis is on women to try hard to be sexual – loose weight, wear sexy nightwear, etc…or maybe its ‘the commercialisation of sex’…hmm, that sounds like a good blog topic
@ Mike – Thanks for the compliments. Sometimes I am reluctant to go on air to talk about sex. A small part of me doesn’t want to be boxed into a ‘sexpert’ box and is just happy to be online but i acknowledge that speaking up on air is important too
@ Omanba – The whole expensive wedding thing i don’t get too…thanks for the comment
@ Ewiase – Aren’t these laws part of the colonial laws we inherited from the British? I wonder how more diverse/open our laws will be if we re-write them
Great article, just want to add. Plan to have lots of sex too.
The Joy FM guy I wont be surprised fantasises about these “perversion” all the time. Hypocite.Even in a relationship, we do need this reminders from time to time…the sex at times gets boring.