Guest Contributor Ms K: Dear God, please help me keep my legs shut…

Hello Diary,

Here we are, AGAIN!! I guess I should officially give up on relationships. I’m definitely terrible at choosing the proverbial ‘right kind of guy’. Mr. K. Boy oh boy. Has he turned out to be a nightmare!! So me sitting there wondering all the time if he had actually broken up with Miss A. And being sure he was lying to me, then being willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Even when I thought they hadn’t broken up completely, I sort of imagined that at least they had broached the subject and perhaps she was having a hard time letting go and he was in turn being considerate or something like that…Turns out the concept had never even come up and the marriage is a full blown discussion with a budget and venue and ring and dress selections ongoing / completed. It’s quite a shocker. I guess despite myself I really wanted to believe him. And I fell in love.
I’m a bit confused now though, and truly truly wonder how all of this was meant to play out. I’m not even sure what I wanted to write anymore. How the whole relationship started? Or how it continued and then ended? Do I even care to recollect? Or why or how he’s happy to not have spoken to me or checked on me? I really did believe he loved me.  Guess I got punked! Except that it hurts quite badly. Hmmmm.
My cousin seems to think I should tell Miss A about the whole ‘affair’. But I’m not convinced that its my place to tell her and I’m not convinced it will make any difference. Which will probably annoy me more. But I do believe she should have a realistic knowledge and understanding of the man she’s about to marry. I hope someone else tells her. Or I guess I was only warned because I wasn’t going to be the one being wedded and since she’s being wedded that’s all that counts.. That’s a school of thought, but one that I hope is never used to withhold information from me.  Ignorance is not bliss in this case.
Thanks to God I still have some very solid friends who have just held me together and kept me from breaking. And a mother who is completely amazing in her love and support. I’m a little surprised that Mr. O hasn’t checked on me either. Guess he can’t understand or see how much I must be hurting. I’m sure it’s been downplayed quite considerably to him. Guys. They always betray you.

So moving forward, what do I want to do? I want to be left alone. No chasing from anyone for any reason. But I can’t control that. I can only control the level of access I grant people. So that will be the first point.
Then I want to focus on my career – where am I? Where am I going? Where do I want to go and what will it take to get there? It’s just excellent that I’m on leave now so I don’t have to deal with work immediately. I’ve got a few days left at least. Then my humble plea and prayer: Dear God, please help me to keep the lessons I’ve learnt from all my past relationships, to keep my legs shut, to commit my heart and life to you and to focus on you. Truly you give us instructions for our own good. And please help me not to feel like I’m not good enough for anyone to marry me. And to not compare myself with other women, whoever they may be. Give me grace Lord, that I may be gracious in all things and with all people, and give me strength Lord, to obey your word and keep myself in you.

So reviewing my past relationships to try to understand what role I played in their failure :
For sure for sure I need to stop having sex at all, or so early in the relationship. Don’t let that whole liberated, modern people crap get into your head. It’s a lie!
With my previous ex I was not looking for a life partner when we met. I was ready to be in a relationship but I was not interested in marriage. Which is why when I started to seriously evaluate what I wanted in my life partner I found him so sorely lacking.
All relationships before then were either out of boredom, awwww they like me so much, or bottom line, boredom in one form or another.
With Mr. K I’d really thought through what I was looking for, and I knew and understood what made me feel happy and loved by my partner. And I was in a good place when we met. Happy and confident and surrounded by love.
And he appeared to be all the things I wanted and then some. But I guess I forgot to sincerely pray about it and take my time to think through it properly and ask myself and him hard questions. I allowed physical things to come in too early and cloud my judgement. I didn’t actually seek God’s face about it before taking the plunge. I set some arbitrary conditions and didn’t even seek proof to ensure they had truly been met. I looked at what I saw on the outside and completely forgot that it is only God who knows the heart of man. Thank you God for showing yourself strong in my life. For forgiving me, over and over again and for loving me. Thank you God that when I pray you answer me, and provide direction. I pray that Miss A prays too and you reveal things to her. If this man will bring her sorrow please protect her and keep her from committing her life with him, if he will however change and commit to being good to her then please let the marriage go ahead. All things Lord we know work together for those who love you. I pray for her dear God.
And as for me, I pray that you heal my heart Lord and save me from myself and my emotions and insecurities about if I’m good enough or not. Help me to remember who I am as Your child and value myself accordingly. Teach me to be wise to keep myself in Your love. Teach me to be patient and to wait on You and to look to You in all things, at all times, especially when I think I’ve met a nice guy, or that I’m in love. And thank You for giving me my instincts which have always proven to be right. I really should trust my judgement more, even when it’s not telling me what I want to hear, perhaps, especially then. Thank you God that the sun will shine tomorrow, and may Your will be done in my life, ALWAYS.



