He gently squeezed my breasts to alert me he was up. I felt him at first touch. I had laid next to him the whole night listening to him softly breathe, out of envy and anxiety. It was our first night together and I envied how he just managed to doze off. Men can fall asleep anywhere without notice. I wish I could have done the same. I had invited him over but he was still a stranger in my bed.
I turned to face him and met his mouth with kisses; morning breath isn’t a thing this morning. “Good morning” he whispered and smiled at me, kissed me and lifted me to lie on top of him. I had told him that I was disabled before we met so he knew that my movements were limited; I would need his assistance in bed.
“Tell me what you want me to do. I’m here to please you” he whispered again.
The light from outside was illuminating the passage from which we could hear footsteps; signs of a morning on the move.
“I just need you to balance me and help me with penetration; I might need more stimulation”.
I could feel his hands in my vagina, slowly rubbing on my clitoris. I might have let out a moan. I closed my eyes and focused on how good his fingers felt inside of me. After adjusting my body weight onto his, he helped me out of my night dress. My elbows got stuck in the strings.
“Don’t choke yourself” he said with a laugh at the action of wiggling out of the nightdress as I was disentangling myself out of it.
“I only do that with permission” I whispered back. I don’t think he heard me. I felt for the condoms I had put on his side of the bed earlier in the day and handed one to him. I watched him rip it open with his teeth.
“So men do use their teeth to open condoms. I suppose it’s better than no condom”. I am a talker during sex; I want conversation and feedback and sometimes a moan might interrupt the conversation. I haven’t always been a talker. Now, I think it is a comforting way of reassuring whoever is in bed with me that they are not hurting me; I am okay with what is happening to my body, as it is happening. He kissed me again and helped me settle on his penis. I could feel his hands rubbing down my back and waist, listening to him moan in my ear and let out a low sigh “that feels so good, that is my spot” and my mind wondered if the footsteps in the passage could hear us.
We should have slept in the other bedroom I thought for a moment. I’d hate to get a noise complaint. As these thoughts ran through my mind, I kept reminding myself to focus on the rhythm of the thrusts and kisses from him. Then came the post orgasm small talk while I was still sitting on him;
“So let me explain about my legs” I began.
“Where is your light switch? I like having the light on, so we can both see what we get up to”
I had left my bedside lamp on my dressing table. I hadn’t switched it on since I moved into my flat and in the first week I needed the light to see where I was going at night. It took a few days for me to navigate the dark without bumping into anything; another skill I’ve had to learn, navigating in the dark without needing the lights on. I switched on my cell phone torch and placed it next to my pillow causing the light to hit the ceiling.
We had to postpone meeting in person twice before we met that night. I had matched with him online and we had had good conversations. We had talked about what we liked and he sounded like he knew what he wanted and was sure about his ability to give me pleasure. He kept assuring me to relax and trust that we would both be okay. He hadn’t been with a disabled woman before but he said he knew and worked with other disabled people. He still recognised that I also need love and attention.
“I want to cuddle. I like being kissed and touched. I like feeling hands on my body and I want to be able to relax while I’m being held; to let my guard down” those were my requests before we met.
“I can definitely cuddle and I like kisses too. Physical contact is important to me” he’d responded and I unclenched my jaw, he sounded like he was a safe, mature man.
“You can always sleep in the other room should you ever feel uncomfortable about anything. Especially if something happens and you don’t feel comfortable, I don’t want you to feel forced to stay in my bed with me”.
“Why would I want to sleep in another room? I’ve been sleeping alone the whole winter” he replied.
I kept trying to give him a reason to cancel or excuse himself out of our date, out of imagined fears about what he would think when he saw me in my naked glory. It’s an insecurity I still need to work on. He picked up my nervousness and kept reassuring me that we can postpone until I was sure I was ready.
“When you get here tell security you are coming to flat number ****, they will let you in and you can use the visitors parking. Otherwise I will have to get you from the parking lot”, those were the instructions I gave him.
“I’m on the second floor and I think you need to come open the door. There is no security on the second floor parking base”
“I’m on my way” I responded, and rushed out of my apartment to go meet up with a stranger I met online.
I opened the main door to let him in, we waited for the lift and when the lift door closed, he turned and bent to hug me.
“It’s nice to meet you”, he said.
“Thanks for the visit”, I replied and we went into my apartment.
“Here is a towel for your shower and let me know if you need anything else. I’m going to wait in bed for you. It’s been a long anxious day”.
I pointed him towards my shower and backed into my bedroom, settling in and texting my friends to let them know that should I not be back online after 8hrs they must call the police. This was a last minute “security precaution” set up in case something went wrong. Trying to date is great but one can’t be ignorant of the realities of living in South Africa as a single woman.
I had my vibrators next to the bed, along with baby wipes, toilet paper, a towel and a gown. He mentioned how organised I seemed to which I responded, “It was the only way to minimise the anxiety. I had to control what I could. It’s a coping mechanism for me”.
“So what does this one do?” He had my massager in his hands and he switched it on. It vibrated and I explained that it says it has 50 vibration modes. I’ve never really tried them all. I can never keep count of the various buzzing options.
“Will we use it?”
“Let’s start with us first and see where it fits in. I miss penetrative sex and feeling another’s weight on top of me” I replied. It had been a long while since I had been with my partner and I missed intimacy in other ways.
He planted kisses all over my body, slowly going down my stomach and finally reaching my trimmed pubes. I felt his warm mouth on my clitoris and watched his shadow take shape on my ceiling, helped by the cell phone light he had asked me to switch on earlier. I raised my hips to shove myself against his mouth and felt the build up to an orgasm. Covered in self-consciousness, I pulled the pillow over my face and bit into it, hoping whatever sounds I was making would be muffled by my pillow. He came up to meet my mouth with kisses and I tasted myself in his mouth. I felt his penis under the duvet and he knelt to push the blankets away so he could put a condom on. I stared at him and hoped it wouldn’t be uncomfortable. I have noticed that I still have to work on my discomfort around erect penises. I know a lot of it had to do with me being out of the dating and sex scene for years, so committing to dating means getting over my fears of the phallic.
“That felt so good. I didn’t know I needed it that much. But we didn’t use your toys” he said.
“There is always a next time, if you come back that is” giving him the option to exit again.
“Of course I will come back, if that is what you want.”
“I would like you to.”
“We can arrange another date.”
“I would like that very much.”
We talked about the effects of the pandemic in our lives, both of us having been retrenched in our respective jobs and finding other ways to exist.
“I might stop talking once I doze off, please don’t be offended,” he said.
“It’s okay. I’d be surprised if you could stay the whole night. We are not 20 anymore”. We both laughed at the truth; bodies feel different after 35.
He pulled me closer and I rested my head on his chest. I listened to him doze off and counted down the minutes I’d need to go to the bathroom, wondering if my anxiety will keep me up like it usually does when I’m nervous.
“Before you fall asleep, if I get up during the night please don’t mind me, it’s how my body works.”
“Thanks for the heads up”, he replied.
When morning came and he went to shower I took my phone out and messaged my friends: “it’s okay, I’m alive and he kissed me without worrying about morning breath. I might see him again. I hope I do”.
“Tea?” I asked.
“No thank you, I have to run. I was supposed to be out of the house at 6am. Let’s talk on whatsapp.” He pulled his mask off and kissed me goodbye and good morning. After he closed the door on his way out, I went back to bed to catch up on sleep. After all, I was up the whole night because I struggle to sleep when there are other people in my bed.
“I should truecaller him because I’m not sure what his name is” I voice noted my friend before passing out.