Recently, one of our readers (Naa) mentioned in a comment that she has been enduring what I consider a HORRIBLE ordeal for the last 11 years. Her husband, who I assume she has been committed and faithful to (she didn’t indicate that she has cheated on him), performs very poorly in the sack. Specifically, he is prone to premature ejaculation and has been for the duration of their marriage.
Now, what one person deems as “premature” ejaculation is subject to experience and preference in my opinion. It can range from cumming before there is any insertion at all (which has been my sad experience) to lasting only a few strokes once there is pelvic-to-pelvic contact. For some women, if a man cannot run on for 20 minutes of continuous ‘stroking’, he’s a poor performer in bed. I highly doubt that this is Naa’s problem. 20 minutes is an absurd amount of time to ‘take it’.
One piece of advice that Kofi Ametewee, who is a male reader, gave in response to the aforementioned post is that as a society, Ghanaians tend to focus too heavily on genital-to-genital contact. There are a myriad of ways to please your partner in bed. Sexual satisfaction for both can be achieved very easily with a few lessons, some books/videos, an open mind and trying new things. You can read several pages on this blog to find out what those might be. For this purposes of this entry though, I want to focus on something she said that was very worrying. BECAUSE the sex she’s having is so bad, her marriage is on the brink. Guys, for a woman to make this statement means there is a serious, serious problem going on in his briefs.
As a whole, women do not tend to get married to have access to regular sex. It’s a perk, absolutely, but what we look for in marriage is far more encompassing. We’re looking for companionship, a partnership and security (financial and/or emotional). I would highly encourage Naa (the 11 year sojourner), and any other woman who feels that awful sex is taking their marriage to the brink to sit down with their partner and honestly re-evaluate why they got married in the first place. Like any other relationship, marriages evolve over time. People change, but that doesn’t mean you have to grow apart from the person you’re married to. Rediscover what was so wonderful about the man/woman you married, outside of sex. Perhaps there are stresses in your partners daily activity that make him ineffective in bed? Perhaps he is worried about work and/or money to provide for the household? Or worse, perhaps he is so delusional that he believes the few quick strokes he is offering you in the sheets are more than adequate. Some men sincerely do not know how abysmal they are as lovers, and the only way to let them know is not to spare their feelings, but to firmly (but gently) let him know he is not satisfying you WHAT-SO-EVER.
So to Naa, and any other woman carrying this load of dissatisfaction around on her head, take heart. You and your partner can save your marriage. You might even benefit from talking to some old ladies in your family/community. Heaven knows they’ve lived long enough to have had good and bad sex and how to get good sex more often…And once most women reach a certain age, they are not shy to tell you about it.
13 comments On When Bad Sex is Ruining Your Marriage
This is absolutely one of my worst nightmares for when I get married (aside from my partner cheating on me). I couldn’t begin to imagine how that would feel like. I think your advice is extremely sound Abena. I know sex shouldn’t be the key element of your marriage but why suffer in silence through something that is supposed to cement your love for your spouse? I pray this woman gets some relief. And sooon!
Just curious, Naa, was he an early ejaculator before you got married, or did condition develop after marriage?
He is an early ejaculator and remains one at least my memory from the last time we had sex tells me so. He is a combination of both; cumming before there is any insertion at all and lasting only a few strokes once there is pelvic-to-pelvic contact. This is how bad it is and he sits there and thinks there is no problem at all. It is serious and killing me now.! I need help plz
Actually, I was trying to get at whether you knew about this condition BEFORE you got married. Did you have a premarital sexual relationship? Was it as unsatisfying as it is now? Given your comment about his penis being the largest you’ve ever seen, I’m assuming that you had other lovers before and experience to compare with what you were having with him. How did you rationalize marrying someone with whom you had so little sexual compatibility?
Secondly, would you classify your husband as both a lover and a friend, or is the relationship bad in every other aspect of your marriage? If he’s a friend, would he be receptive to your discussing this candidly with him? Is he violent? There has to be a trained marriage therapist of some sort in Ghana. Have you sought him or her out?
So Naa, you mean to tell me you haven’t told him in 11 years that errm, he does not doing you right? Have you sought medical help? Maybe it’s one of those that can be corrected but if it isn’t then I guess you could try to do other things like oral sex.
If you said vows to each other…the for better for worse kind, then you should just try to find a solution that works for both of you.
You’re such a trooper. Some girl would have left in year 1. I hope he realises how lucky he is to have you, and is perfect in every other respect.
From what I understand, she has done everything she CAN think of to do. One on one convo, asking for counseling and the like. He is just not willing to change. But Naa, what I sense here is that there are far larger issues than just the sex. Women are emotional creatures, men focus on aesthetics and the physical. I believe that your husband isn’t satisfying you in ANY of the other areas of your marriage, and sex is just the tip of the iceberg. Intimacy begins from the moment you wake up, and if he’s doing things to annoy you on a daily basis, that failure is only going to transfer into the bedroom.
I never recommend using sex as a weapon, but if I were you, I would cut off any pelvic contact until you guys work on the other areas of your marriage and express your intimacy in other ways. If you’re a Christian couple, perhaps you might pray more together. If you’re not, try playing squash or tennis together. Do something that takes your mind OFF sex for the moment and forces you to focus on each other as individuals exclusively. This is all assuming your husband is a reasonable man and a nice guy. If he’s violent and an a**hole, I say leave the marriage immediately. I don’t believe this is the case. I’m by no means an advocate of wasting precious time in the sheets. If I have to wash sperm off every few days, I want it to be well worth it. Good luck to you girl, and remember, the pair of you can save your marriage IF you want to. It’s never too late. You just have to agree to do it and both be on the same page.