8 comments On Guest Contributor Ms K: Dear God, please help me keep my legs shut…

  • Aww I’m so sorry that the son-of-a-bitch broke your heart. I guess as they say, you must kiss several frogs before you meet your prince. Look at it in this way, I know you were in love with this guy & everything but seriously, if he was planning to marry Miss A & dating you at the same time, then he’s a douchebag & you really dodged a bullet by not marrying him. A guy who can do that is likely to cheat when you marry him & can you imagine how miserable it would be to be married to a serial cheater? You’ve done the right thing by not telling Miss A- for all you know, she may know that he was cheating but she’s choosing to be with him- either ways, her relationship isn’t your headache. I think you should just cut both of them out of your life & focus on yourself & getting your heart healed. Best wishes. Oh & PS: please don’t deprive yourself of good sex just because you think that will drive a man away. That’s BS. If a guy truly loves you, he’ll marry you whether you dropped your pants on the first date or you remained a virgin till marriage. After all, I’m sure you know of several instances where men wifed prostitutes so….

  • *sending you hugs*

    This is so sad, I can feel you pain and you will get over this and in time you’ll wonder what you ever saw in him and you will forget the love you had for him.

    I agree with Ekuba, you dodged a bullet when you are feeling down try to remember that. Walk away tall and don’t say anything to fiance because this louse will just twist things around to his fiance and you’ll come out looking like a bitter somebody. Collect all your dignity and pride and soldier on, it’ll be hard but you can do it. I do disagree with Ekuba with regards with regards to sex, I understand why you want to close your legs and the reasons have nothing to do with a guy but everything to do with you. Like you I decided in my first year at varsity no to open my legs frequently, I can go for years without sex the last time I had sex was 5 January 2011. Sex is more than a physical act, its emotional as well and you don’t want to share your emotions with just any random cause most of them really don’t deserve it.

    As for you not being worthy, babes you ARE worthy and you WILL find marriage. What happened is no reflection on you, every man has their own flavour, eg some like hot girlfriends while dating but decide to prefer plain wives, some marry ‘loose’ women, some like bossy women-you were just not his flavour or you were out of his league or it could be he’s just a plain old a*hole.

    • @ SA Girl, hahaha, I can’t believe that I’m advising people to have sex when I wrote a long post on being celibate a few weeks ago ( In fact, I’m going to give up my celibacy very soon the way I’ve given up going vegetarian after doing it for some months- sometimes meat is too sweet hahaha). Look, this is what I think: All of us- male or female- have the right to decide when to have sex. And so I have no problem with any woman deciding to have sex or abstain because THEY don’t want to maybe because they want to experience an emotional connection from sex (like you mentioned) etc. My problem however is when we women decide to abstain because 1. We think it’ll help us to secure a husband 2. We think the reason why a relationship failed is because we screwed the guy. My first problem with all of those viewpoints is that men never seem to have them! How come it’s mostly we women who lead the ‘celibacy brigade’? How come men are not coming out to say ‘I’m keeping my legs closed because my last relationship failed due to the fact that I screwed the woman too early’? Doesn’t that indicate that there’s something wrong with the equation? By the way, how many men are abstaining? And if there are so many women abstaining (some of whom are in relationships with men) & very few men abstaining, doesn’t that mean that some guys are dating ‘abstaining women’ & screwing behind their back? My second problem with going celibate in order to keep the relationship is that even if a guy marries you because you delayed in having sex with him (or didn’t have sex at all), what’s the guarantee that after marriage, when he gets the sex, he’ll stay with you? In my former job in Ghana, I mediated several matrimonial disputes involving men who married their wives because the women didn’t give it up before marriage & a few months after the wedding (once the men got the sex they wanted), the cracks started to show. In my opinion, any man who will marry a woman based on how long she held out (from having sex) has a Madonna-whore complex & is likely to marry the ‘holy woman’ & then screw behind her back when they get married or get bored as soon as she gives him sex in marriage. I saw several instances of that in my former job as well 🙂

      • You’ve said some amusing things but I’m scared of laughing lest I look insensitive.

