Here we are, AGAIN!! I guess I should officially give up on relationships. I’m definitely terrible at choosing the proverbial ‘right kind of guy’. Mr. K. Boy oh boy. Has he turned out to be a nightmare!! So me sitting there wondering all the time if he had actually broken up with Miss A. And being sure he was lying to me, then being willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Even when I thought they hadn’t broken up completely, I sort of imagined that at least they had broached the subject and perhaps she was having a hard time letting go and he was in turn being considerate or something like that…Turns out the concept had never even come up and the marriage is a full blown discussion with a budget and venue and ring and dress selections ongoing / completed. It’s quite a shocker. I guess despite myself I really wanted to believe him. And I fell in love.
I’m a bit confused now though, and truly truly wonder how all of this was meant to play out. I’m not even sure what I wanted to write anymore. How the whole relationship started? Or how it continued and then ended? Do I even care to recollect? Or why or how he’s happy to not have spoken to me or checked on me? I really did believe he loved me. Guess I got punked! Except that it hurts quite badly. Hmmmm.
My cousin seems to think I should tell Miss A about the whole ‘affair’. But I’m not convinced that its my place to tell her and I’m not convinced it will make any difference. Which will probably annoy me more. But I do believe she should have a realistic knowledge and understanding of the man she’s about to marry. I hope someone else tells her. Or I guess I was only warned because I wasn’t going to be the one being wedded and since she’s being wedded that’s all that counts.. That’s a school of thought, but one that I hope is never used to withhold information from me. Ignorance is not bliss in this case.
Thanks to God I still have some very solid friends who have just held me together and kept me from breaking. And a mother who is completely amazing in her love and support. I’m a little surprised that Mr. O hasn’t checked on me either. Guess he can’t understand or see how much I must be hurting. I’m sure it’s been downplayed quite considerably to him. Guys. They always betray you.
So moving forward, what do I want to do? I want to be left alone. No chasing from anyone for any reason. But I can’t control that. I can only control the level of access I grant people. So that will be the first point.
Then I want to focus on my career – where am I? Where am I going? Where do I want to go and what will it take to get there? It’s just excellent that I’m on leave now so I don’t have to deal with work immediately. I’ve got a few days left at least. Then my humble plea and prayer: Dear God, please help me to keep the lessons I’ve learnt from all my past relationships, to keep my legs shut, to commit my heart and life to you and to focus on you. Truly you give us instructions for our own good. And please help me not to feel like I’m not good enough for anyone to marry me. And to not compare myself with other women, whoever they may be. Give me grace Lord, that I may be gracious in all things and with all people, and give me strength Lord, to obey your word and keep myself in you.
So reviewing my past relationships to try to understand what role I played in their failure :
For sure for sure I need to stop having sex at all, or so early in the relationship. Don’t let that whole liberated, modern people crap get into your head. It’s a lie!
With my previous ex I was not looking for a life partner when we met. I was ready to be in a relationship but I was not interested in marriage. Which is why when I started to seriously evaluate what I wanted in my life partner I found him so sorely lacking.
All relationships before then were either out of boredom, awwww they like me so much, or bottom line, boredom in one form or another.
With Mr. K I’d really thought through what I was looking for, and I knew and understood what made me feel happy and loved by my partner. And I was in a good place when we met. Happy and confident and surrounded by love.
And he appeared to be all the things I wanted and then some. But I guess I forgot to sincerely pray about it and take my time to think through it properly and ask myself and him hard questions. I allowed physical things to come in too early and cloud my judgement. I didn’t actually seek God’s face about it before taking the plunge. I set some arbitrary conditions and didn’t even seek proof to ensure they had truly been met. I looked at what I saw on the outside and completely forgot that it is only God who knows the heart of man. Thank you God for showing yourself strong in my life. For forgiving me, over and over again and for loving me. Thank you God that when I pray you answer me, and provide direction. I pray that Miss A prays too and you reveal things to her. If this man will bring her sorrow please protect her and keep her from committing her life with him, if he will however change and commit to being good to her then please let the marriage go ahead. All things Lord we know work together for those who love you. I pray for her dear God.
And as for me, I pray that you heal my heart Lord and save me from myself and my emotions and insecurities about if I’m good enough or not. Help me to remember who I am as Your child and value myself accordingly. Teach me to be wise to keep myself in Your love. Teach me to be patient and to wait on You and to look to You in all things, at all times, especially when I think I’ve met a nice guy, or that I’m in love. And thank You for giving me my instincts which have always proven to be right. I really should trust my judgement more, even when it’s not telling me what I want to hear, perhaps, especially then. Thank you God that the sun will shine tomorrow, and may Your will be done in my life, ALWAYS.