I know the feelings I have for him are real but he loves me more than I do him. It is in the way he pays attention to the little things. The looking in the eyes.
Most of the time I wish I to be what he hopes me to. Problem is I have been so many places in my life, nothing seems real to me anymore. I have mastered the art of distrust. It hurts him, I know it does. It tears his insides for every time we are together, I am faraway, I kiss him absentmindedly. I can’t blame myself nor can I anyone else – It is just life doing what her mother asked her to.
Kofi had thrown my love back in my face. He had laughed, laughed his heart out as he did that. Most nights I would see him in my dreams torturing me endlessly.
It was a wonder Jermaine was able to make me go on that date with him. His smile, tenderness…then again…little wonder I agreed. He was adorable. He knew all the right things to say. He saw the place that was my soul. Oh Jermaine…that bastard was married with three kids! How could I not have realized? He never for once suggested we go to his place. I never requested. He was busy on weekends. The fool had to be with his family during that period. I loved him where there was no space or time and he played me! I had prayed weeks un-end for Karma to have it’s way with him.
Then I met Rose. She was only there for my sexual wants and needs. Drunken nights, high on kush, kissing, tasting, feeling on her breasts, drinking of her fountain. Liz would join on certain nights. Dildos, cuffs, fantasies were played out. It was a temporary high!
I felt empty and void for what I really wanted and needed was love.
…and so they came and went…one after the other..well not exactly. James, Nana, Phillip, Josephine, Kwame, Troy, Akosua and her sister Nana Ama. Some falling, others lying and cheating and a couple simply not enough!
I had been there, done it all, wore T-shirts for it.
All I wanted was a little tenderness then I wanted nothing at all. Everybody wasn’t enough anymore! All I wanted was me, me me and me. I cried every night, every day till my eyes became rebellious. I couldn’t cry. I became un-feeling, dry, heartless even. I was beyond hurt and therefore repair and he came along, Soft and gentle but I had seen too many of those. There was nothing he said I hadn’t heard before. I had become too wise…beyond my age.
You can’t blame me…you really shouldn’t.