‘Bi curiosity and brothels’ by Guest Contributor Kagure Mugo

I have felt compelled to write this after I have heard the phrase ‘when I visit you I want to eat a lesbian’ one too many times.

You want to eat a lesbian when you visit?

I’m sorry what?

Would you like a side of fries with that, does this look like a fast food joint to you?

It would seem that with the popularity of bi-curiousity, all straight women who have a friend who is not straight suddenly seem to think that they are some sort of pimp with a little black book full of women at their disposal who they can just assign at a moments notice?


‘Oh you are into the more strong silent type? Ah yes Njoki will be just great.’

‘Wena, you’re into the femme fatal vibe huh? Don’t worry Nondumiso is JUST the one for you.’

Step up step and enjoy Kagure’s Candy Carnival! Something sweet for all tastes! Do not worry oh straight ones your magical experience is just at their fingertips. Please do not let the fact that I am in a long term relationship and know mostly couples and straight women get in the way of your notion that I must have a selection of succulent sweeties somewhere in my social sphere just waiting to have a wild night with you.

How about, no?

Although sarcasm is the lowest form of wit it is much needed in this case.

Ladies, a woman sleeping with other women does not mean she will sleep with you. Just like in the heterosexual world, there are a whole host of things to consider the most important of which is ‘will she even want to sleep with you’.  This approach is one rooted in an idea that is problematic on two fronts: Number one, all people who aren’t straight are promiscuous and number two they all want to sleep with you personally.

To play devil’s advocate to my own argument, there is the idea that having this wild little side fling will ensure that nothing ‘dramatic’ happens if the set experiment is in a controlled environment. Using a careful balance of heteronomativity, distance and a ‘whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’ mentality this could actually be explosive in a good way. Everyone walks away satisfied and happy. However this, like any other experiment can go catastrophically wrong and everyone involved (including your resident pimp) could end up with chemical burns.

From personal experience I have known the sting of an experimentation gone array. Rewind fours and a half years to 2009 and what started as wild weekend ‘bachelorette’ weekend with one of my bossom buddies and her two friends ended with me in an 11 month emotional rollercoaster masquerading as a relationship filled with fights, flights and all the drama that would make for a good season of reality TV. Yes it made me deal with my sexuality and start to figure things out, but truth be told it was a sink or swim situation. Much as it ended up as a fairy tale, it could have just as quickly become an on-going nightmare with me battling my inner demons. I just got lucky.

The fact of the matter is that one must be cognisant of the fact that sexuality is potent and powerful and if you play with it you may find yourself of the wrong side of an orgasm. I feel that sometimes people think that sexuality is something that can be played with when you are not straight. For example with the ‘so do you have a crush on me/am I your type?’ conversation. There are cases of women (and men) thinking I am attracted to all women purely because I have slept with women.

Let me tell you about another conversation I had one sunny Capetonian day:

‘So me and my girlfriend…’

‘Oh! you’re not straight?’


‘So would you want to sleep with me? As in, am I your type?’


‘What?! I’m offended.’

*cue shock and outrage.*

Let me take a moment to state that being of an alternative sexuality means that you are not allowed to have tastes and preferences. It is not such slim pickings that any crumb we are given we shall wolf up like a starving child. And thus we cannot and will not just be pawned off to everyone woman with a fantasy in her head and wetness in her loins. Being into women is not a lifestyle it is a life. It has a whole host of considerations and dimensions that your particular brand of horny may not fall into.

Question: Do you go up to your guy friends and say ‘damn it, I just want ANY man tonight. Find me one. You must know one.’ If you do, more power to you. The vagina is a muscle like any other and needs exercise. If not, don’t come around here with all of that. Yes it may not always be easy to find women who are not ‘straight’ (especially if you are looking in all the wrong places) but this does not mean that every woman who has ever been with another woman will automatically be with you. The pickings are not that slim. Women who sleep with women, have tastes and preferences, they have commitments. Shoot, they may just not want to have sex. So keep in mind my friends are not my stable of ‘studs and bitches’ for you to play out your vacation fantasies. And I am not a madam, mostly because I do not have the requisite outfits.

So to answer your question, no, I don’t have a lesbian friend whose face you can sit on this weekend on your trip down.

