An interesting discussion erupted on my twitter timeline recently regarding an issue that divides a lot of women and as I found out, feminists as well. The tweeter who caused the raucous called it “anti-feminist” to sleep with another woman’s partner whether a boyfriend or a husband. When probed on what she meant, she reiterated that she found the hypocrisy in some of her feminist friends who knowingly sleep with other women’s partners perplexing and disturbing. This is of course speaking outside of the parameters of an open relationship, where the act would not be considered ‘cheating’. Her sentiments brought me back to bell hook’s “Wounds of Passion: A Writing Life”. In it, she describes her situation as a young woman who falls in love with an older, rugged, mysterious man who is at the time in a long-term relationship with a Gypsey woman who is sometimes away for extended periods of time. She is told the relationship is an open one but thereafter discovers otherwise when the man’s girlfriend becomes upset at his shifting affections. There is a particular part in the exchange between bell hooks and this other woman that has never sat well with me. She begins to lecture the woman about the danger of feelings of ownership and insecurity in relationships as well as the unfulfilled promise of traditional romantic pairings. It’s as if she wishes to usher her into a new and more glorious dawn very much like the sexual and intellectual liberation she is experiencing at the time as a university student in the early 70’s but the woman is expected to engage without the safety net of youth, inexperience and hopeful dogma. She allows no space in the conversation for the woman’s feelings of betrayal and loss and the woman goes away recognisably angry and forlorn.
It occurred to me that perhaps in our sexual freedom as feminists, we may display an unintended callousness to women who do not share the same consciousness and understanding we do. To put it more simply, we may not feel guilt at the bitter feelings of these women because we consider them immature and unevolved feelings to have if we are to transform the world and the lot of women as a whole. Many of the ideas that underpin traditional romantic relationships and monogamy have their roots in patriarchal precepts about the respectability of women and the restraining of our (if left unchecked) wanton sexuality. The idea that certain women get claimed/chosen and others not for reasons of societal ‘worth’ and the promise of a more fulfilling womanhood from the totality of it being subject to the whims of the male libido, do women no favours. Most feminists would agree. The other half of the debate, which goes back to the first tweeter who set it all off, conflates the idea of feminism with that of sisterhood. This is to say that a woman should not hurt another woman for any reason and especially not over a man, to fulfil their own selfish desires, if they are truly pro-women. It’s a comforting notion if only for the fact that it would imply a unity and collaboration and community that may oil the gears for a more effective and efficient stand against patriarchy. Another tweeter asked: “how can you fight and advocate for certain principles on a wider socio-political level if you’re not even willing to implement them on a personal level in your own life?” She brings it out of the realm of abstractions and to flesh and blood people interacting and making decisions that shape our society. She continued: “unless you’re completely devoid of social awareness or you have reliable knowledge that the relationship is an open one, getting involved with someone else’s partner has the likelihood of hurting them. Is that really difficult to figure out? Saying the human experience is too complex to refrain from doing things that you know will hurt others is a fancy way of saying its ok to be selfish. And it can’t be denied that that is the reason for many of the world’s ills: certain people or groups doing things that are pleasing and beneficial to them with no regard or care for how they might be detrimental to others.” One might wonder if the reluctance to accept those kinds of sacrifices as part of being a feminist don’t come from the nagging feeling that they would be a form of acceptance and endorsement of the status quo in an area where a lot of women feel empowered to push against the grain and experience liberty because of feminism – their sexuality. How does one act with compassion, while remaining free and allowing for the reasonable expectation of agency and accountability for one’s own life from other adults? Do our decisions in these situations really reflect a crack in our views with regards to gender politics? Is the expectation of a sisterhood not very similar to a ‘girl code’ and other constricting rules that often times uphold certain patriarchal notions even unintentionally?
34 comments On ‘Is it Anti-Feminist to Sleep with Another Woman’s Man?’ asks Guest Contributor Anna Saskin
Another woman’s man this is complex and complicated for so several reasons. As feminists, it is one arena that we have never been able to clearly articulate our theortical notes into our personal spaces. Within the movement and without mentioning any names (this just tells you how OLD I am), we all know of sisters who have “stolen or ended up marrying” the boyfriends of other sisters from Dakar, to Zimbabwe, to SA, Tanzania, Ghana and Nigeria. These stories are for another time when I have drank plenty rum and black.
Is there a solution I have no answers, not sure we ever will because the dynamics of male and female relationships in Africa especially for feminists woman and their so-called partners is not as straight as it could be.
