Written by Vivian Oluchi
The orgasm gap, also known as the pleasure gap, can be defined, according to Wikipedia, as the difference in sexual satisfaction between heterosexual men and women.
Studies have found that the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women is wide, with many women reporting that they do not climax during sexual intercourse as often as men do. Unlike men, whom orgasm comes easily to, women usually need more specific stimulation to reach climax. Most times, the wrong buttons are pressed either because women don’t understand their bodies or their partners don’t fully have the knowledge of what gives them pleasure.
Study after study have shown that for many women, orgasm through the clitoris remains the most reliable source of orgasm. However, this might not be the case for some women who have undergone practices like Female Genital Mutilation (FGM). FGM involves altering, injuring, cutting or removing parts of the external female genitalia for non-medical reasons.
Beyond these harmful practices, another barrier exists, which is shame. Women are often shamed for speaking and engaging in sex freely, and this is especially evident when older women speak freely about sex. This is why it’s refreshing and liberating to see and watch older women speak openly about sex and sexual pleasure. This culture of shame and silence, I believe, is why a lot of women struggle with reaching climax and not knowing that their body is capable of intense pleasure. The orgasm gap is too wide for this stigma of shame to keep existing.
A recent viral video in the Nigerian internet space features a 53-year-old divorcee who said she still touches herself and makes use of sex toys. According to her, it’s important that women, especially older women, touch themselves. As lack of it “can cause them to be cranky”.
Sexual Wellness expert, Elizabeth Adewale agreed with this sentiment.
“Women should take charge of their orgasm. They should explore, touch themselves, and use sex toys, as these will not only help you understand your body better but also improve your sexual experience with your partner. Orgasm will also help reduce stress and anxiety and help you sleep better due to the release of feel-good chemicals such as endorphins, oxytocin, dopamine and prolactin,” she shared.
Dr Uju Anya, a university professor and researcher in language and identity, shared a similar thought: “Any woman who’s serious about having sex and about having orgasms needs to masturbate. I want women to take away the notion that masturbation is a violation of moral values because it’s 100% normal and a natural sexual behaviour.”
She further explained that this helps them know what pleases them and be able to communicate this with their partner.
“To close the orgasm gap, women need to understand what pleases them and how they can achieve that. Then, when they are in a partnered sex, they have to figure out what it is that they can do during partnered sex that will make them climax. I really want to emphasise this part because too often society tells us that sex is something done to us and that’s not true. Sex is something you have to work hard at and become skilled in, whether it’s with yourself or with other people,” she added.
Her points can be supported by some Reddit discussions in which some of the women attested that masturbating – either with their hands or sex toys – was the most effective way to reach orgasm, with Kegel exercises as the second most effective option.
Dr Uju also argued that women are very much capable of multiple orgasms, “you can keep climaxing as much as you want, as long as you are able to; all our bodies can do this. It takes practice and time. The consistent part about orgasm is knowing what it is that you can do to get you to orgasm and figuring out how to get there in whatever situation you are in.”
A creator, Mama P TV shared practical tips in one of her TikTok videos on how this can work without any feeling of discomfort. She explained that yes, women are capable of multiple orgasms but many women think it’s over once they climax. According to her video, It’s possible to still go on with sex after the first orgasm, but it helps to take a short break, have a shower, and ease back into foreplay. This way, the woman becomes aroused and wet again, making it easier to enjoy the sex and have another orgasm without feeling any pain.
To better understand how women can close the orgasm gap, I spoke with some older women who shared tips and sexual activities that help them climax. Here’s what they shared:
FONDLING/HEAVY PETTING
I’m a big fan of non-penetrative sex. Fondling helps me orgasm. It’s the stimulation of the genitals while kissing. For this sexual activity, the two partners are kissing, lying or sitting side by side and they’re touching each other at the same time.
- Elohor, 31
THE MISSIONARY POSITION
The intimacy and penetration from the missionary style are always effective every single time. The missionary position is a sex position where one partner lies on their back while the other partner lies on top, facing them. The partners are face-to-face, which allows for eye contact, kissing, and intimacy. It’s one of the most common and straightforward positions.
- Jewel, 32
THE FINISHER
My back is flat. He’s lying on me with my legs closed. This only works if he has a big and long penis or if he’s experienced. It helps me climax all the time because not only is the penis going in and out, it’s also rubbing my clitoris. We usually start off in the missionary style, then he carefully lifts his legs while adjusting mine so that they stay closed while maintaining rhythm, almost like he’s riding me.
- Rene, 42
CUNNILINGUS
My partner and I start off with foreplay, which includes breast stimulation. Then she stimulates my clitoris till I’m wet and aroused before going down and sucking my clitoris. I have a big clitoris, so my partner stimulates my clitoris the same way you stimulate a penis: that up and down movement.
- Anonymous, 40
THE ENHANCED DOGGY POSITION
One of my favourite positions to reach climax is the doggy style while I use my vibrator. Because in this position, I’m able to reach my clitoris. While he’s hitting from behind, I use my vibrator on my clitoris, and sometimes, he uses the vibrator on my clitoris. He’s also choking me and stimulating my nipples. This is one of my favourite positions because I always squirt and have multiple orgasms from it.
- Anonymous, 30
THE OYSTER
This is like the missionary position but with a little twist: your knees are touching your shoulders and your legs are closed together above your head. It’s the best when you do this position with a sex strap. I love it the most because there’s more access to the g spot compared to the traditional missionary position. Your partner can also touch your clitoris, touch, bite and suck your nipples, kiss you, maintain eye contact, use toys, etc. There’s a range of things that can be done while in this position.
- Anonymous, 30
FACESITTING
In this position, you position yourself above your partner’s face while your partner lies on their back. You position yourself in a way that your clitoris is directly in their mouth, allowing them to provide focused oral stimulation.
- Dr Uju Anya, 50
In many species, female bodies are capable of orgasm. Yet, human females struggle to climax during sex. To close the orgasm gap, women need to learn how to take charge of their pleasure by exploring their bodies and figuring out what pleases them.