P.S: Kagure blogs regularly at HOLAAfrica! A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective

lesbian photo credit (Nana Kofi Acquah

17 comments On ‘Bi curiosity and brothels’ by Guest Contributor Kagure Mugo

  • I loved this post, and it reminded me of one that Voluptuous Voltarian wrote a while ago about an awkward one night encounter with her queer friend. The reality is that there are a lot of bi curious women out there, and when they want to express that curiosity they feel they can only do so with women that they know to be openly (or maybe not even openly) lesbian/bisexual. Because of this blog, I have also been at the tail end of such requests 🙂 So I very much identify with Kagure. I’m wondering what the thoughts of other women are? Are you bi curious, and have you made a move on a queer/lesbian woman? Are you a lesbian/queer woman who has been hit on by a bi curious woman? What’s been your experience? Let’s talk

  • Well, I hit on you Nana, so you know the answer to that one.

    There were salient points raised by this piece. I could feel the authors anger and it made me think. I could also see things from the other side of things; bi-curious women largely want security – wild things happening in a controlled, non-judgemental environment and I guess for a lot of people that means going to straight-up lesbian chicks.

    On behalf of us all, I apologise for the assumptions we have made. I have never hit on a gay chick not thought ya’ll promiscuous because you’re bi or gay, not assumed you’d automatically be attracted to me, but I do suppose I have made some errors as well because of my own needs.

    • Lolllllllll at knowing the answer to that one from you Nnenna 🙂 Hmmmm, I have to say that somehow I don’t take the ‘cyber hits’ very seriously. Well I do, but not as seriously as someone who I physically know expressing an interest in me. Do you get what I mean?

      • Lol! Yes, but I was kidding about hitting on you. 😀 But I understand about cyber hits. If everything is virtual it makes it less real somehow.

    • I guess it would be easier to just ask a woman who is out rather than risk the rejection of an awkward moment with a straight girl and then have the ‘i am freaked out by this’ moment. But coming off as a madame can be taxing sometimes. Was fun in the beginning but then its like ‘ladies…please…this is not that sort of party.’
      It really is a matter of sometimes being accommodating and understanding that it is scary at times…and the urge can be overwhelming. There should be something like ‘be-friend a straight woman day.’ That is probably very politically incorrect of me but hey, what can you do? : )

      Nnenna get thee out there and hit on a non hetero lady. Now THAT is hot. Expecting a hook up by merely being around…not so much.

      • It was really painful for me when I came out to my friends and some of them started acting like it means I want to sleep with them or whatever but after reading this, I’ve realized that maybe it’s just the way a lot of straight girls think when their friends come out as bi or lesbian. My male friends on the other hand are a whole ball game. They think that because I’m bi, I’ll be ready to join them in a threesome or introduce them to a chick who wants a threesome. I’m like WTF?

        • I gladly didn’t really go through that with friends but it is where most peoples minds go, that now you are not straight you are a predator and game for any sexual adventure and I think that’s where it comes from, the idea of promiscuity.

      • Wait…I thought I WASN’T supposed to hit on a non-hetero lady? Isn’t that the point of this piece? I am confused.

        • lol @ Nnenna: she didn’t say don’t hit on us o! hahaha, that will be ‘spoiling the market’. I think she said 1. don’t take us for granted & assume that non-hetero girls will sleep with ANY woman & we don’t have taste/ a choice. 2.be proactive about chasing a non-hetero woman & boldly ask her out if interested & don’t expect another non-hetero woman to hook you up.

          @ Kofi Ametewee: welcome back ‘ Mr Ghost’/ where have you been hiding all this while? i haven’t seen you comment for a long time.

          • AH. I am obviously a dumbass. Thanks for summarising!

          • lol, of course you’re not a dumbass & you know that Nnenna! I think that there are some things that will be hard to know if you’re not of a particular orientation- so don’t feel bad. Example, because I’m bisexual, i used to think people were lying when they swore that they were attracted to one gender only. I used to say that it was just cos they hadn’t met someone from the gender they didn’t like that they were saying that. Now I know better. So we all learn something new everyday!

        • Ekuba is right the point of the piece is to not assume that you (as a straight girl) will always be hooked up. There is nothing wrong with the pursuit which may end in success or failure and then accepting that. Saying things like ‘find me a lesbian to hook up with’ like every none hetero sexual woman is just WAITING to hook up with ANY woman is the problem. That and using someone and their friendships as a hook up service is the point of the article. Its that idea that the women are just there to be hooked up with. BUT if you were to pursue the woman (and accept the outcome), that would be very cool.
          A dumbass you most certainly are not…my ramblings are sometimes very confusing.

  • Hey, it’s hotter than ever in here!!!!

  • Looove this post….makes so much sense. Thank u for letting them know

  • Hahhaahahhahahahah! Ok, let me behave myself and go back to work. 😀

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