Let’s be honest, it was not until the death and at the funeral several years ago here in Lagos that I learnt a leading feminist academic had been a victim of serial domestic violence. For the whole duration of her marriage – yes. Go figure.
Everybody knew, she knew everybody knew but she was unwilling to take the couragous step ofleaving her abuser – her husband for whatever the reasons.
Anyway, we will continue to have these dilemma’s and discussions until we are able to seriously have an honest discussion about, expectations of marraige, why we think we need any man, etc.
Na siddon look I dey on this one… Looking forward to the responses as this constitutes one among a few of the reasons I said in a post last week (Nana Malone’s) that from the little I’ve seen, feminism maintains Double Standards, but I’d like clarity before making that a theory in my book.
P.S: Malaka, been enjoying LSD so much that I forgot to state that I reckon a certain post on adultery and the subsequent backlash prompted the series and for some of us, engaged to Paul (the image of Henry Cele just gave me the chills) is quite different from being married… But then again, who says LSD’s over. :p
I have to say that I have been struggling to understand what feminism means these days? I am tempted to treat it as some frivolous nothing but I am waiting to be better informed. So please feel free to elaborate because I do not see it.
Argh. All you people struggling to know what feminism means, did you read what I wrote in the Forum discussion on the topic? Even you Ebenezer who specifically requested for the explanation?
So to answer the question. In my opinion, no it is not anti-feminist to sleep with another woman’s man…especially when you consider that men/human beings beings are not inanimate objects that have no choice in life and cannot be slept with and stolen against their will.
I can understand how a woman will feel especially betrayed if a feminist slept with her husband/boyfriend/lover but the act in and of itself is not in my opinion anti-feminist.
Let me give you a couple of examples of actions that to me are anti-feminist. Being a parliamentarian/legislator and refusing to support a domestic violence bill. Being a leader in a work place and denying women maternal leave. Being a police officer and assuming that the woman who has been raped was not really raped because she’s a sex worker/slut/loose blah blah blah.
That’s anti-feminist.
(1) we live in a polygamous and hypocritical society (Accra), where most women are or have been both mistress and wife at different points in their life. (2)Men are not inanimate objects who cannot make decisions for themselves…on the contrary. (3)maybe part of being a feminist is eschewing all notions of ‘owning’ another human being. If you dont subscribe to that and you’re not coercing anyone into having a relationship with you then there’s no need for this question. (4) as feminists do we accept the position that men and women are meant to be naturally monogamous hence any deviation from that purported norm should be unacceptable?
K A, I hear you. This is how I know feminists to feel. The question is, is this right? In the sense that you may know another woman’s feelings will be hurt or it may devastate their family, however archaic this stance may be? Leaving the man out of it for a second.
Ah!!! Ever since I made the request, I haven’t been to the forum – drawback of mobile – so I apologise. I quiet agree with you with respect to gender vs sex and the fact that the issues you raised in you comment above are ANTI feminist.
I am however puzzled, if women the world over agree that men are slaves to their penises and as such are predisposed to “cheating” – never liked the term as it comes across as though relationships can be likened to games or test, but I digress – then isn’t sleeping with a married man reinforcing the said notion???
I agree there are far more critical issues for Feminism to address and inasmuch as I’d rather we lived in a world where there were no labels but that unfortunately is only wishful thinking.
Nana, riddle me this. Say there’s this very dear person to you, sister, cousin or a certain best friend. The said individual is very marriage and family oriented and alas, she’s married to a true gem of a man in very way possible; physically, emotionally, spiritually. Matter of fact if there ever was the perfect man, it’d be him. GoodLooking, romantic, a good listener, ambitious yet gentle, well versed in a wide range of issues, loving father, community leader, church leader (insert whatever would make him as close to ideal as possible)
But being human, he’s flawed and in a moment of weakness, he meets this Feminist who has no qualms with being with him. Hell, most women would give an eye and a half to be with him. Now, this is one Feminist you hold in high esteem, what do you THINK your reaction would be??? Think, I say because I doubt you know what exactly you’ll do but at least you have a fair idea. Would you be cool with it, not taking into consideration the impact it’d have on his wife??? Or would you be bothered now that its closer to home??? Whichever ways, do you not think Double Standards evident???