        Yes babes, you are hundreds- witholding sex is an ineffectual non-guarantee strategy: men are patient beings, he will wait for 5 years if he has to and the day you give it to him can be the last time you ever see him. I always advocate people to satisfy themselves and do what feels right for them because at the end of the day when those lights go off and the tears hit the pillow the only person who’s there is you.

        Don’t get me wrong I’m not a nun, just cause you’re not sexing doesn’t mean you can’t have fun there are other ways to relieve sexual tensions. And just cause I haven’t had sex for 2 years doesn’t mean I’ve been single for 2 years. I broke up with my then bf on 6th Jan (I slept with him 2nd week of our r/ship-he was HOT! and had the body of an underwear model with tats all over-I absolutelty had to!!! Initially I never planned to or to date him but that night he slept over my place and when he took off his tee as we were getting ready for bed I wanted that body all over my body) on 5th jan, the idiot used my laptop and forgot to logout, following day I accidently found an email from another woman so I started googling him and discovered other things like he had a wife and 2 kids in Swaziland! So I dumped him and met my new bf on 7th Jan (yes, I’m that fast) and we broke up officially last Feb (we’d probably still be together if I hadn’t moved cities). Our r/ship was somewhat celibate as we never had penetrative sex or got naked but we had fun in a lot of other ways. He once nearly cheated on me but when it was time for him to penetrate he stopped and came to me to confess. Obviously I was not impressed but I forgave him cause he didn’t have to tell me, I would never been the wiser although when he met the girl I did notice he’d changed a bit but I thought it was because he was losing interest in me. He brought up marriage twice in the time we were together but I’m not eager to get married anytime soon and he’s an Arab Muslim who planned to go back home one day and wanted a Muslim wife. When he suggested I convert to Islam I knew happily ever after was not for us as much as we were attracted to each other and the thought of living in a foreign country where I’d probably be the only black person for miles wasn’t appealing because that would mean I’d be at his and his family’s mercy. People are different, couples are different-limiting my carnal exercises works for me, in the 15 years I’ve been dating I’ve been cheated on (to my knowledge) three and a half times (the half being the arab)-its not fail safe but it makes dealing with s**t easier for me cause most times I can walk away knowing he never got the best of me.

  • Dang, reminds me of two different experiences I have had. With the first, he asked that we keep the “relationship” secret. Alarm bells rang in my head and within 3 months dude cam down to marry the girl he allegedly broke up with. With the second guy, we had had a fling about 4 years before and he came around when I had just broken up with my ex. He came to my apartment wanting sex, weirdly i just made out with him and sent him home drank. I told my bestie (male) who advised me to keep my legs firmly closed. The idiot got engaged at the weekend to the girl he had denied. Apparently, she was even pregnant for him. I have been celibate since, 3 years and counting. Will only give it up when I get married. There are way too many shady guys out there.

  • Loving the commentary. I definitely did dodge a bullet there. Its been about six weeks since i made the discovery and i’m in a much better place.
    My decision to hold out on sex is also because i feel i’ve stayed in relationships in the past simply because we’d had sex and i wanted it to mean something. What i want to do moving forward is to take my time to get to know some fundamentals about the guy. Sometimes within a few months you can tell in your heart of hearts that you’re with the wrong dude.
    Mr. K in this case gave me solid reasons why the relationship wasn’t going to work. We went to church together, even fasted together (turns out he was fasting with Miss A too) supposedly praying for the relationship and our future. So even when i doubted him i considered all the things we did together and kinda felt that ‘surely no guy will go all that way simply for sex!!’. Maybe one of these days i’ll narrate the entire relationship – he was literally the most amazing guy i had ever been with, attentive, caring, sweet, firm, Christian, and lets not even talk about the sex. He had me screaming literally every time we did it. ( i had to pause there and bring myself back from dreamland). The real alarm bells came when he had all sort of perfect reasons why i still hadn’t met his family. It kinda made too much sense and kept gnawing at me.
    I think i’ve overcome some of the insecurity issues. But i’m taking my time to heal and love myself..

  • Aww, come for hug. Take the time you need to grieve, and then move one. You are worthy of love, and you will find it in Jesus’ name. Say amen…

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