Ok every guy on this planet has had premature ejaculation at some point in their life, it happens you see the pussy and you cant even lasts 2 mins.
Well 11 years thats alot so you must love him so its worth staying.
Every woman needs sex to balance the stress of life, my solutions get sex toys that are right for you, really not ones you would like ones that are RIGHT FOR YOU. let him use them on you before he even enters you, we are talking about him taking extra time to make sure you are enjoying it. Use very good delay creams on him 10 mins before any action and put a condom over his manhood to help make it less sensitive for insertion. Use orgasim gels to increase the blood flow to your pussy to help you hit that spot fast. Sex toys will not replace the real thing but they help.
If you are in an open relationship you can get a boyfriend but as this is GH thats not going to happen. Well am alway open to be rented 8 inches and a whole load of power. Ok no joke this is not too big of a problem as we make it out to be in our heads, its just a matter of combining the right solutions and you will be fine, its just a matter of balance. Look back at when you first started dating and compare it to now and see whats missing. Go out for a date bring the flame back, stop the same work, bed, sex. reprogram the mind. Its hard but its not imposible.
P.s someone might be sitting there waiting to have a guy like yours.
this is interesting.
My boyfriend and i had this situation once when we had been apart for a long while. He came before i knew what was going on !
But i told him right away that e performance wasnt quiet right.
Naa, u can try making love to ur man when he is not in e mood for it. Or when he least expects it. But make sure u are turned on somehow already. If u do him like that…:)
it will take him a while to tune in, and by the time he does and cums, u will be on the same plane with him.
Good luck babe. Bad sex can be frustrating. But when u love a man, u somehow manage to endure it. But dear, pls tell him in a nice way
Naa, bad sex is not good for neither you nor your husband; and this premature ejaculation problem, shouldn’t have crossed month 1.
This is a number of things I will suggest you do, if you want to save your marriage.
1. Have sex with him very often. Practice makes perfect is an advice that also applies to sex. Have sex when you feel like it but have even more sex when you don’t feel like it. I read a bit about him having a large penis. Men with large penis tend to be lazier and clumsier in bed than their less endowed counterparts. Because of the size of the penis, it takes them longer to recharge and come again. Have sex every day if possible and agree with him that until you orgasm, you won’t allow him to roll over and sleep like the lazy dog he is.
2. Give him a dry hand job during foreplay. No oral sex. Extra sensitive men don’t respond very well to soft, delicate touch. It quickens their coming. Rough massage burns and has a way of making the skin of the penis numb. You will be amazed how much better he will perform after some dry massage.
3. Reduce the moaning. Too much moaning (this is relative) ruins it for some men. Just as some men can’t handle a soft touch, some men lose total control when a woman moans (too much).
4. Have clinical sex with him. By clinical sex, I mean sex that is not sensual but rather medical. This is a good time to practice choking his penis just when he is about to come etc. If you wait till either of you is horny, you will get emotional about the bad sex. Bad sex is something you should be able to laugh about but that’s only possible when you are not really all charged up.
5. Remember the mind is the biggest sex organ. I have a feeling your husband knows he sucks and that psychologically isn’t very helpful. Watch your body language. Sex is really over rated. Reintroduce love, respect, affection, empathy and romance into your relationship and you will notice that increased self esteem comes with better sexual performance.
6. Sexercise a lot. Yes, there are certain exercises that either directly or indirectly boost better sexual performance. Information abounds online on these. The Kegel doesn’t require either of you running around but it really does work.
7. And finally, Seek professional help if all else fails.
Naa, there are 2 articles in this month’s Psychology Today that could be insightful.
“When Lust Goes Bust” & “Still Doing it”.
The titles are fluffy but ignore them and read the articles.
@Naa, I doubt that he sits there and thinks everything is OK. I bet as i man it is killing him inside. If he is to proud to talk about it or express his feelings you need to drag it out of him.. I knew this guy that when he was married to his first wife had the same problem. In his mind she was so beyond beautiful that no matter what he did he would cum very very fast. It ruined there marriage because they wouldn’t talk about it. So i don’t know what you look like or your situation. But you have got to talk about it. It may bother him so much inside that he may not take care of you in other ways because he is to busy beating himself up inside. That happened to me a couple times the first time i was with a new woman. I would be so nervous or thought she was so beautiful. i would be so mad at myself that it would ruin the entire night. Men my not show it but we beat the crap out of ourselves inside all the time.. So imagine 11 years of hating something about yourself.. Please for your marriages sake talk to him..
Am facing same problem just that my marriage is only 2years.I was a Virgin and till today I have never felt my husband during sex he doesn’t last for even 2 minutes with romance too he only touches my breast and that’s all we hardly kiss.I found out some weeks ago that he has health problem that makes him not to last long he is very responsible nd I love him too now I don’t know what to do
Wow Naana. This is a very tough position to be in. You are certainly not alone, as I believe many women are facing similar issues. I keep going back to the statistic that 70% of sexually active women have never achieved an orgasm and that’s not for no reason!
Hopefully, you and your husband are comfortable enough with one another to have a gentle conversation about this. I’m sure he knows his performance in bed is under the mark and wants to do something about it. There are other ways to achieve pleasure outside of penetration. Like you already mentioned, you could kiss more, spend time in foreplay touching each other or if you’re comfortable, begin introducing toys to bed. One of our readers has a rabbit that she calls “The Finisher” because her husband isn’t always able to complete the job. He finishes her off with it, she comes, and it’s no big deal.
I hope you guys can work it out. We’re rooting for you!