Great post. Interesting topic. A mind field of opinion. Liberal politics where feminism is frequently lumped started out with a firm belief in sexual freedom. I feel you Nana in your description of bell hooks encounter with her lovers other lover. It was selfish but liberalism was in part a revolt against the melting pot of socially imposed sameness and enforced community. It asks us to break out of our socialised notions of right and wrong including our socialised acceptance of monogamy and mono- sexuality. I don’t think sleeping with a sisters man is anti-feminist even though personally I would consider how close we are. Then again the men we meet and date were someone else’s man at some point. In an age of shifting relationships where does one end and another begin? And like you said – the men aren’t without agency. I think freedom is important to feminism and is also leading to some confusion about feminism as some of us resist arbitrary boundaries and labels while others try to impose them. People are just different sha.
Good one
Thanks for weighing in @MzAgams. Just to say the bell hooks anecdote was written by Anna Saskin. Its interesting because Anna and I both read and loved ‘Wounds of Passion’, and spent time discussing it. We’ve also had an in person convo about this very topic, although I can’t remember whether we came to any firm conclusions. I like what you said about freedom being important to feminism, and I can imagine that some people’s response will be, one person’s freedom is another’s prison.
@Ebenezer – Trying to understand your hypothetical scenario is doing my head in. Sigh.Okay let me try and respond in brief. Women the world over DO NOT AGREE that men are slaves to their penises. In fact some of us think that men are just, you know, human beings with a brain upstairs whose actions are not guided by the man downstairs…if a man I respected cheated on his marriage/girlfriend/relationship with a feminist I respected I would be asking the man why he didn’t negotiate for an open relationship with said wife/girlfriend/partner, or ask for a pass…that’s what I would do if I was in a committed monogamous relationship.
I agree with Nana Darkoa. But I want to explore this from a different perspective.
In these type of relationships, does our feminism privilege us over other women who are not feminists?
We can choose to inhabit any or no traditional role as we see fit. We can choose what we want to do and how. Being ‘liberated’ therefore give us a certain amount of privilege.
So a woman who is even somewhat ‘liberated’ can take full advantage of her privilege in a relationship with a married man. This is most evident when the wife or wives don’t or cannot inhabit the same spaces of liberation that we do since they may be more bound to traditional roles which they are unable (for whatever reason) to escape.
So then is it anti-feminist to take advantage of our privilege? I guess this question goes beyond the issue of sleeping with other people’s partners.
This is such an interesting question! And sort of goes to the heart of the post. Is there a certain amount of lording over other women that comes from not being bound and therefore disregarding their feelings?
WHAT!!…this is really not about sexuality but an issue of lack of mutual respect for the like gender..this cannot be defended in any way. I completely agree with Ebenezer Scrooge. Cheers mate.
Reading more comments and thinking…
Let’s consider some alternative scenarios – what if the wife is the feminist? Does she betray feminism by not divorcing a cheating husband? Of course that causes just as much debate.
Then again what of men that steal take whatever ‘brothers’ women? A more common scenario. How do we judge them? Are the standards we set for ourselves higher (yet again) Why? Are we setting ourselves up to fail?
I don’t think a feminist or anybody else should be judged by their sexual behaviour. We all agreed already sex is about personal choice.
Adultery and how a couple responds to it is also a personal choice. Feminism is about personal choice not right or wrong choice.
Of course all choices have consequences/outcomes (does not include judgment) and if you’re free you must accept those too. But then some would say that’s just being grown up.
Are any of these comments particularly African or Feminist I don’t think so. Its all about ethics or morals as a woman or man do you wish to be faithful to your partner husband or wife or do you want to sleep with others. If your partner cheats do you understand and forgive and if the roles were reversed would you expect to be understood and forgiven. It goes both ways. All the possibilities mentioned are only get outs to dodge this question.
HELL YES! No offence to any of my sisters reading this who are dating married men (cos as yall know I’ve done it myself before & now stopped) but I definitely think that it’s anti-feminist to screw someone else’s husband. My reasons:
1. Feminism is built on the pillar of ‘sisterhood’. One of the principles of feminism is that instead of women fighting each other & competing with each other like society sets teaches us to do, we should support each other in every way that we can. My question is that, how can you claim to practice sisterhood & yet sleep with your sister’s husband or guy behind her back? I know that most women who are comfy with dating a married man wouldn’t date their own sister’s husband or even their friend’s husband because they consider it as hitting below the belt or they wouldn’t want to hurt their friend. So why can’t we extend that courtesy to other women too?
