I am a big fan of goal setting. I think there is a lot of power in reflecting on your life, figuring out what you want to change, stating clearly what you want to manifest, taking steps to achieve those goals, and identifying the support you need to get there. I believe in doing this for every area of your life including the more personal and intimate parts.
Last year was a tumultuous one for me. I was living temporarily in the U.K so my partner (at the time) and I could undergo specialised fertility treatment. If you’ve ever done IVF or have read or listened to accounts of women who have you know that this is an intense experience. There are the injections you need to self administer at particular times of the day, there are the frequent blood tests and scans to check how your follicles are developing. There is the harvesting of said follicles. There is the waiting to find out if your eggs were successfully fertlised, and then waiting again to find out if they got to the blastocyst stage. In my case that is where my IVF journey ended. There are always options with fertility treatment. You can keep trying. Depending on how much money you are willing to invest/literally have, you can consider other options like using a donor egg which is what my Dr recommended would be the most practical thing to do in my case. Whilst considering all these options, I also came to the conclusion that I wanted to be single again. More accurately it was a need. I felt that I needed a reboot. A fresh start. To be on my own and figure out what I really wanted. I needed to be self centred and only think about me. What do I want out of life? What kind of relationship(s) do I really want to have? I felt that I had unconsciously stumbled down a conventional path when I knew that was not really me. This wasn’t an easy decision to make. It was hard, and filled with guilt which I have yet to fully purge. But I know that I made the right decision for me.
And with this new year I recognise the need to ask myself some hard questions. What are my sex and relationship goals for 2019? Do I really want to have a child, and if so what am I going to do about it? Readers of this blog know that I have flip flopped on this question over the years. I still flip flop from time to time. If biology hadn’t fucked women over, I’d prefer to wait a few more years to try for a baby. And I would prefer to do that with someone who also wants to have a child with me (and not necessarily someone I am in a relationship with). But biology is a motherfucker. A year ago I was told that for my age my ovarian reserve is in the low to normal range. Who knows what it’s like now? It’s probably inching closer to the low range. And I don’t have anyone in my life who is willing to have a child with me. Trust me when I say I don’t. And so I am back to considering my options. I am considering doing IVF again but this time on my own with donor sperm. I can’t afford treatment in the UK and so I am exploring South Africa as an option (after ruling out Ghana after an initial exploration with one particular hospital). I also want to start an adoption process. I’ve always known that I want to adopt. I’ve had conversations with a friend who has adopted three children, and some family members who are also going through the process. OMG I had no idea it was so hard (the blogger Naa Oyoo Quartey has written a really helpful blog post on adoption in Ghana so check it out).But first I feel like I need to give IVF a good go, and then I can start the adoption journey which I will do regardless of the results of undergoing IVF.
In a sense what to do about children is the easiest part. The harder part is the personal relationships. My ex girlfriend said to me, ‘I like to have somebody’. She was describing herself and her desires to have a primary relationship but also the flexibility to have relationships with other people. That resonated with me. There is something very special about knowing that there is one particular person who cares for you deeply, who you can plan to spend time with, go on holidays with, discuss your life with…but that doesn’t mean you want that person to be your all. I have become increasingly interested in exploring polyamory. My friend Famia (with whom I produce and host #AdventuresTV) teases me that I find a way of bringing polyamory into every live conversation we have. But at the moment polyamory makes sense to me. It is predicated on openness and honesty which are values I hold dear. Partners make explicit agreements about the terms of their relationship. In an ideal poly relationship no one ends up in a fauxnogamy which is what I see as the majority of relationships around me. That’s an attractive proposition to me, and one that resonates with my values.
I’m curious about you. Do you have particular intentions for your relationship(s) this year? Are you planning to take your sex game up a couple of notches? Intending to seek therapy to deal with past sexual abuse and trauma? I would love to know your intentions in the comments below, or if you want to contribute a blog post on this subject send it to adventuresfrom[at]gmail[dot]com