2. Sleeping with other women’s husbands erodes the trust that women have for each other & how can we push the feminist agenda & wholeheartedly support each other as women to make it & even fight for each other’s plights when we cant trust each other? And how can we trust each other & band together as women when we know that none of us will bat an eye about sleeping with each other’s husbands behind our backs (because cheating, as opposed to an open marriage) is always done behind the woman’s back
My final point. had to break it up cos it was like a thesis! hahaha
3. It feeds into the polygamist culture. Men everywhere cheat, but when I was in Ghana, I saw a lot more blatant cheating than I do when I came here to the US & it’s because Ghana is a polygamous culture. So the norm is for a man (especially when he becomes a ‘big man’) to start taking on more women into his ‘harem’.And so when a feminist decides to sleep with a married man, she’s participating in that system. The rampant cheating that goes on in African marriages doesn’t happen in a vacuum, it happens in this polygamist setting.
4. A man cheating on his wife is a form of abuse. This is even more the case in Africa where lots of women are not empowered enough to walk out of bad marriages because our society is structured such that you have to face several indignities if you’re single past the age of like 30. And besides, it’s financially tough to be a divorcee in Ghana (& I bet most African countries as well). Let’s not forget that it’s very recently (in 2012) that the Supreme Court ruled in Mensah v Mensah http://ww3.lawschool.cornell.edu/AvonResources/GLADYS-MENSAH-VRS.-STEPHEN-MENSAH.pdf that essentially, upon a divorce, wives are entitled to half of the matrimonial property (even if they didn’t contribute any money towards purchasing the property and were housewives during the marriage-please if you’re reading this & are a Ghanaian lawyer chime in if I stated the rule wrongly, I’ve gotten rusty cos I’ve been out of practice since like forever! lol). Prior to this, you could divorce a guy who beat you like hell & be left with nothing unless you could prove that you contributed financially to buying the properties he owns. So I’m just saying that there’re loads of women in Ghana who HATE the fact that their men are cheating but they stay anyway. So as a feminist, when you know that another woman HATES the fact that her husband is sneaking to sleep with you & probably cries herself to sleep every night because of you, why would you still insist on sleeping with the man & then simultaneously claim that you support the ’cause of women’? Sure, men will cheat if they want to but why allow yourself to be the woman he cheats with? How can you close your eyes & go along with the pretense, agree to meet him at clandestine hotels, agree not to call his home, agree to put up with the charade so that both of you can shag behind his wife’s back? THE END -now time for me to face the firing squad cos i assume bullets will be coming my way!
Thanks Ekuba. I am in no way a saint in this. But I am trying to see it from the other side, incorporating all elements of our unique African context as well, which you’ve included in your last two points. On the point of sisterhood, this one is tough. It almost assumes a homogeneity of views that is unlikely to be achieved as well as a constriction of individual freedom that is unlikely to be attractive for adult women.
Your second point is also part of why I wrote the post. I was noticing women saying things like ‘What’s the point of being a feminist when they just look out for themselves when it comes down to it anyway like everybody else?’ Which ignores all the good feminism does to tackle the structural issues affecting women daily that effectively clip our trajectories. It seems some women do put weight on the personal as well as a reflection of political views. Which may be a symptom of ignorance of everything else feminism does.
From some of the comments I get the impression that ppl think sleeping with the partner of a person is being anti-monogamy or anti-traditional relationship structures but that is not necessarily true. One can be those things without anyone else’s paryner being involved. I was part of the discussion refered to in the piece and while I understand the issue of some feminists rejecting traditional ideas about and ways of conducting relationships I am also greatly concerned with how many feel that it’s fine for everything and everyone else to fall victim to their feminist objectives-in this case that objective apparently being”ushering” everyone into this new standard way of doing romantoc relationships.
Perhaps I don’t quite understabd feminism but to me being humane is a big part of the way in which I want to “practice” my feminism so I frown upon hurting another person in the name of feminism. Furthermore I doubt any feminist who slept with someone else’s partner did so for altruistic reasons. First and foremost an action like that is done with the intention of pleasing oneself and everyone else be damned. It’s laughable to pretend that you do it for the greater good. We dont need to be emotional terrorists in order to push the idea that monogamy isn’t right for everyone.
Seems like people are relating being unfaithful to having a polygamous state of mind or cultural disposition. I’m pretty sure the polygamous ‘Alhajias’ will be quite vexed if they find the ‘Alhaji’ has a few more mistresses outside their ‘arrangement’ (if i should say). They are polygamous but they still expect some semblance of faithfulness from him.
This question however brings in what feminism has been fighting for so long: THE WOMAN IS BLAMED AND HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MAN’S NAUGHTINESS. All individuals should be accountable to themselves, no matter what social norm they’re fighting against. I will feel betrayed if my partner cheated on me but i will NOT blame the other faceless woman (feminist or not). I will feel betrayed by him because we agreed to be monogamous and stay faithful to each other.
Now i would however expect the highly revolutionised feminist not to make herself a pawn in my partner’s unfaithful schemes and rationalise it with a ‘freed’ sexuality. Feminism is about the fight for gender equality, fight against gender oppression and abuse. Giving the woman (if she pleases) an opportunity to also tap into her intellect, giving her a voice of her own. Now all this can be deflected and distracted if some feminists misconstrue this supposed ‘freedom’ to screwing whomever they please just to boost a proud accomplished way of life (feminism in its own right is also a culture).
I bet you some women do see feminists as an aggravated version of the selfishness of patriarchy that the movement seeks to remove so they’d rather stay with the ‘devil they know’. If the only reason why a woman will refuse to speak her mind and stick to an archaic way is because i shagged her husband then how about i take my liberalised sexuality and get me some non committed strange? After all where’s the fun in shagging someone who doesn’t believe in the same ideals as i do anyway?
Our freedom ends at the beginning of another’s. Everything has its limitations.
@ Korkor, you make really good points but I wanted to explain why I linked polygamy to having a mistress. The practice of polygamy in several African cultures is interwoven with the practice of married men being permitted to have concubines, mistresses & multiple wives (I know this from reading books on African customary law by Sarbah, Rattray & Schapera & interacting with my aged grandma who’s an ‘obaapayin’). By this, I mean for example that, in the Fante culture, sex outside marriage per se wasn’t prohibited. What was prohibited was sex with a girl who hadn’t undergone the puberty rites. So even if a man was married, he was permitted to marry or have sex with other women outside his marriage- so long as he could take care of them & their children. A married woman was strictly prohibited from doing same & if she was ever caught in adultery, the man with whom she cheated would have to compensate the cuckolded hubby by paying ‘ayefar’ while her hubby could divorce her on grounds of adultery. Note that practices such as ‘akotoagyan’ existed to permit men to live with a concubine for period to ‘study her’& there’s a popular Akan saying that ‘mpena aware3 nso y3 awar3’ To wit cohabitation is also a form of marriage. However, from interacting with my dad who grew up a muslim & converted much later to Christianity, in Islam, ALL sex outside of marriage is strictly prohibited. Men are allowed to marry up to 4 wives but they are not allowed to screw around or screw any of these women before marriage. & that’s why the Alhajias in the hypothetical situation you gave would complain if Alhaji is found to have a mistress but in the Fante setting, as a woman, it would be ridiculous to complain that your hubby had a concubine because everyone knew that your hubby was permitted to have other women besides you whether he married them or not.
I was content to leave this conversation alone because I feel as though it has nothing to do with me. The only reason I’m making a comment now is because Ebeneezer crept over to other blog and insisted that I join the conversation.
I don’t identify as a feminist in the comments here have solidified why I have difficulty adherent to that construct. As I understand that there are several strands or forms of feminism including Afro feminism, some elite form of the idea as practiced by aristocrats in white society, and apparently now ‘Christian feminism,. The reason that I find it difficult to wholly identify with feminism is because of the comments that are being made here. The idea that the lifestyle that I have chosen – to be a mother and wife – now simply labeled as ‘archaic traditions’ is hurtful. It smacks of the same snobbery and superiority that have driven other isms that have done their damnedest to dismantle all that is good with humanity. The notion that one person’s chosen lifestyle is more superior over the other because they have achieved some form of enlightenment driven by personal pleasure, thereby rendering an alternate lifestyle as archaic is disheartening.
Maybe I’m just having an angry flashback of a conversation I had to endure earlier this year in which I was trapped in a car full of radical feminist who spent no less than an hour taking a proverbial dump on all I hold dear as WOMAN… but whether it is anti-feminist for a feminist sleep with a married, man I suppose each one will have to determine for herself depending on what her ideology around what ‘feminism’ is.
@Malaka choosing to be a mom and a wife isn’t archaic. You must be proud. i’ve recently chosen same for myself and i must doff my cap to you (and come for tips later). It isn’t an easy task at all. The textbooks and online articles lied.
My use of ‘archaic’ stemmed from what i think feminism is: Fight for gender equality and against gender oppression. Giving a woman the opportunity to choose the lifestyle she prefers without judgement or duress. But like you said, feminism has branches now and the focus seems to differ per view point.
Yeah korkor – I read misread your comment, or at least the intention of it. My apologies. 🙂
I don’t know if it’s the same in Ghana, but it’s like there is an ever present struggle for one ideology to prevail over the other in the States. I think my lashing out was in response to this mounting pressure in the society I live in. You’re not a “real woman” if you don’t have x number of kids. You’re not a “real woman” if you don’t have a career you can thumb in the nose of other women. You’re not a “real woman” if you’re not a size 2 or a size 22. You’re not a “real woman” if you’re not married. You’re not a “real woman” if you don’t live a liberated sex life with multiple partners.
I’m tired oooo! All these extremes! At this point, I just want to have a drink on the beach with some women who are just as “fake” as me!
Does this have anything to do with the topic? No…
Ah Malaka, no way does feminism say being a mother is archaic.
But I’ve always considered Malaka a feminist! LOL, I’m always projecting but from what I’ve gleamed from your blog/twitter, I assumed so. I reiterate what Nana Darkoa said being a mother and a wife is not archaic, not according to my section of feminism.
@ Malaka- I don’t think those women in the taxi were confident in their decisions not to marry or have kids or whatever they deem as ‘archaic’. If they were really comfortable in their choices, they wouldn’t have gone on & on trying to make you feel bad about YOUR choice. And besides, they were being very silly. If some women hadn’t decided to ‘be archaic’ & give birth to them all, would they even exist in the first place to sit in a car & argue with you?
I definitely don’t think feminism should be used as a tool for creating a social hierarchy for women. Which is why I am examining whether, this may be coming across to be the case with some of what we proffer as reasons for our behaviours as feminists.
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Another sizzler! I like †he commenators and divergent views. But †he interchange of feminism and sisterhood in defining sexual morality is troubling. I have been with other women’s men and other women have been with my men. Whether its right or wrong is something we will go back thousands of century for answers. We must shift from ideals to realities, no body owns another, and women especially must appreciate this uncomfortable reality. Sexuality has not much to do with feminism, sisterhood,brotherhood or any of these.I am feminist, I believe in equal right to all. I am not a moralist as I cannot define a moral parameter that fits all. I think we must not mix these two. If a man in a commited relationship chooses to have sex with me outside of his commitment, its his business, his cross and shouldn’t be mine. What is important is that I dealt with adult who was not under duress and understood his decisions and †he consequences. It goes two ways.
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If some chooses to marry and it is not an “open” marriage then I would say that sleeping with someone else’s husband is anti-feminist in nature. There are millions of single men, no need to screw over another woman. Chicks before dicks!
I found out recently that an ex girlfriend who said she was a feminist actually was cheating me with a married man, it hurt even though it was a good bit ago cause it was shocking and low low integrity when she also knew it was just for sex as well. It’s not at all real feminist, it’s no respect for self or others. Plain hurtfull.
if you look at facebook/tumblr feminists, you will see more than once how they agree with the idea that “there is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women” … we can argue this is not something you can declare in the open and then logon and message a man who has a live-in girlfriend or wife or partner and persuade him to leave her..which I have seen happen
I have never be the wife of a cheater, nor have I been the “other woman.” However, I was the child of the wife of a man who cheated and cheated hard. I will say that we need to let go of the “other woman” troupe as if she was some evil, souless person. However, without regard to feminism you can just say entering a relationship with a person who is already in a monogamous relationship is just ethical because you are willingly allow another person to gaslight, lie, manipulate another person. Even if you are not doing the action itself, a mature person would understand that their actions have consequences and another person feelings is important. This goes for anyone despite the genders of those involved. I will now take it an extra step further and say it is anti-feminisit to get involved with a married man. First off, the competition between you and the wife does not support the fight for gender equality. Secondly, you a very likely empowering patriarchal structures the man you having the affair with enforces onto is wife, children and home life. He may treat you amazingly and he may seem modern, but more times than not a man who both commits to marriage and infidelity is exploiting and benefiting from that patriarchal structures society has enforced on us and has enforced on his wife. He knows his wife maybe was raised with those beliefs and uses it against her. I have seen this happen, and I learned with age my experience was not uncommon. Please take this thought into consideration. And again, the whole “other woman” troupe needs to go. While its bad to sleep with a married man, they are still human and dont deserve to painted as the “whore”